Cops Puns
1. Why do cops make great dancers? They know all the best moves!
2. Why did the cop go to cooking school? To learn how to serve and protect.
3. Why don’t cops need keys? Because they know how to pick locks!
4. Why do cops make good gardeners? They’re experts at planting evidence.
5. Why do cops love construction sites? They love seeing people get nailed.
6. Why are cops bad at hiding? Because they stick out like a sore thumb.
7. Why do cops wear belts? To hold their pants up while they’re chasing people.
8. Why do cops always run out of gas? They spend all day idling.
9. Why do cops drive cheap cars? They’re on a civil servant’s salary.
10. Why do cops always carry raincoats? For undercover work.
11. Why do cops hate math? It gives them problems to solve.
12. Why are cops bad at comedy? They only know slapstick.
Cops One-Liners
13. I asked a cop if he could give me a 5 star wanted rating. He said “that’s not how this works.”
14. I told a cop he was shorter than I expected. He said “the uniform makes me look taller.”
15. I asked a cop why he became a cop. He said “I thought cops got free donuts.”
16. I told a cop I wanted to file a missing persons report for my sense of humor. He laughed and said “very original.”
17. A cop pulled me over and asked “do you know how fast you were going?” I said “nope, but I bet you’re gonna tell me.”
18. I asked a cop if we could turn on the siren for fun. He frowned and said “absolutely not.”
19. I asked a cop if he ever gets tired of the police jokes. He said “nah, they help lighten the mood.”
20. I saw a cop writing a ticket and said “two wrongs don’t make a right!” He said “yeah, but three lefts do.”
21. I asked a cop if he could say something into his walkie talkie. He frowned and said “that’s not a toy.”
22. I told a cop I was claustrophobic. He said “that’s okay, the back of my cruiser is very spacious.”
Best Cops Jokes
23. A cop pulls over a car and says over the loudspeaker “papers.” The driver says “scissors, I win!” and drives off.
The cop radios his partner, “I just pulled someone over, but they won the game so I had to let them go.”
24. A cop sees an old lady driving while knitting. He pulls her over and says “Ma’am, I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you a ticket for distracted driving.”
She replies “Oh no, I was not distracted at all. I was keeping my eyes on the road the whole time. The sweater I’m knitting is for you after all!”
The cop laughs and lets her off with a warning.
25. A man gets pulled over for speeding. The cop comes up and says “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
The man replies “I was trying to keep up with traffic!”
The cop looks around and says “there is no traffic.”
The man smiles and says “that’s how far ahead of them I am!”
26. A cop radios headquarters saying “I’ve got a 10-54 here.”
Dispatch replies “For the last time officer, there is no 10-54 code. Just use plain English!”
The cop sighs and says “Fine, I’ve got an aggressive goat here.”
27. A state trooper pulls over a car and notices five old ladies sitting in the back, not wearing seatbelts. He says “Excuse me ladies, did you know it’s against the law not to wear seatbelts?”
One of the old ladies replies “We tried to wear them officer but we just couldn’t get the belts to fit around our boobs.”
The trooper laughs and lets them off with a warning.
28. A cop pulls over a car for swerving all over the road. The cop walks up and sees a sweet old grandmother behind the wheel.
“Ma’am,” the cop asks, “why were you all over the road back there?”
“Oh officer,” she replies, “I was just trying to read all the bumper stickers!”
29. A man gets pulled over by a cop. As the cop approaches, the man rolls down his window and asks “What seems to be the problem officer?”
The cop says “You didn’t make a complete stop at that stop sign.”
The man thinks for a second and says “If you can show me the legal difference between slowing down and stopping, I’ll take the ticket.”
The cop thinks for a minute, realizes he can’t, and lets the guy off with a warning.
30. A cop sees a car speeding down the highway at 110 mph. He turns on his siren and pulls the car over.
When he approaches the car, the driver is an old lady knitting a sweater. The cop says “Excuse me ma’am, isn’t it dangerous to be speeding and knitting at the same time?”
The old lady replies “Oh no officer, I was not speeding or knitting, but thank you for pulling me over. I finished my sweater for you!”
31. A cop pulls over a car on the highway and says to the man “Do you know how fast you were going?”
The man replies “I was just keeping up with traffic!”
The cop looks around and says “There is no traffic.”
The man smiles and says “Yes, that’s how far ahead I am of them all!”
32. A cop pulls over a car for speeding. As the cop is writing the ticket, the driver says “Officer, I’m a magician. If I can make your badge disappear, will you let me go?”
The cop chuckles and says “Sure, go for it.”
The driver grabs the badge and drives away quickly. The cop calls over the radio “The suspect is getting away!”
Dispatch replies “What suspect?”
The cop says “Exactly!”
33. A state trooper pulls over a car with five elderly ladies in it. None of them are wearing seatbelts. The trooper says “Excuse me ladies, but I need to write you a ticket. It’s required by law to wear seatbelts.”
One of the old ladies replies “Well you see officer, we tried to wear the seatbelts but we just couldn’t manage to get the straps around these big old titties of ours.”
The trooper laughs and sends them on their way with a warning.
34. A cop pulls over an elderly woman for speeding. As he approaches her car, she rolls down the window and asks “What seems to be the problem, officer?”
“Ma’am, you were going over the speed limit back there,” the cop explains.
“Oh, but I was only keeping up with traffic!” the woman exclaims.
The cop looks around and says “Ma’am, there is no traffic.”
She thinks for a second and says “Wow, I must really be in a hurry then!”
35. A man driving past a radar speed trap laughs when he sees the cop frantically waving to get him to pull over. He thinks it’s because the cop has realized his radar gun is broken.
But when the man pulls over, the cop marches up and says, “I know that radar jammer is illegal! Now hand it over!”
The driver looks confused and says, “What radar jammer, officer? I don’t have anything like that.”
The cop gets irritated and says, “Don’t play games with me, you’re obviously using something! There’s no way your car can be invisible to radar!”
36. A cop pulls over an elderly woman for swerving all over the road. He walks up to the driver’s side window and sees the woman furiously knitting a sweater.
“Ma’am, I pulled you over because of your erratic driving,” says the cop. “What are you doing knitting and driving at the same time?”
“Oh don’t worry dear, the sweater is not for me. I’m knitting it for you!” says the woman.
Flattered, the cop decides to let her off with a warning.
37. A state trooper sees a car driving along with five little old ladies inside. He pulls the car over and walks up to the driver’s window. “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over today?”
The old lady driver squints up at him through her coke-bottle glasses. “Was I swerving all over the road back there?”
“No ma’am.”
“Was I driving too fast?”
“No ma’am.”
“Was I driving too slow?”
“No ma’am.”
“Well then officer, whatever it was, I’m sure it must have been one of my friends’ faults and not mine!”
38. A cop sees an old lady driving while knitting and pulls her over. He says “Ma’am, I’m afraid I need to write you a ticket for distracted driving.”
She replies “Oh officer, I wasn’t distracted! This sweater I’m knitting is for you!”
The cop blushes a bit and says “Oh why thank you ma’am, that’s very kind, but I still have to write you a ticket.”
The old lady frowns and starts crying dramatically. “But officer, I was only trying to make you a gift!”
Feeling guilty, the cop lets her off with a warning.
39. A cop pulls over an old man for driving too slow on the highway. As the cop approaches the car, the old man rolls down his window and asks “What seems to be the problem, officer?”
“Sir, you were going 30 mph on a 70 mph highway,” says the cop. “Any particular reason for that?”
“Oh, I was just keeping pace with all the other cars!” says the old man.
The cop looks around and sees the road is completely empty. He stares at the old man blankly.
“Yeah, sure seems like a lot of traffic today,” the old man chuckles.
40. A man gets pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and says, “Sir, do you realize you were going 95 miles per hour back there?”
The man replies, “Officer, I swear I was just keeping pace with traffic!”
The cop looks around and says, “What traffic? There’s not another car in sight.”
The man nods and says, “Yeah, sure isn’t much traffic today, is there?”
41. A cop pulls over an elderly lady for speeding. As he’s writing her ticket, she looks him in the eye and says sternly, “Young man, you should know better than to pick on us senior citizens like this.”
The cop smiles politely and says, “Ma’am, the law says I have to give you this ticket for how fast you were driving.”
She shakes her head and clucks, “If you were a good grandson, you’d tear up that ticket and give your granny a warning instead.”
42. A state trooper pulls over a car with five little old ladies in it. As he walks up, he notices none of them are wearing seat belts. Shaking his head, he says “Ma’am, it’s required by law that all passengers wear seat belts.”
One old lady pipes up, “Well you see officer, we tried to wear them but we just couldn’t manage to get the straps around these big old knockers of ours!”
The ladies all giggle as the trooper’s face turns red. He tells them to buckle up and be on their way.
43. A cop pulls over an elderly man for driving too slow on the highway. He walks up to the driver’s window and sees the man is knitting while he drives.
“Sir, I pulled you over because you were going 30 in a 65 zone. Is there a reason you were driving so slow?” asks the cop.
“Oh don’t worry officer, I was just concentrating on finishing this sweater for you!” says the old man with a grin.
The cop blushes and decides to let the man off with a warning.
44. A cop pulls over an old lady for swerving between lanes. He walks up to her window and asks “Ma’am, any reason for the unsafe driving back there?”
She smiles sweetly and says “Oh don’t mind me, I was just trying to read all the political bumper stickers on the cars around me!”
The cop shakes his head and says “Well be more careful! I’d hate to see you get in an accident.”
As he walks back to his cruiser, the old lady chuckles to herself.
45. A state trooper sees a car zoom past him well over the speed limit. He flips on his lights and sirens to pull it over. When he gets to the driver’s window, he’s surprised to see an elderly woman behind the wheel, calmly knitting a sweater.
“Ma’am, do you know how fast you were going back there?” asks the trooper.
“Oh, was I speeding, officer?” says the woman. “I’m so sorry, I was just trying to finish this sweater for my grandson before his birthday next week.”
The trooper looks down at the half-finished sweater, sighs, and lets her off with a warning.
