December Puns (10)
1. I heard Santa Claus has started outsourcing his naughty/nice list to Elf on the Shelf. You could say he’s getting help from his little elfers.
2. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots at the grocery store? He was picking his nose!
3. My friend got run over by a reindeer walking home from work. He’s lucky it wasn’t Prancer or Dancer, or else he really would have been reindeer roadkill!
4. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles!
5. Why does Scrooge love Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Because every buck he makes, Rudolf reindeers!
6. Why is Frosty the Snowman the most optimistic guy around? Because he’s always got a positive vibe and a melt-on-your-heart smile!
7. Why did Santa take a shower at the mall? He needed to get all cleaned up at the Santa sanitize station before seeing the kids!
8. Why is Santa Claus always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!
9. Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor? He was feeling a little crumbly.
10. How do sheep spread holiday cheer? With baaa humbug!
December One-Liners (10)
11. I asked Santa for the perfect gift this year – a fat bank account and a slim body. He sent me a bathroom scale.
12. Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist.
13. I’m going to get a tattoo of a Christmas Tree on my arm, so I can be festive all year round!
14. I heard Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is filing a bullying lawsuit against Santa and the other reindeer.
15. Freezing rain – Mother Nature’s gift wrap.
16. Santa buses to malls because reindeer get lousy gas mileage.
17. Holiday budgeting tip: Shop ’til you drop your credit card balance.
18. My wife asked me what I wanted for December holidays. I said, “A day of silence would be nice!”
19. My December resolution – Eat, drink and be merry, and diet starting January 1st.
20. Holiday weight gain: I ate too much and my clothes shrunk.
Best December Jokes (17)
21. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “These are Carols.”
22. One December my true love gave to me, one pack of batteries for my TV remote.
The next December my true love gave to me, two pairs of socks and one pack of batteries for my TV remote.
The December after that my true love gave to me, three French hens, two pairs of socks and one pack of batteries for my TV remote.
On the fourth December my true love gave to me, four calling birds, three French hens, two pairs of socks and one pack of batteries for my TV remote.
The next December my true love gave to me five golden rings! (Just kidding, I’m still single.)
23. Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
24. What do you call an old snowman? Water!
25. Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor? He was feeling a little crumbly.
26. What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A pineapple!
27. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it “soots” him!
28. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles!
29. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
30. Why couldn’t the snowman get a date to the dance? He was too much of a dripsicle!
31. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Because every buck Rudolf makes, Scrooge reindeers!
32. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
33. What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad? A pineapple!
34. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
35. Why do mummies like Christmas so much? Because of all the wrapping!
36. What’s the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!
37. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!