Credit Card Puns
1. I tried to make a purchase but my card was de-clined.
2. My friend got arrested for credit card fraud. He has to pay the price now.
3. I wanted to buy a yacht on credit but I didn’t have enough capital.
4. I dropped my credit card into a big pot of soup. Now it’s soup-her hot!
5. I entered the wrong PIN at an ATM and it swallowed my card. Now my bank account is in-digestion.
6. I tried to use an expired credit card but it was past its credit date.
7. Our credit card bill was sky high this month. It really took off!
8. I put my credit card in the document shredder by mistake. It left me in pieces!
9. I tried to trick the credit card machine by swiping a candy bar. But it saw right through my chocolade.
10. My friend bought too much on credit and then fled town. I heard he is in debt hiding.
11. I always pay off my credit card on time. You could say I have perfect credit timing.
12. My identity was stolen and the thieves ran up huge charges. It was the ultimate card trick.
Credit Card One-Liners
13. Credit cards are like hemorrhoids…sooner or later every asshole gets them.
14. My credit card was stolen, but I decided not to report it stolen because the thief spends less than my wife.
15. I finally paid off my credit card. It was the end of an error.
16. My wife ran up a $5000 credit card bill, but in her defense the store was having a really good sale.
17. Money talks. Mine always says goodbye.
18. I bought a new credit card protector. It saves me from everything except overspending.
19. I’m trying a new strategy to eliminate my debt – denial.
20. Why use a credit card when I can just pay cash and get declined in person?
21. My credit card was stolen by a gang of fraudsters, but I actually feel kind of flattered.
22. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim. Millions of families suffer every year.
Best Credit Card Jokes
23. I was out shopping with my wife and she saw a dress she really liked. She tried it on and it looked great. “How much is it?” I asked the salesgirl. “$400,” she replied. I told my wife she looked really beautiful in it and turned to the salesgirl and said, “We’ll take it!” Then I took out my credit card. The salesgirl swiped my card then handed it back to me. My wife looked at me confused and asked, “Why didn’t you pay?” I smiled and handed her the credit card. “I did, it’s all yours now.”
24. After I maxed out yet another credit card, I asked my friend Dan, who’s a financial advisor, what I should do. He said, “Just tell them you can’t pay it.” The next day the credit card company called about my outstanding balance. I said, “I can’t pay it.” The guy on the phone said, “Well, that’s no problem sir, we can make you another card.”
25. I was walking down the street when a thief pulled out a Credit Card knife. Since I had bad credit, I wasn’t scared.
26. My friend Tom came running over to me, out of breath. “Somebody just stole my credit card,” he gasped. “Did you report it?” I asked. “No,” he wheezed. “He’s spending way less than my wife was.”
27. Did you hear about the guy who’s flashlight ran out of batteries? He decided to charge it. So he ran credit.
28. Why don’t pirates like using credit cards? Because once you swipe, they make you walk the plank!
29. My friend John took out way too many credit cards then disappeared because of all his debt. Now we call him John the Vanished.
30. What do credit cards and strippers have in common? They both take your money and leave you wanting more.
31. My credit card company offered me a free James Bond DVD if I paid off my balance by the due date. But I decided not to – I felt it was another one of their tricky Goldfinger schemes.
32. Did you hear about the man who used his whole credit card limit on milk? He really maxed out his dairy spend.
33. Why should you never breakup with a Kardashian? It takes them forever to close out a credit card.
34. My credit card keeps declining my $5 purchases but was somehow fine with that $2,500 flat screen TV I bought.
35. You know your credit cards are maxed out when your tires get repossessed.
36. I hate leaving my credit card at the bar tab, because that’s always when the identity thieves show up.
37. My friend got declined when he tried to open a new credit card account. Let’s have a moment of silence for his dying credit score.
38. I ordered a chicken sandwich on my credit card but it got declined due to insufficient clucks.
39. What do you call a credit card with interest rates that keep going up? A sky-high bill!
40. Why can’t Elsa from Frozen get approved for a credit card? Because her assets are frozen!
41. My credit card bill was delivered by owl post to Hogwarts this month. I think my identity has been stolen by wizards!
42. I’m so far in credit card debt I’m thinking of legally changing my name and fleeing to Mexico.
43. I tried to slice ham with my credit card but it didn’t cut the mustard.
44. My credit card is like organic food – free range!
45. I bought too much on credit again. Let’s blame it on inflation instead of my poor money management skills.
46. My credit card bill is so high this month it got vertigo.
47. I put my credit card in the paper shredder. Let’s have a moment of silence for my bank account.
48. Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don’t expect to get it back.
49. I tried making minimum payments on my credit card but apparently that’s not how math works.
50. My phony credit card got declined. It was counterfeit money.
51. Did you hear about the credit card thief wandering the desert? He was wandering a-Master-card looking for an Oasis.
52. I thought my credit card got stolen in Cancun, but it turns out the margaritas are just really strong there.
53. I don’t actually have any credit cards. But identity thieves still manage to open new ones in my name.
54. My friend tried to clone my credit card but couldn’t replicate it. Turns out it was irreplaceable.
55. I hired Tom Cruise to help me pay off my credit card debt faster, but unfortunately he couldn’t handle the interest.