Cowboy Puns (21)
1. Why do cowboys always have nice boots? They like to keep their toes looking spiffy.
2. What do you call a cowboy who stepped in manure? A cowpoi.
3. Why do cowboys wear spurs? To steer themselves in the right direction.
4. Why are cowboy hats so tall? So cattle can see them coming from a mile away.
5. Why do cowboys prefer to ride stallions? They don’t like being nagged.
6. Why was the cowboy riding his horse backward? His horse wanted to call the shots for once.
7. How do you make cowboy coffee? You boil the water, throw in the grounds, then add a horseshoe.
8. Why are cowboy campfires so small? The cowpokes.
9. Where do tired cowboys take a nap? On the ranch.
10. How do you know when a cowboy is really hungry? When he’s ready to chow down.
11. Why are cowboy barns so secure? So the horses can’t stall-ion.
12. Why do cowboys hate rap music? It’s not their cup of tea.
13. What do you call a cowboy who counts his cattle? A cow-counter.
14. Why do cowboys do yoga? For calf stretches.
15. How does a cowboy train his horse? In a ranch-domized controlled trial.
16. How did the cowboy magician make his horse disappear? He used cow-abracadabra.
17. Why are cowboys so bow-legged? Too much time on the range.
18. Why do cowboys wear neckerchiefs? To avoid a calf-bite.
19. How do cowboys keep their breath fresh? With ranch mints.
20. Why don’t cows have midlife crises? Because their calves keep them young.
21. Why was the calf blushing? He saw the cowboy dressing.
Cowboy One-Liners (18)
22. I asked my cowboy friend, “What are you going to do today?” He said, “The same thing we do everyday, herd cattle.”
23. I was gonna tell a cowboy joke, but it was kind of corny.
24. A cowboy’s favorite soda? Root beer.
25. A cowboy’s favorite appetizer? Nachos.
26. A cowboy’s favorite exercise? Calf raises.
27. My horse got tired of me playing cowboy, so he left to join the police force. Now he’s a cop colt.
28. I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something. Same with cowboy ponies.
29. If April showers bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Cowboys.
30. Cowboys are so bowlegged that when they haul freight, the animals do all the work.
31. I wanted to hear a cowboy sing, but he kept stringing me along.
32. A cowboy entered a bull riding contest. He was so confident, he brought his own saddle.
33. What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus? A guy who’s great at wrangling cattle.
34. My friend got cold feet about being a cowboy, but I told him to get back in the saddle.
35. I asked the cowboy if I could ride his horse. He said, “Hay, that’s a good idea!”
36. Why do cowboys make bad therapists? All they say is “Yippee ki yay!”
37. What do you call a sad cowboy? Melancholy Kid.
38. Did you hear about the muscular cowboy? He was a bull-y.
39. My horse’s favorite book is The Marey Poppins.
Best Cowboy Jokes (55)
40. A cowboy rode into town on Friday. He stayed for three days and left on Friday. How is that possible?
His horse’s name was Friday.
41. What do you call a psychic dwarf cowboy escaping from jail? A small medium at large.
42. Two cowboys walk into a bar. Which one comes out alive? The one who ducked.
43. A cowboy buys a horse from a pastor. The pastor explains, “to make the horse go, you gotta yell ‘Thank God!’ And to make him stop, yell ‘Hallelujah.'” The cowboy rides off, and hours later he rides back to the pastor in a rage. The pastor asks, “What happened?” The cowboy says, “I did what you said: I said ‘Thank God’ to make him go and ‘Hallelujah’ to make him stop. But then I hit a cliff and started yelling out of fear and he stopped dead in his tracks. I went flying off and yelled ‘Oh Lord!’ And he took off again!”
44. A cowboy gets captured by Indians. The chief says: “For trespassing on our land, you’ll die a thousand deaths. But first, I’ll grant you three wishes.” The cowboy responds: “I wish for a hundred women!” The chief is annoyed. “Why ask for this, are you looking forward to dying?” The cowboy answers: “After a hundred women, I might not care much for life anymore.” Annoyed but keeping his word, the chief summons a hundred Indian women. When they arrive, the cowboy says: “Remember Chief, for my second wish I asked for a hundred women!” The chief summons another hundred. After they arrive, the cowboy says: “Chief, don’t forget, my last wish was for a hundred women!” The chief angrily summons another hundred. The three hundred women surround the cowboy, waiting breathlessly. The cowboy looks at them, then turns to the chief and says: “Chief, let us begin with a little kissing…” The chief screams: “Go ahead and kill him!”
45. An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local cowboy came along to help with his horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the cowboy hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the cowboy commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the cowboy nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the cowboy why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The cowboy said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”
46. A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar and flipped a coin in the air. “I’m going to shoot anybody who tries to stop me from getting my horse back,” he announced. He tossed the coin into the air again. “I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to have another beer, and the horse thief can keep my horse.” Relief flooded through the saloon. The huge sigh was followed by sheer silence. The cowboy finished his beer, flipped the coin again and said, “Nope, I was right the first time. I’m a-gonna go get my horse back.” The bartender nervously asked, “Say partner, what was all that coin flipping about?” The cowboy said, “I just wanted to confirm I still had my fast draw, that I wasn’t getting rusty.” With the room cleared of potential gunfighters, he walked out to claim his horse.
47. Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?” “Yeah,” says the other cowboy. “Look,” says the first one, “he’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.” Just then the Indian raises his head. “Covered wagon,” he says, “about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.” “Incredible!” says the cowboy to his friend. “This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!” The Indian looks up seriously and says, “Ran over me about a half hour ago.”
48. A cowboy rode into a small town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped a coin into the air and announced, “I’m gonna shoot anybody who tries to stop me from getting my horse back.” He flipped the coin into the air again and said, “I changed my mind. I’ll have another drink and the horse thief can keep the horse.” The saloon relaxed and the cowboy ordered another whiskey. But then he flipped the coin into the air again and said, “Nope, I was right the first time. I’m gonna go get my horse back.” A voice from the end of the bar shouted, “Hey partner, let’s be logical about this. What’s all this coin tossing about?” To which the cowboy replied, “I just wanted to confirm I’m still as fast as I used to be.”
49. A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar and with a 1/10th ounce gold piece asked, “I’m going to do a magic trick. Will anyone match my bet of this gold piece saying I can’t get my horse back?” A dozen cowboys and the bartender matched the gold piece thinking it was easy money. The cowboy pointed out the front door and said to his horse, “Get over here!” The horse trotted up to the saloon entrance. The amazed crowd in the saloon asked, “We never saw a horse come. How’d you do that?” The cowboy bet another and larger gold nugget saying he could repeat the trick. The crowd matched it again. He pointed out the door and called, “Get over here!” His horse obliged by trotting to his side. “How do you do that?” the crowd wanted to know but were even more amazed when he made a third bet, calling his horse again. The cowboy collected all the gold, mounted his horse and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender ran out of the saloon and asked, “Before you go, you gotta tell me the secret of this magic trick.” “There ain’t nothing to it,” the cowboy said, “as long as you own the horse.”
50. A cowboy and his new bride check into a hotel. “I’m tired,” she says, and goes up to the room while he goes to the bar. He has a few drinks then starts up to the room. The cowboy realizes how inebriated he is and figures he’ll be forgiven. “I’m sorry, darling – I think I’m a little drunk,” he confesses to his bride. “Think nothing of it, darling,” she says. “I think you’re a little drunk, too.”
51. A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. “Ever have an accident?” “Nope, nary a one.” “None? You’ve never had any accidents.” “Nope. Ain’t had one. Never.” “Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?” “Heck, no, that dang varmint bit me on purpose.”
52. A cowboy rides into town with his dog, Rex. He ties Rex up at the saloon and announces that Rex can talk! The patrons laugh and ridicule the old cowboy, so he says, “Rex, who’s the best cattle rustler in all of Texas?” Rex replies, “Why, you are!” The patrons laugh even harder at this silly charade, and the old cowboy buys himself a drink. He then asks Rex, “Who’s the best trail cook in all of Texas?” Rex replies, “Why you are!” At this point, the patrons are practically falling out of their chairs laughing. Seeing that he’s not fooling anyone, the old cowboy pays for his drink and leaves with Rex. A man at the bar says to the bartender, “What a liar! That dog didn’t say one word!” The bartender replies, “Yep, but that Rex is one heck of a good judge of character!”
53. A cowboy walked into a bar, ordered three mugs of beer and sat at a table by himself. When he finished all three, he left. The next night he ordered three more. Again, he finished them and left alone. This became a routine until one night a concerned patron asked him, “Every night you order three beers and drink them by yourself. Why?” The cowboy replied, “Well, I have two brothers. One moved to Australia and the other one to Ireland. We promised each other that we’d always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.” The patron noticed the cowboy’s mood changed to sadness, so he didn’t ask any more questions. A few nights later, the cowboy came in and ordered only two beers. The patron’s curiosity got the better of him again, so he approached the cowboy and said, “I don’t mean to invade your privacy, but I noticed you’ve only ordered two beers all week. Did something happen to one of your brothers?” The cowboy looked despondently at the floor and muttered, “Yep. I just got word…one of them has given up drinking.”
54. A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?” The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.” “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?” “You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?” “No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used a billion dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. …..Now give me back my dog.”
55. An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?” To which he replied, “Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am.” After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied
