My computer has a virus, it’s caught a really bad bug!
My laptop is so slow, it runs on molasses.
I bought a new printer for my computer, it was on sale because it’s missing a font.
I accidentally poured water on my laptop, now it’s in a critical condition.
I was going to tell a joke about my broken keyboard, but I couldn’t get the right keys!
I lost my job at the keyboard factory, they told me I wasn’t putting enough shifts in.
Our family computer is like an unhappy spouse, it freezes up on me everytime I try to use it.
My monitor is so dusty I can write my name on it, looks like it has screen burn!
My laptop was making weird noises, but it’s fine now that I gave it a reboot.
Computer One-Liners
My computer is like an onion, it has lots of layers and makes me cry.
If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
The best thing about a Boolean is even if you are wrong, you are only off by a bit.
A computer science student was found at his terminal frozen stiff. He had forgotten to defrost.
There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
I started a band called USB, we haven’t gotten a gig yet though – we don’t have a port.
Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open!
My friend renamed his iPod The Titanic, because it’s syncing for the very first time.
Best Computer Jokes
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
The computer store was robbed last night. The thieves made off with all the cache!
My computer has been acting really strange lately. It’s like it has a virus or something, it’s just not running like it used to. I tried everything I could think of – running antivirus software, defragmenting the hard drive, reinstalling the operating system – nothing worked. Finally I just lost it and yelled “What is wrong with you?!!” And at that moment my computer froze, the screen turned blue, and it gave me an error message that simply said “Well, there’s no need to shout.” Looks like my computer has developed an attitude!
Working in IT must be a pun-ishing job. You have to deal with lots of angry people who have computer issues. I don’t know how they do it without losing their sanity. Everyday they have to byte their tongue and resist the urge to ram their fists through the screen! It seems like their job is a never ending cycle of putting out fires and getting chewed out by ungrateful employees who don’t back up their data. I couldn’t handle the constant stress of hunting down bugs in the system! Kudos to the men and women in IT – they have the patience of saints!
Why was the computer cold?
It left its Windows open!I recently installed some new updates on my laptop and it’s been acting really strange ever since. It keeps randomly freezing up on me and running really slowly. The other day I had like 15 tabs open in my browser and it just crashed without warning. I lost all my work! It’s so frustrating. I think these new updates are buggy and making my computer unstable. I wish I never installed them in the first place. Now my laptop runs slower than a turtle with a limp. I can’t get any work done on this stupid thing! I’m half expecting smoke to start billowing out the vents and for it to burst into flames at any moment. This is the last time I install updates without waiting for feedback from other users. I guess I learned my lesson about jumping the gun too fast. From now on I’m staying far away from any updates that seem fishy or untested. I’d rather have an old clunky computer that works than a new glitchy laptop that crashes every 5 minutes and barely functions!
Yesterday my laptop suddenly froze up on me and I couldn’t close any of my open programs. I got the brilliant idea to try turning it off and back on again to fix it. Well, it sure did “fix” my laptop – by completely destroying my hard drive and wiping out months worth of work! Now my computer won’t even turn on. I think I fried the motherboard by force restarting it while files were still open. All of my work documents and important business presentations have vanished into thin air! I forgot about the golden rule – thou shalt not restart thine computer while unsaved data is open. Maybe if I send it away to Silicon Valley the nerd squad can perform an emergency hard drive transplant and recover my dead files. But it would probably be cheaper and easier to just throw this stupid useless brick of a laptop into the river and buy a new one. Remind me to back up my data daily next time so I don’t find myself in this nightmare scenario again. I’m off to go cry and break out the Ben & Jerry’s to mourn the loss of months of blood, sweat, and tears. Goodbye old friend, you were a great laptop until I killed you.
My grandpa was having issues with his ancient Windows XP computer. The thing was slower than a snail on sleeping pills! I tried cleaning out the dust and upgrading the RAM but it still could barely run simple programs. I told grandpa he really needed to get a newer model – this relic was older than I am! But he refused to part with his dear old computer. I guess you can’t teach an old dog new bytes. Well we took it to the repair shop and they got it working again, though the poor computer now sounds like a jet engine when it boots up. Grandpa seems happy with it though, he said he doesn’t need anything fancy. As long as it lets him check Facebook and baseball scores he’s content. That old timer is still using Internet Explorer and thought Google was just a typo of Googol! I don’t know how he manages to hobble along on that dinosaur era technology, but he gets by okay. Grandpa’s computer may be ancient but so is he so I guess it’s a fitting match!
Yesterday I was working on an important project when my computer suddenly had a meltdown. First my monitor started flickering wildly and then all of my programs froze up. I couldn’t click on anything! Then a weird flashing error message popped up saying the CPU was overheating or something. I was freaking out, but then I had the bright idea to try blowing cold air on the computer to cool down the CPU. I grabbed the nearest can of compressed air and went to town, blasting the guts of that computer. I heard some rattling noises and saw dust coming out the vents – it must have been clogged up! Well, just my luck, when the dust cleared the computer was completely dead. Turns out I wasn’t supposed to use compressed air to clean it, whoops. I guess I blew the dust straight onto the motherboard and fried the circuits! Now my computer won’t even turn on. I pulled a real dumb move on that one. Next time I’ll just use a can of regular old air!
Yesterday my friend Steve was having major computer issues. His laptop was running as slow as molasses and kept freezing up every few minutes, making an awful buzzing noise. He said it would get so hot you could fry an egg on it! I told him it sounded like classic signs of overheating and he needed to clean the dust out of the fans. But Steve was convinced his laptop was infected with some dangerous virus, like one of those scary ones from a movie that could spread across the world and launch nuclear missiles! He said he was going to destroy the laptop before it evolved into Skynet. I told him he was being paranoid but he wasn’t convinced. I left his house for 30 minutes to grab a can of compressed air and when I got back, Steve had “taken care of” the infected laptop – by smashing it to pieces with a sledgehammer! Now he wants me to help him shop for a “virus-proof” new computer, whatever that means. I love the guy but Steve has some serious technology anxiety! Next time I’ll stick around to supervise his computer repairs.
My grandmother just got her first computer. She is having a bit of trouble getting the hang of it though. The mouse is completely perplexing to her – she tries to tap the screen with it and gets frustrated when nothing happens! I installed a simple game for her to practice with. Well, we were playing checkers against the computer and she got so upset when her piece was jumped that she picked up the mouse and threw it across the room! Then she complained the computer was broken because the mouse stopped working. We had a good laugh about that one and I explained to her that the computer wasn’t actually thinking on its own. At least she’s getting more comfortable with using a computer now, even if the learning curve is steep for her. Grandma is so cute, she uses the mousepad as a coaster for her drinks. And she gets ads for walk-in bathtubs now, which is hilarious. Introducing the older generation to technology always leads to some funny moments, but hopefully she keeps at it. Pretty soon Grandma will be better at computers than me!
I decided to surprise my girlfriend and replace her slow old laptop with a brand new state of the art model for her birthday. I stayed up all night setting it up just right – installing all her favorite programs, importing her files from the old computer, and personalizing it with a cute wallpaper and decals. On her birthday morning I couldn’t wait for her to wake up so I could reveal the big surprise. Well she came downstairs half asleep, took one look at the new laptop and burst into tears! Turns out she’d gotten really attached to her old piece of junk laptop that was on its last legs. That computer had seen her through college and countless hours of work. Even though it could barely handle a few browser tabs anymore, it still had sentimental value to her. Oops, I definitely did not think that gift through properly! Now her old laptop is sitting in the closet gathering dust while she gets accustomed to the new replacement model. Note to self: never replace someone’s primary computer or phone without asking first! I’ll be sure to learn from this blunder going forward.
My son begged me nonstop for a brand new gaming computer so I finally caved for his birthday. This thing was a real beast, decked out with rainbow lights, top of the line graphics cards, liquid cooling – the works! It must have set me back two grand at least. Anyway I figured this mega computer would keep my son occupied for years. But after just a few months he came sulking to me and asking for yet another new computer! When I asked him what was wrong with his current one he said it was “too slow” to play the latest games. I checked out the computer and it was working perfectly fine, still in mint condition. But these new games keep requiring more insane specs. There was nothing wrong with his computer, these game companies just keep moving the goal posts to force people to upgrade! Well I put my foot down and told him he’d have to make do with what he had. Just a couple years ago his current machine would have been science fiction and now it’s suddenly obsolete. These greedy video game CEOs keep artificially inflating requirements to maximize profits. Sorry son, but we’re not made of money! Time to lower those graphics settings if you want the bleeding edge new games. Just wait until you have to buy your own computers, then you’ll understand!
My wireless mouse stopped working the other day so I went to the nearby electronics store to buy another one. After browsing for a while, I found the perfect mouse that fit my hand just right. Before buying it though, I decided to test it out at the display computer. I moved the cursor around and clicked on a few links. It worked flawlessly! Satisfied with my selection, I proceeded to the checkout counter to purchase the display model mouse. The cashier just stared at me for a minute before explaining that I had to buy a new mouse from the box. What difference did it make if the display model was opened, I asked? It’s not like a box of cookies where you want a fresh sealed package. Needless to say, I was told in no uncertain terms that I could not buy the floor model due to “health reasons.” Fine, have it your way, I said. Just seems wasteful and illogical to me. Oh well, next time I’m bringing my own sanitizing wipes!
