Clock Puns (16)
1. I fired my clockmaker because he was always running late. I guess he needed to re-watch his timing.
2. I brought my broken clock to get fixed, but the clockmaker refused. I guess he doesn’t have the time.
3. Did you hear about the clock that was arrested? It was charged with timing and battery.
4. My friend got cold feet before his clock repair exam. I told him to not worry and take his time.
5. I accidentally dropped my clock and now it doesn’t tick anymore. I guess it just ran out of time.
6. Did you hear about the clock contest? It was a real time trial.
7. I was late to my clock repair class because I accidentally slept in. I guess I needed to wind my alarm clock.
8. Did you hear about the clock that was knighted? It was made a sir real timepiece!
9. Did you hear about the clock that drank too much coffee? It was a jittery timepiece.
10. I brought my broken cuckoo clock to the repair shop, but they said I would have to come back later. I guess they didn’t have the time right now.
11. Did you hear about the clock that was feeling unappreciated? It felt like it was just another timepiece.
12. I was thinking of replacing the batteries in my clock, but I don’t have the time or the patience!
13. Did you hear about the clock that was feeling old? It was having a mid-life time crisis!
14. Did you hear about the clock that was feeling ignored? It felt like no one gave it the time of day!
15. Did you hear about the clock that was fired from his job? I guess it was about time.
16. I brought my broken Grandfather clock to get fixed, but the repairman said he didn’t have the time to look at it. What a waste of a perfectly good timepiece!
Clock One-Liners (11)
17. I fired my clock for being late. It needed to re-watch its timing.
18. Did you hear about the clock that got drunk? It had too much wine-ding time.
19. I was late to my clock repair exam. I guess I didn’t watch my timing.
20. Did you hear about the clock that was arrested and thrown in jail? It was booked for wounding time.
21. Did you hear about the clock that was feeling old? It was having a mid-life time crisis.
22. I brought my broken clock to get fixed, but the repairman said “I don’t have the time right now.”
23. Did you hear about the clock that felt ignored by everyone? It felt like no one gave it the time of day.
24. I accidentally dropped and broke my clock. I guess it just ran out of time.
25. Did you hear about the clockmaker who was arrested? He was charged with timing and battery.
26. Did you hear about the clock that was promoted at work? It was about time.
27. My clock collection is missing one piece. I guess I just ran out of time.
Best Clock Jokes (32)
28. Last week, my clock suddenly started going backwards. It was very disorienting and confusing trying to get anywhere on time. Finally, I brought it into the repair shop to get fixed. The clockmaker tinkered with it for a few minutes, nodded, and told me, “Yup, this clock is counter-clockwise!”
29. I was running late to an important meeting the other day when suddenly my watch stopped working. I looked down and saw that the battery had died. I started panicking and waved down the nearest person to ask them what time it was. They slowly looked at their wrist and said, “Sorry, I don’t have the time.”
30. Did you hear that they had to cancel the clock building competition? It took too long so they had to call time.
31. A man walked into a clock repair shop with a giant grandfather clock in pieces under his arm. He slammed the piles of parts onto the counter in frustration. The clockmaker picked up a piece and examined it closely, then looked up bewildered at the fuming customer. “I’m sorry, but what exactly am I supposed to do with shattered time?”
32. I was out shopping with my wife last weekend when I spotted a beautiful vintage clock in an antique store. I walked over to admire the intricate carvings and polished wood finish. My wife came up behind me, glanced at the price tag, and said she doubted I had the time for a new hobby. I told her she shouldn’t worry about that and turn her attention back to more important things, like the time.
33. Why was the clock feeling depressed? It felt like it had wasted its whole life just watching time tick by without actually doing anything meaningful or making any difference in the world. Every day, it just sat there on the wall keeping track as people rushed around living their busy lives. It began to question what the point of its own existence was if it never got to actively participate or find a real purpose. The clock felt trapped, useless, and like time was slipping away without it ever getting the chance to truly make its mark.
34. I went to bed really late last night and was running seriously behind schedule this morning. I leapt out of bed in a panic, threw my clothes on haphazardly, and bolted downstairs to find breakfast. My watch was beeping like crazy to remind me I only had 10 minutes before I had to be out the door. In my rushed state, I accidentally poured orange juice all over my cereal and dropped my toast on the floor. My family just shook their heads and my mom said, “Well isn’t this just the chaotic time of day.”
35. The other day, I was at the park enjoying some quiet time on a nice sunny afternoon. Out of nowhere, an irritated man wearing a plaid vest and carrying a huge hammer came stomping towards me. He thrust out his wrist and showed me his antique pocket watch. “Do you think this looks slow to you?” Before I could even answer, he continued his ranting, going on about how he sets his watch perfectly each day in line with the giant town clock but somehow it’s still always 5 minutes behind by the afternoon. I slowly backed away, not wanting to get swung at by that big hammer of his. The guy clearly had some anger issues about time that I didn’t want to get mixed up in.
36. I have a family clock that’s been passed down through generations as an heirloom. Recently, it started consistently losing 10 minutes a day, nearly driving my punctual father insane. He’d glare at it muttering under his breath, then dramatically wind it while raising his eyes to heavens as if asking God why he was being so tortured. After a week of this, we heard a crash one night to find dear old dad smashing the clock repeatedly while cackling wildly under his breath. We may need to stage an intervention about telling accurate time before he ends up in the psych ward.
37. Why can clocks tell time but calendars can’t? Because clocks have hands!
38. Did you hear about the clock that was feeling depressed? It had too much time on its hands.
39. I went to the museum’s clock exhibit but was disappointed not to find Big Ben or any famous timepieces. I approached a museum guide and asked if they had any noteworthy clocks. They replied, “We have no clocks of renown.”
40. Why do clocks make good grammar teachers? Because they know how to use their tenses correctly!
41. Did you hear about the clock that finally retired at 60 years old? I guess it was about time!
42. I took my watch to the jewelry store to get fixed, but when I came to pick it up the repairman somberly informed me there was nothing he could do. My timepiece was deceased.
43. What do you call a clock on the moon? A lunar tick!
44. Want to hear a joke about clocks? Eh, never mind, it’s about time I get going.
45. Why do clocks make the best superheroes? Because they save everyone in the NICK of time!
46. My friend claims he can time travel using his digital wrist watch. I asked him to prove it but he said he didn’t have enough time to explain.
47. Why was the clock feeling existential dread? It was having an identity time crisis because it realized it would never be more than just a clock on the wall marking time.
48. Why are broken clocks always feeling depressed? Because they have so much time on their hands.
49. Why was the grandfather clock falling asleep on the job? It was used to winding down at that hour!
50. Why do clocks look calm on the outside but feel anxious on this inside? Because they worry obsessively if they are keeping time accurately down to the exact second.
51. Did you hear about the clock that was arrested for stealing watches and time pieces? It was booked for robbery and TIME.
52. Why do clocks get paid minimum wage? Because they only work on the hour.
53. Why was the grandfather clock feeling old before its time? It had early-onset dementia.
54. Did you hear about the digital clock that was feeling depressed? It needed counseling to come to terms with its lack of hands.
55. Knock knock! Who’s there? Cuckoo! Cuckoo who? Why you think I’m coo-coo just because I live in a clock?!
56. Why was the clock feeling exhausted when it came home from work? Because every day was the same routine – alarm goes off, time to get up, watch the clock all day, count down until quitting time, then repeat. It felt like groundhog day over and over with no break!
57. Why do clocks always run on time? Because they have a good work ethic and understand the importance of punctuality.
58. Did you hear about the clock that couldn’t keep a job? It kept getting fired for tocking too much on the job.
59. I went to a clock exhibition expecting to see cutting edge models, but it was just a bunch of alarm clocks and kitchen timers. What a waist of time!
