Dating Puns
1. I wanted to take my date to a nice steakhouse, but she said we should meat somewhere else instead.
2. My friend went on a blind date. He thought she was a 10/10 until he saw her.
3. I was excited for my big date night until I remembered I was just dining solo.
4. I asked my date how stars die. She said usually an overdose or car accident. Needless to say, astronomy was not her strong suit.
5. My date said she was really into sign language. I thought it was a big red flag.
6. I knew my date was going poorly when she started talking about her ex’s. It was a major turn-off.
7. I wanted to impress my date with facts about dolphins. But apparently random porpoise facts don’t work.
8. My date kept bragging about her modeling career. But I could tell she was just fishing for compliments.
9. I asked my date if she wanted to grab dinner this weekend. She said, “I can’t, I’ll be out of town.” I guess she just wanted a mini break from me.
10. I knew my Tinder date was trouble when she suggested we meet up at her place. My friend said it seemed sketchy, but I swiped right anyway.
11. My friend’s first date was a disaster. He showed up dressed super casually while she wore a gown. I guess they didn’t dress to impress.
12. I wanted to make a move on my first date, but I chickened out. I just didn’t have enough coop-eration.
Dating One-Liners
13. Online dating is like looking for a book in a library with no catalog system.
14. My dating profile says I’m 6′ tall. My real height is 5’11” but every inch counts.
15. Roses are red, violets are blue, my dating life is tragic, how about you?
16. They say there’s plenty of fish in the sea, but I seem to only catch the crabs.
17. I’m afraid of commitment, but I’m committed to that fear.
18. I’m not photogenic, but my dating profile pictures make me look worse.
19. My dating life has been so bad, it feels more like a dying life.
20. I went on a date just for a free meal. Does that make me a gold-digger or just broke?
21. My dating profile picture is from 10 years and 20 pounds ago. No one will notice, right?
22. Getting back into dating after a long relationship is like trying to get used to your old apartment after remodeling.
Best Dating Jokes
23. I went on a great first date with a guy last night. He was handsome, smart, and a total gentleman. Things were going so well until…I woke up and realized it was just a dream.
24. What do you call someone who brings high standards and a terrible attitude to a first date? Single!
25. My friend went on a date with twins and couldn’t tell them apart. He thought it went well, but apparently he mixed up their names because he never heard from them again!
26. How do you know if your date is listening to you? They don’t answer, and just nod occasionally.
27. I thought my date was going well until I made a joke about murder mysteries. She said “I didn’t know this was a crime scene,” and walked out.
28. I knew it was time to leave my awful blind date when he started insulting my hair, clothes, and job. When I asked for the check, he said, “what’s the rush, honey?” Nice try buddy, but this honey is outta here!
29. My friend bought flowers and chocolates for a first date, but she cancelled last minute. So now he has a romantic evening planned for himself!
30. I asked my date what kind of music she likes, and she said, “I’m into heavy metal.” Turns out she meant actual sheet metal – she works in construction.
31. How do you make your blind date suffer? Take them to an amusement park and describe all the rides in detail while they can’t see anything.
32. A guy brought his guitar on a first date to impress his date. She was not impressed. There’s nothing worse than having “Wonderwall” played badly right in your face while you’re trying to eat dinner!
33. My Tinder match seemed normal at first. But then she asked me to pick her up from the airport and immediately go hiking in a secluded forest. I’m still not sure if she was serial killer or just really outdoorsy.
34. I knew online dating was a waste of time when a guy messaged me saying “I like your pretty face can we meat up.” His spelling skills matched his dating skills – nonexistent!
35. My friend went on a great first date – until he sneezed and snot went flying all over her. He tried playing it cool, but the damage was done.
36. A guy brought his mom on a first date because he’s a total mama’s boy. When his mom went to the bathroom, the girl made a run for it!
37. My date kept bragging about how rich he was. But when the check came he said he forgot his wallet. Then I found out where all his money went – into his ego!
38. My friend’s date wore a shirt with her face all over it. Talk about coming on strong! She ran away so fast you’d think the place was on fire.
39. A girl brought a checklist on a first date and kept marking things off, like “Opened door for me – check!” The guy thought it was so weird he faked an emergency 3 minutes in.
40. A guy I matched with only wanted to meet at his house for “safety reasons.” So I showed up with a whistle, pepper spray, and a fake ID. Safety first!
41. My friend went on a great first date, then the guy ghosted her. A month later he texted her saying, “Sorry, I lost my phone!” She replied, “Sorry I lost interest!”
42. I knew the blind date was going badly when he answered a phone call and said, “Sorry honey, I’m just at dinner with a friend.” Who brings their girlfriend on a blind date?!
43. A girl brought her tarot cards to a first date and kept predicting their future. The guy noped out of there when she forecasted they’d be married within a year!
44. My date kept laughing hysterically at all his own jokes, then staring at me waiting for a reaction. Meeting him was a joke but the punchline was me leaving after 10 minutes.
45. A guy brought his pet iguana on a first date because it was “his best wingman.” The girl screamed when he put it on her shoulder and sprinted for the door!
46. My friend’s date waited until the waiter brought the bill, then went to the “bathroom” and never came back, sticking her with the $100 tab. His awkward exit strategy made the date an even bigger disaster!
47. I asked my date what she does for fun. She said “hunting and taxidermy.” When she invited me back to see her collection, I suddenly remembered I left my stove on.
48. My date kept laughing at inappropriate moments, like when I said my grandma was sick. Red flag alert – he had the empathy of a potato.
49. A guy wrote a draft of his online dating profile for feedback. It started with “I’m an alpha male looking for my submissive queen.” My only feedback was to get some serious therapy and stay away from women indefinitely.
50. My friend keeps dating the same type of woman over and over, and then is surprised when it doesn’t work out. As they say, the definition of insanity is swiping right on the same profile 100 times and expecting a different result!
51. A girl I know agreed to meet a guy from a dating app at a bar. But when she arrived, he was already drunk and obnoxious. She chatted for 5 minutes, pretended to go to the bathroom, and climbed out the window!
52. I went on a great first date, but ruined my chances at a second when I drunk called him after I got home. I left a 3 minute voicemail of me tone deaf singing Selena Gomez songs. He did not call back after that.
53. My friend accidentally brought her sister on a blind date. She met the guy at a restaurant and when he said “You look different than your profile pictures” she realized the mix-up!
54. My coworker overshares about her terrible dating life. Yesterday she announced that the guy she met on Tinder last week “kisses like a golden retriever.” I did not need to know that Susan!
55. A girl I know went home with a guy from a dating app on the first date. The next morning when she woke up, he had caught a huge fish, stuffed and mounted it on his wall, and put a plaque with her name on it underneath. Nothing like waking up next to a new taxidermy display featuring the catch of the day – you!
56. My friend went speed dating and one guy’s opening line was “Do you smell something burning?” Then he pretended to get a call and said “Sorry, I have to take this, it’s the fire department.” Worst excuse to exit a date ever!
57. I knew the first date was going badly when he asked the waiter for crayons and started coloring in the kids menu. We were at a fancy French restaurant – not exactly a chill spot for arts and crafts!
58. This guy brought a full pan of lasagna to a dinner date at an Italian restaurant. He loudly requested they heat it up for him and then ate it instead of ordering any food. Apparently taking the concept of “bringing home cooking” a bit too far!
59. My coworker refuses to date any guy under 6 feet tall, even though she’s 5’2″. I told her she won’t be successful reaching such heights with that attitude!
60. This girl I know judges guys solely on their zodiac signs. But what she doesn’t realize is the only sign she’s compatible with is the “Single and Desperate” sign after years of failed first dates!
