Church Puns
1. Why was the church service so long? The pastor had a lot of mass to get through.
2. Why did the pastor install wheels on the church pews? He wanted to keep his congregation rolling.
3. Why was the church choir so quiet during practice? They were trying not to raise the anthems.
4. Why couldn’t the Easter egg attend church? It wasn’t egg-zactly a Christian.
5. Why was the church congregation so happy? The service filled them with glee.
6. Why did the pastor get rid of the old church bell? He wanted to ring in some new ideas.
7. Why was the new church built so close to the old one? They wanted to be a stones throw away.
8. Why couldn’t the pastor fix the broken church bell? He didn’t have the proper choir tools.
9. Why was the church picnic so chaotic? It was an organ-ized mess.
10. Why was the sermon so boring? The pastor was preachy.
11. Why did the pastor install a fountain at the church entrance? For holy water.
12. Why was the priest late for mass? He had to get altar’d first.
Church One-Liners
13. I took my new girlfriend to church today, but she left halfway through the service. I guess she’s just not that religious.
14. My local church is desperate for money. Now they’re resorting to altar calls.
15. I fell asleep in church last Sunday. Turns out the pastor’s sermons aren’t as compelling as I thought.
16. I volunteered to help with the church bulletin last week. Let’s just say there were a few typos that got printed.
17. Our church installed a new HD video system recently. Now I can see the pastor’s nose hairs in vivid detail.
18. The ushers at our church are extremely committed. I think they’d tackle anyone who tried to sit in the wrong pew.
19. Last week a fight broke out over the last donut at our church’s coffee hour. I guess gluttony is alive and well.
20. Our church band attempted a rendition of “Stairway to Heaven” last Sunday. It was a highway to hell.
21. I decided to liven up our church service by yelling “Amen!” after every sentence. I’m no longer allowed to attend.
22. Our pastor really struggles with names. He called me “Susan” no less than 3 times last service.
Best Church Jokes
23. A family was running late for church one Sunday morning. The dad dashed into his son’s room and yelled, “Get up! It’s time for church!” The son replied, “I don’t want to go!” Dad said, “Give me two good reasons why not.” Son said, “Okay. First, the people at church don’t like me. Second, I don’t like them either!” Dad replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. First, you’re 50 years old. Second, you’re the pastor!”
24. An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop – Acts 2:38!” (A scripture verse). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell some scripture to you.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar, “She said she had an ax and two 38s!”
25. A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”
26. A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed confused. The pastor said “Son, what’s the problem?” The boy replied, “Well, the psalm says ‘the Lord is my shepherd and I shall not want…’ but I want a bike!”
27. A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Bible story. One little boy drew a man driving a car with another man and a woman in the backseat. In front of the car were two other men with stones in their hands. The teacher had no idea what story it was meant to depict. Finally, she asked the boy which story he had drawn. The boy replied, “That’s the stoning of the adulteress. But I couldn’t figure out how to fit the pile of stones in the car!”
28. Two elderly women were attending a rather long church service. About halfway through, one leaned over and said, “My butt is going to sleep!” Her friend replied, “I know, I heard it snoring!”
29. One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church. When she knocked on his door, there was no answer. She knocked again, still no answer. Finally, she opened his door and found him sitting on his bed with a sad look on his face. “What’s wrong honey?” she asked. “Well,” he replied, “I read in the Bible that Sunday is a day to rest. So I’ve decided not to go to church today, I’m going to rest instead.” The mother just shook her head and replied, “Well, I don’t know where you got that idea, but you better get up and get ready, because you’re the pastor!”
30. The church gossip called the pastor and said, “I just wanted you to know that my husband Jim won’t be coming to church today.” The pastor asked, “Oh no, what happened?” She replied, “We had a big argument this morning and he stormed off saying he wasn’t coming back.” “I see,” said the pastor, “well, thank you for letting me know.” He hung up and made a note to mention Jim in the prayers. Just then, Jim walked in the door. The pastor told him, “I’m so glad you’re here! Your wife just called to tell me you weren’t coming today!” Jim rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah, well, she also told me she wasn’t coming today!”
31. Joe loved chocolate cake, and his wife Mary loved making it for him. One day Mary said, “Joe, I’m sorry but I don’t have time to make your chocolate cake today for dessert.” Joe tried to hide his disappointment as they got ready and went to church. When they returned home after the service, Mary surprised Joe by having freshly baked chocolate cake waiting for him. Delighted, he said, “You’re amazing! I thought you didn’t have time to make this?” Mary smiled and replied, “Well, I heard the pastor’s announcement during the service about potluck desserts for the church picnic next week, so I pulled this together really fast!”
32. A priest decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf instead. He told his assistant that he wasn’t feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him. He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 420 yard hole in one. An angel looked at God and said “What’d you do that for?” God smiled and said “Who’s he going to tell?”
33. The church was badly in need of a coat of paint. So the pastor decided he’d do the job himself to save money. The first day he went to work with enthusiasm, and was up on the scaffolding painting away when a storm started brewing. Not wanting to get caught in the rain, he started down but slipped on the ladder and ended up hanging upside down, holding on for dear life. Just then the pastor of the church across the street walked by and saw his predicament. He quickly ran over and said jokingly, “Well pastor, I don’t think the Lord intends for you to be up there painting today.” The first pastor replied ruefully, “You’re absolutely right, I should have listened when the ladder started showing me the error of my ways!”
34. The choir director was frustrated because the tenors kept singing off key during rehearsals. She tried everything to fix the problem, but nothing worked. Finally, in desperation, she went to the pastor’s office. “I don’t know what else to do,” she told him. “Do you have any suggestions?” The pastor thought for a moment and said, “Well, last Sunday during the sermon I noticed the tenors looked bored. Try letting them hold their hymnals upside down. That will flip the notes and keep them more engaged.” The choir director was skeptical, but willing to try anything at this point. At the next rehearsal, the tenors sang while holding their books upside down. Their voices blended perfectly and the rehearsal went great. As the choir members were leaving, one of the tenors approached the director and said, “Thanks for the idea, turning the hymnal upside down worked like a charm! By the way, who’s that guy on the cover with his arms stretched out? I don’t remember seeing him in any of our hymns.”
35. The children’s Sunday school class was learning about Jonah and the whale. The teacher told them how God provided a great fish to swallow up Jonah and how Jonah stayed alive inside the whale for 3 days before it spit him up on dry land. At this point, she asked the class, “And what can we learn from this story?” There was a pause and finally one little girl spoke up timidly: “I guess when God tells us to do something, we better do it or we might get eaten by a whale!”
36. Billy had been misbehaving frequently during church services, so his mom finally took him to see the pastor for some counseling. When the pastor asked Billy what he thought they should do about his behavior, Billy said innocently, “I think you should beat the demons out of me.” The pastor replied, “That’s not what I do, say a prayer about this with me.” So Billy bowed his head and started his prayer by saying, “Dear God, please help the pastor beat the demons out of me…”
37. At a small parish in rural England, the pastor typically took prayer requests from the congregation during Sunday services. One Sunday, a man stood up and said, “I have a prayer request for my son Ryan. You see, Ryan is in the Royal Navy serving abroad on a mine sweeper. Please pray for his safety!” The pastor replied, “Absolutely. We pray for the safe return of your son Ryan, and for safety from mines on the sea.” The entire congregation said “Amen.” The next Sunday, the man stood again during the prayer requests. “Thank you everyone for praying for Ryan last week. You’ll all be happy to hear that the prayer was answered!” The congregation smiled and wondered what good news he had. “Ryan’s ship suffered a mine explosion and he went down with the ship. But by the grace of God, the ship sank in shallow waters and Ryan was able to walk to shore completely unharmed!”
38. An elderly woman was running late for a church meeting, so she wrote a hasty note for her husband saying “I’m at Saint Mary’s for the Missionary Society. Cook your own dinner!” After the meeting, the woman discovered she had absentmindedly put the note in her coat pocket instead of leaving it on the kitchen table. When she returned home expecting a chaotic scene, she found the kitchen clean, dinner prepared, the dishes washed, and her husband relaxing. Baffled, she asked what had prompted him to be so productive. Her husband handed her the note he had found that said, “I’m at Saint Mary’s for the Missionary Position. Come as soon as you can!”
39. A pastor told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.” The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the pastor asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The pastor smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
40. The church finance committee noticed that the pastor always objected strongly whenever they tried to cut the food budget for church events. When asked why, the pastor explained: “Last year some folks complained that the bread was stale and the wine was sour at communion. But when the bread is fresh and the wine good, members say nothing – they just eat and drink and go home. That’s why I insist on quality!” The finance committee chairman replied, “Yes but COMMUNION only happens on Sundays. What about the huge spreads we always serve for Midweek Fellowship and Bible Study?” The pastor said, “Have you ever read in scripture about ‘loaves and fishes’ for the multitudes? I’m just trying to be biblical!”
41. On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple was renewing their vows at their original church. The pastor had them stand and restate their wedding vows to each other. When it was time for “for richer, for poorer” the wife interrupted and said, “we’ll skip that part, pastor. I’ve had enough of the poorer, now I want some richer!” Her husband just smiled and muttered to the pastor, “Like I told you, she’s lost her hearing and doesn’t know how loud she is. Please speak up!”
42. At a conference, pastors from several churches were discussing fundraisers. One pastor said, “We hold a pancake breakfast and always get a huge turnout. What’s your secret?” Another pastor replied, “It’s simple, we just have the women in the church organize it.” “What do they know about pancakes and breakfasts?” asked the first. The second pastor said, “They don’t know anything about pancakes, but they sure know how to keep gossip and criticism going to motivate people to turn up!”
43. One day a new pastor moved to a rural town to take over the local church. He decided to go for a walk and see what the neighborhood was like. He encountered a young boy sitting on his porch, so the pastor walked up and introduced himself. “Hi son, I’m the new pastor around here. I’ll be taking over the church next Sunday.” The boy replied “Ain’t much to take over. Me and momma are the only ones left.” The pastor was crestfallen. “Only two members? Well, who used to go there?” The boy answered, “Me, momma, grandpa and his three sons.” Thinking it over, the pastor said “I’m confused, if there were so many in your family, where are they all now?” The boy shrugged and said “Well, grandpa got mad at his neighbor and shot him. The sheriff came and arrested him and his three boys for murder. And we been waitin’ for a preacher to show up and marry momma ever since!”
44. After church, the pastor stood at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed one man by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” The man replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
45. The elderly pastor made it a habit to visit the parish school one Friday afternoon each month. He walked around dropping in on classes, chatting with students and teachers, and handing out sweets he’d bought. In one classroom, the teacher introduced the pastor to a new student named Billy. When the pastor asked Billy what he thought of the school so far, in a loud voice Billy replied “This school sucks…the teachers are mean and assignments are too hard!” The pastor and teacher were aghast. The flustered teacher said “Billy, apologize to the pastor right this instant!” Billy said “I’m sorry pastor, I didn’t mean to say school sucks, I meant to say it blows!”
