Chelsea Puns (15)
1. What do you call a Chelsea fan who is always sad? Blue!
2. Why did the Chelsea fan cross the road? To get to the other side.
3. I took my Chelsea jersey to get dry cleaned but they said it was perm-press only.
4. Why does it take longer to play Chelsea in FIFA? Because they keep passing it back to the goalkeeper!
5. Why do Chelsea fans love Excel spreadsheets so much? Because they’re great with Sheets!
6. What do you call a Chelsea player who retired from soccer? Pen-sioned.
7. My friend got mad when I called Stamford Bridge old and crumbling. But it was just some Harm-less banter.
8. Why did the Chelsea fan cross the road? To visit the Chelsea Megastore on the other side!
9. I entered my cat in a Chelsea pet lookalike contest. He was disqualified for catenaccio.
10. What did the Chelsea fan say when he lost his season tickets? I’ve been Blue-nosed!
11. Why can’t you borrow money from a Chelsea fan? Because they’re always broke!
12. Why do Chelsea fans hate alphabetical order? Because it puts Arsenal first.
13. I told my friend a joke about Chelsea but he didn’t laugh. It was probably offside.
14. What do Chelsea and possums have in common? They both play dead at home!
15. Why does N’Golo Kante drive a tiny car? He’s used to covering a lot of ground!
Chelsea One-Liners (15)
16. Chelsea’s defense is so bad, even I could score against them!
17. Chelsea fans and class have always been like oil and water.
18. Chelsea’s new stadium plans are the only blueprints they’ll finish top 4 with.
19. Chelsea fans and happiness, name a less iconic duo.
20. Chelsea’s trophy cabinet is emptier than Old Trafford on a Champions League night.
21. Chelsea fans are so miserable, their theme song is “Blue Monday”.
22. Stamford Bridge has seen more managers than seasons Hazard stayed fit.
23. Chelsea’s defending is like my crypto portfolio, always a massive crash right around the corner.
24. Chelsea fans calling Tottenham a small club is like the kettle calling the pot black.
25. Chelsea winning the league title? That’s about as likely as Arsenal winning the Champions League.
26. Chelsea’s transfer policy: Spend big, win nothing.
27. Chelsea’s trophy cabinet contains as much silverware as my kitchen drawer.
28. Chelsea fans watch more reruns than episodes with a happy ending.
29. Chelsea’s defending strategy: Just vibes, no shape.
30. Chelsea winning a league title anytime soon? Keep dreaming!
Best Chelsea Jokes (25)
31. A Chelsea fan walked into a bar looking completely down in the dumps. The bartender asked him what’s wrong.
“I just lost £1000 betting on Chelsea winning the league,” the fan sighed.
“How could you be so stupid?” asked the bartender. “Chelsea winning the league, when was the last time that happened!”
32. A Chelsea fan, Liverpool fan and Manchester United fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their club more. The Chelsea fan insists he is the most loyal and proceeds to jump off the side of the mountain shouting “This is for Chelsea!” as he plummets to his death.
Not to be outdone, the Liverpool fan climbs higher up the mountain and jumps off screaming “This is for Liverpool!” as he falls.
The Manchester United fan looks down for a moment before saying, “This is for Chelsea!” and pushes the Liverpool fan off the edge.
33. Did you hear Chelsea just unveiled their new team crest? It’s a picture of a trophy cabinet.
34. A little boy went up to his father and asked, “Dad, what’s the difference between confidence and arrogance?”
His father thought for a moment before replying, “Confidence is Roman Abramovich bankrolling Chelsea every year. Arrogance is Chelsea fans thinking they’ll win the league.”
35. Three men were on a trip to London and decided to take in a football match while there. They arrived at Stamford Bridge for the game and took their seats.
“Who’s playing today?” asked the first man.
“Chelsea and Arsenal,” replied the second.
“And who are we rooting for?” inquired the third.
The other two men looked at each other for a moment before replying in unison, “Arsenal!”
36. A Chelsea fan went to get a “CFC Champions 2023” tattoo on his arm done before the start of the season. When the season ended without Chelsea winning the league, he opted to just have it changed to “CFC Champions 2024”.
But 2024 rolled around and still no league title for Chelsea. So the fan once again changed the year on his tattoo to 2025.
After Chelsea failed to win the league again in 2025, the tattoo artist shook his head and said, “Look mate, just leave it blank from now on. I’m tired of having you back in here every season to change the year!”
37. What’s the difference between Stamford Bridge and a library? A library has more titles!
38. A Liverpool fan, Arsenal fan and Chelsea fan are climbing up a cliff when they stumble upon a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie appears, granting them each one wish.
The Liverpool fan wishes to win the Champions League. The Arsenal fan wishes for their team to go undefeated for a whole season.
The Chelsea fan is still thinking long and hard about his wish when he suddenly loses his grip and falls off the cliff. As he’s falling to his doom he screams out “Glory Glory Chelsea FC!!!”
The other two fans look at each other in silence for a moment. Finally the genie speaks up and says “Well, looks like someone got their wish today after all.”
39. Why do Chelsea fans always walk alone? Because they have no trophies to carry.
40. A Chelsea fan went to get a custom license plate for his car. He requested “CFC 1905”, the year Chelsea was founded.
The license official shook his head and said, “I’m afraid that plate is already taken by another Chelsea fan.”
“Okay, how about CFC 1955 then?” The year they won their first league title.
“Also taken.”
“Alright, CFC 2005?” The last year they won the Premier League.
“That one’s gone too.”
The Chelsea fan sighed and said “You know what, just give me something with 2031 on it.”
The official shrugged and handed him a plate reading “CFC 2031” figuring no Chelsea fan had reserved that far into the future.
As the Chelsea fan was leaving, the official said “Let me guess, 2031 is the next year you lot think you’ll finally win it again?”
41. Why did the Chelsea fan cross the road? I dunno, he couldn’t get past the halfway line.
42. How many Chelsea fans does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit in the dark and talk about how good the old one was.
43. A Chelsea fan walks into a pub cursing up a storm. The bartender asks him what’s wrong.
“My stupid midfielder missed an open goal that would’ve sent us to the Champions League final!” he vents angrily. “He choked harder than we did winning the damn league.”
“Don’t be too hard on him,” consoles the bartender. “Every player misses sitters sometimes.”
“Yeah but that’s why we bought the £100 million prima donna!” shouts the Chelsea fan. “So he WOULDN’T botch the simple ones!”
44. What do you call a good looking girl in a room full of Chelsea fans? A visitor.
45. A Chelsea fan with a sore throat walked into a pharmacy and asked for something for his pain. The pharmacist offered him a Chelsea scarf.
The fan looked confused and asked “How will that help my throat?”
The pharmacist replied, “It will keep your hands off it for 90 minutes.”
46. Did you hear about the highly suspicious transfer deal between Chelsea and Juventus? Chelsea paid £75 million to buy back Mo Salah from Juventus.
When asked how Juventus convinced Chelsea to pay that much, their chairman allegedly winked and said “We showed them the sales receipt.”
47. Why do Chelsea fans struggle to watch soccer on TV? They can never find the Champions League channel.
48. A Chelsea fan noticed his friend seemed depressed after attending their recent match.
“Everything okay mate? You seem down,” he asked with concern.
“Just Chelsea being Chelsea,” his friend sighed disappointedly.
“What happened?”
“I paid over £100 for my ticket, battled horrible London traffic getting to the stadium, and then watched us deliver yet another lackluster performance capped off by losing at home. I can’t believe my club is content being this mediocre for so long.”
The first fan patted him on the back understandingly and said, “Tell me about it. At this point just be glad you didn’t waste money getting any Chelsea tattoos too.”
49. Why are Chelsea fans the most pessimistic in the Premier League? Decades of experience.
50. How do you know a Chelsea fan is at your door? The knocking always fades away.
51. A foreign tourist visiting England decided to catch a Premier League match during his trip. He managed to get tickets to see Chelsea play at home against Manchester City.
After the match, the tourist approached some Chelsea fans and said, “Excuse me gentlemen, I’m not from around here and had a question. Is it normal for the home fans to be so quiet and the away fans to be making all the noise?”
One Chelsea fan grimaced and replied, “Yeah, for this club anyway…”
52. A Chelsea fan was trying to change a lightbulb but was struggling to get it in correctly.
His friend walked in and saw him getting more frustrated. “Need some help mate?” he asked.
“No thanks,” replied the Chelsea fan as he kept fumbling with the bulb. “I’m used to doing things in the dark.”
53. What’s the difference between Stamford Bridge and a porcupine? The porcupine has thousands of pricks on the inside.
54. How do you make a Chelsea fan cry twice? Tell them a sad story then remind them about it tomorrow.
55. A Chelsea fan went to get a custom framing job done at a craft store. He brought in a photo of Chelsea’s owner holding the Premier League trophy from 2005.
“I’d like a nice frame for this precious photo,” he said proudly to the framer.
She took one look at the image and said, “Sorry sir, we don’t frame works of fiction.”