Coffee Maker Puns
- I bought an expensive, high-tech coffee maker. It has so many extra features! You could say it’s the cream of the crop.
- My new coffee maker is extremely possessive. It gets jealous if I use any other machine. I think it has some ground issues.
- I was going to return my faulty coffee maker, but they wouldn’t give me a refund. I guess the policy is no grounds for complaint.
- My coffee maker identifies as non-binary. It prefers to use they/them pronouns and goes by the name Mx. Coffee.
- Did you hear about the coffee maker that was arrested? It was charged with assault and battery.
- I told my coffee maker a hilarious joke, but it didn’t laugh. I guess it lacks a funny bone.
- My talking coffee maker is super motivational in the mornings. It really perks me up!
- Someone broke into my house and stole my antique coffee maker collection. The police said they would dust for Prince Albert in a can.
- I caught my coffee maker spying on the neighbors. Now it’s grounded.
- My favorite coffee shop started selling their own brand of coffee makers. Business is brewing for them!
Coffee Maker One-Liners
- My coffee maker is so old, it makes hieroglyphic latte art.
- My coffee maker identifies as a teapot – it’s going through a steep identity crisis!
- I’m writing a song about my coffee maker. It will have a nice grindcore sound.
- My coffee maker keeps telling bad dad jokes. It’s socially espresso.
- I bought my coffee maker at an auction. Now it has some fine grounds for complaint.
- My cheap coffee maker only makes weak coffee. I guess you get what you pay for bean.
- So a skeleton walks into a coffee shop and orders a quad shot latte with extra foam. The barista turns to the coffee maker and says, “Looks like we’ve got a bone to pick!”
- My coffee maker identifies as an avocado toast. It’s feeling very millennial.
- What do you call a psychic midget who escapes from prison? A small medium at large.
- Someone call the police, my coffee maker has gone missing! There’s been a mugging!
Best Coffee Maker Jokes
- Last week my coffee maker started making some very strange noises. At first it was just occasional humming and buzzing sounds, so I didn’t think much of it. But then the noises started getting louder and more frequent. It was a rhythmic grinding, whirring, and hissing – almost like the coffee maker was beatboxing!
- Why was the baby coffee maker crying? It was having a mid-brew crisis!
- Why don’t snakes drink coffee? Because it’s too hard to make a pot without any hands!
- Why do bees make the best coffee? They know how to make it buzz!
- What do you call a coffee maker that gets sent to prison? A percolator!
- Did you hear about the coffee maker who washed up on a desert island? It was completely marooned!
- Why can’t you take a coffee maker snorkeling? It can’t scuba dive if it doesn’t have any fins!
- What do you call a bunch of coffee makers at a party? The perco-lators!
Confused, I checked all the settings but everything seemed normal. I cleaned out the filter basket and made sure there wasn’t any leftover coffee grounds stuck inside. Still, my coffee maker continued to make its odd jazz scat noises whenever I went to use it.
Finally, I gave up trying to fix it myself. I unplugged the chatty appliance and took it into the repair shop down the street. The shop owner listened to my description of the problem and scratched his head.
“Let me take a look,” he said. He opened up the back panel and peered inside, then started laughing hysterically. He reached in and pulled out…a small frog!
“Well, here’s your problem,” the shop owner chuckled. “This little guy must’ve gotten stuck in there and put on a show for you.” We both had a good laugh as he released the frog outside. And I was thankful to have a quiet, normal coffee maker again!
One morning as I finished off my usual breakfast of oatmeal and eggs, I realized I forgot to start brewing my morning coffee. Rushing over to the coffee pot, I was surprised to find that the machine was already full of freshly dripped coffee. Strange, I thought. I know I didn’t set the automatic timer last night.
But as I looked more closely, I noticed the coffee maker was trembling ever so slightly and making faint whimpering noises. To my astonishment, it appeared to be…crying?!
Just then my wife entered, having overheard the commotion. “Oh dear, the poor thing is having another breakdown,” she said sympathetically.
As it turns out, we have a very sensitive coffee appliance. Any disruption in its routine seems to result in anxiety, self-doubt, and fits of weeping. Who knows if it’s just going through a phase or has deeper emotional issues. For now, we simply try to give it patience, understanding, and avoid triggering its mid-brew crises whenever possible!
My friend Jake recently adopted a pet snake named Slippy. Jake was excited to show Slippy all around the house, including the kitchen where Jake spends every morning brewing up his favorite French Roast coffee.
“And this is where the magic happens, Slippy!” Jake said, opening up a cupboard stuffed full of snakeskin-patterned coffee mugs. Slippy eyed the fancy stainless steel coffee maker on the counter and flicked his tongue with curiosity.
“Oh, you must be wondering how I make my delicious java,” guessed Jake. “Here, watch me.”
Jake filled the coffee maker with water, carefully measured out fresh grounds into a filter, and turned it on. Slippy watched, mesmerized, as the aromatic brew began to percolate.
“See, easy as that!” said Jake proudly as he poured out a steaming mug. Slippy looked down at his long, limbless body, then back at the complex coffee maker, and shook his head.
“Ohhh, I get it,” laughed Jake sympathetically. “No hands, no coffee! Don’t worry buddy, I’ll happily share mine with you every day!”
I stopped by Pete’s Busy Bee Coffee Shop, excited to try out the new location that had been getting rave reviews. Pete greeted me at the counter with his usual cheerful smile.
“What can I get started for you?” he asked.
“I’ll take a medium honey latte please. By the way, I’ve been hearing so many great things about your coffee lately from friends. What’s your secret?” I asked Pete.
He grinned proudly. “I learned my technique from the bees themselves! I placed some beehives out back amongst the coffee trees, letting them pollinate the blossoms. The bees work their magic producing organic honey, which I then use as the sweetener in my coffee and espresso drinks. Delicate honey complements and enhances the natural flavors of the coffee.”
“And not only that,” Pete continued, “but the bees actually taught me how to properly tamp and extract espresso. Their fast, vibrating wing beats while working in the hive taught me to tamp rapidly, almost shaking the espresso bed during preparation. This aerates the grounds perfectly for pulling the strongest, richest shots!”
“Wow!” I exclaimed. “No wonder your coffee has such an incredible buzz about town!”
My friend Jim is a collector of rare and antique coffee brewing equipment. He has shelves filled with elegant glass French presses, hourglass-shaped stovetop percolators, and sleek midcentury-modern electric machines. But his most prized possession is a 1920s percolator made by the Russell Electric Company.
Jim found the classic silver and black pot at a garage sale. As soon as he brought it home, the pot started acting strangely. It would turn itself on in the middle of the night, keeping Jim awake with its odd gurgling sounds. Once, it even brewed an entire pot of black sludge that permanently stained Jim’s kitchen counter.
Then one morning Jim came downstairs to find his collection in disarray. Drawers hung open, pieces scattered around the room. And there in the middle of it all stood the Russell percolator, cord wrapped tightly around the body of a French press.
“Aha!” exclaimed Jim. “So you’re the one causing all this mischief!” He promptly confiscated the criminal pot and locked it away in a display case by itself.
“Well, looks like I’ve got myself a regular percolator perp here,” chuckled Jim. “Good thing it’s now safely behind bars where it can’t tamper with any more innocent kitchenware!”
My friend Matt took a solo sailing trip around the tropics last summer. At one of the islands, a storm kicked up and Matt soon found himself struggling against whipping winds and 15-foot waves!
As Matt fought desperately to steer his boat to safety, a massive rogue wave crashed onto the deck. Matt watched in dismay as his precious stainless steel coffee maker was swept overboard and disappeared beneath the churning black water.
The next morning, Matt awoke on shore. The storm had driven him far off course to a tiny deserted island. His sailboat lay smashed against the reef, supplies scattered about. Matt scoured the beach for anything useful and was shocked to discover his coffee pot sitting undamaged in the sand!
“Well I’ll be darned!” Matt exclaimed. “My little coffee buddy survived just like me. Talk about being marooned!”
Luckily Matt had some salvageable coffee beans aboard too. So while waiting for rescue, he was able to enjoy hot, freshly brewed coffee thanks to his ever-reliable marooned companion.
For my girlfriend Amy’s birthday, we decided to take a trip to the Caribbean for some sun, sand, and relaxation. One highlight of our vacation was signing up for an afternoon of snorkeling over a coral reef.
The morning of our snorkel expedition, Amy came rushing out of our bungalow yelling “I have a GREAT idea!” In her hands she clutched our hotel room coffee maker, its cord and filters sloshing around.
“See, I filled the water tank up with rum last night” she explained excitedly. “We can take it snorkeling with us and have an underwater cocktail party with the fish!”
I couldn’t help but chuckle as I broke the news to her that perhaps a coffee maker wasn’t the most seaworthy vessel for beverage transport. And without any swimming fins for propulsion, how would it maneuver about the reef alongside us anyways?
Though disappointed, Amy ultimately agreed that scuba gear and mimosas back on our bungalow porch still made for a pretty ideal birthday celebration.
My friend Eric loves hosting lively parties at his place. Last spring, he threw a swinging ’60s and ’70s themed bash to break in his awesome new lava lamp, beanbag chair, and vintage psychedelic posters.
When I arrived to help setup that afternoon, I noticed several beaten up old coffee percolators stacked by the door. “Eric, what’s with the bunch of junky coffee pots?” I asked. “Oh those guys?” Eric replied excitedly. “They’re not junky – they’re our perco-lators, baby! Groovy music machines for tonight’s happenin’ scene!”
Eric led me to the kitchen and unveiled his secret project: he had transformed the percolators into musical percussion instruments! By filling them with varying levels of coffee beans and affixing mallets to the lids, each pot now played rhythmic beats when shaken.
“Far out!” I exclaimed. When the guests arrived and the perco-lators took the stage, the joint was really jumping! Hippies and beatniks took turns jamming out solos on the funky coffee bean shakers late into the night.
