I was going to get a new carpet, but decided to rug sweep the idea under the table instead.
My new carpet has a plush texture. You could say it’s very down to earth.
I spilled wine on my light gray carpet. Now it’s maroon.
The carpet store had a sale on all flooring. It was quite the rug deal.
I was thinking of installing wall-to-wall carpeting, but I don’t want to cover up the floors.
My carpet used to be bright red, but after years of wear it’s just a muted shade of its former self. You could say it’s a little faded.
I ordered a carpet online that was supposed to be 12 feet long, but when it arrived it was clearly cut short. I got rugburned.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my carpet. Now it’s gone.
Did you hear about the psychic who tripped on a loose corner of her area rug and hurt her elbow? She didn’t foresee that coming.
I keep finding mysterious stains on my new carpet. It has an intriguing, shaggy dog story behind it.
Carpet One-Liners
My carpet used to be white, now it’s 50 shades of gray.
Don’t pull strings with the carpet installer, they have plenty of pull already.
My carpet is so outdated, it probably thinks parachute pants are still cool.
I spilled my drink on my landlord’s carpet and tried to scrub it out, but the stain remained subtly. Subtly is the best policy.
My carpet sweeper doesn’t work very well because my floors are never fully carpeted.
Don’t bother asking my carpet for directions, it’s floorless.
I wanted wall-to-wall carpeting but all the walls said no.
If you spill something on a rental property carpet, act casual and say you thought those stains came with the place.
I told my carpet it deserved better. It walked all over me.
Don’t invite your carpet to lunch if you aren’t prepared to foot the bill.
Best Carpet Jokes
Last night my wife asked me to pass the TV remote that she had accidentally dropped on the carpet beside the couch. As I bent over to grab it, we heard a loud ripping noise. We inspected the damage and realized I had snagged my pants on a loose thread and put a big rip in the knee. My wife shook her head and said, “I told you to get that carpet fixed last week! Now look what happened.”
An elderly man walked into a carpet store and told the salesman he was looking for a nice, soft carpet for his bedroom. The salesman showed him a luxurious wool carpet and said, “This carpet is so soft and cushy, it’s like walking on a cloud!” The old man looked confused and replied, “Son, if I could still walk on clouds, I wouldn’t need a new carpet.”
When I finally bought my own place, the stained, tattered carpet had to go. I ripped it out and found beautiful hardwood floors underneath that some previous owner had inexplicably covered up. I invited my interior decorator friend Jenny over to celebrate. When she saw the floors, she stared in horror. “You ripped out the carpet??” she cried. I smiled proudly and said, “I know, aren’t these floors gorgeous?” She shook her head and said, “But the carpet pulled the whole room together!”
Joe hated his roommate’s cat. Every day he would find little surprises hidden around the apartment. One day he sat down on the couch and heard a strange squishing sound. He discovered the cat had peed on the area rug. This was the last straw! He picked up the rug in disgust and confronted his roommate, “This rug is soaked! Your cat keeps peeing everywhere.” His roommate shrugged and replied, “It really tied the room together.”
When I was a kid, mom would always yell at me for tracking mud into the house after playing outside. One particularly messy day, she pointed at the brown footprints I had trailed across her clean white carpet. I responded, “I was making pathways to help the carpet match the drapes!” Needless to say, mom was not amused.
Grandma finishes vacuuming the living room carpet and proudly announces to grandpa, “I just cleaned this carpet with my new vacuum and now it looks brand new!” Grandpa scratches his head, “But that carpet was already brand new. We just got it last week!”
When I told my friend I was looking for someone to install the carpeting for my new house, he said he knew a guy who could probably help for a really reasonable fee. “How can he charge so little?” I asked skeptically. My friend replied, “Oh he can get away with it through sheer underlay tactics.”
Did you hear about the psychic who conducts all her readings while laying on a carpet remnant? She’s a small medium at large.
My grandmother loves telling the story about the cheap carpet my grandfather installed back in the 70’s. It was state of the art shag at the time but he got it for next to nothing. The carpet guy had quoted $1500 to carpet the whole house, but grandpa noticed a scrap piece out back that the installer was about to throw away. He asked if he could have it, then went home and spent the entire weekend painstakingly patching together random remnants to create an eclectic patchwork rug covering every inch of the house. Grandma says she came home and her jaw hit the floor when she saw it.
A family inherited an old house from a great aunt who had lived there for over 50 years. The decor was outdated, to put it nicely. Wood paneling as far as the eye could see. Shag carpet bathrooms that screamed 1974. Aunt Edna definitely had some unique taste. As they began tearing up the worn gold shag carpet, they discovered beautiful hardwood floors hiding underneath. “Why on earth would Aunt Edna have covered these up?” wondered the wife. Her husband just shook his head and replied, “Because she was absolutely carpet diem about making questionable decor decisions.”
I like to feel organized so I hired professional cleaners to deep clean the carpets before I moved into my new house. When they finished, I was appalled by the results. There were big gaps between the wall and carpet, the vacuuming streaks were still visible, and loose yarns stuck up everywhere. Irritated, I asked why they did they leave my carpet looking so unfinished? The head cleaner shrugged and said, “Well ma’am, you requested we give you ‘border to unfinished corners’ service.”
Susan was online shopping for area rugs to pull her living room decor together. She selected a boho-chic rug and couldn’t wait for it to arrive. When FedEx delivered the rug, Susan excitedly unrolled it and burst out laughing. The photo online showed a crisp, clean patterned rug but hers was a stained mess covered in mysterious spots, pulls, pills, and snags from wall to wall. She quickly wrote a scathing product review titled “False Advertising – This Rug Did NOT Tie the Room Together!”
I’ve always wanted one of those cool carpets that are maps of different cities, with little dots showing famous landmarks and stars marking historical sites of interest. My wife and I were browsing in a home store when I spotted a rolled up rug labeled “Boston Map Carpet” for only $99. What a steal! Without hesitation, I grabbed the carpet and brought it home, excited to show off my decorative find. I unrolled the rug only to discover it was just a blurry blob of brown and black splotches. Confused, I checked the label again which read: “Authentic Boston – with stains and wear marks in all the spots tourists love!”
When my wife and I bought our first house, the light blue bedroom carpet was old and ragged with mysterious stains. We ripped it out immediately and discovered beautiful hardwood underneath. With a little refinishing, the floors looked brand new. Except for one spot under where the bed had been. There was a large faded outline perfectly matching the shape of the bed frame. My brother joked, “Well at least if you move the bed now, it will leave a clean spot so you know where it used to be!”
I recently redecorated my living room with a color scheme of light gray, black and white. It looked very sleek and modern except for one thing – an old brightly colored floral area rug my grandmother had given me. It was hideous but had sentimental value. I just couldn’t get rid of it so I incorporated it into the new decor by placing a black and white Ikat pattern area rug on top! Now you can hardly notice there is another carpet underneath.
Why can’t carpets do standup comedy? Because their routines fall flat and they have no stage presence.
What do you get if you cross a wealthy wool carpet with a tropical fruit? A very rich Persian rug-nana!
Did you hear about the quiet carpet? It was very muffled.
I remember when Aunt Jeanette first started using that weird bottle to spray her carpets. We asked her what it was and she said, “It’s supposed to eliminate any carpet odors and make it smell fresh again!” We all took turns sniffing the rug but couldn’t smell anything different except a faint lemony scent from the spray. Aunt Jeanette insisted, “Oh yes it worked miracles, this carpet used to reek!” I guess the power of suggestion works wonders if you believe strongly enough!
Grandma was moving into assisted living so we offered to get her house ready to sell. She had lived there over 40 years so we knew it needed lots of cleaning and updating. As we ripped up the dated mauve carpet in the dining room, we found hidden underneath a stunning parquet floor in a herringbone pattern. “Grandma, why on earth did you cover this original floor?” I asked, shocked. She replied matter-of-factly, “That bold pattern gave me a headache. Besides, mauve was very stylish in the 80’s!”
The mystery of the hallway closet stumped us all. The door was always closed and grandma warned us never to look inside. Temptation got the best of my brother one night and he cracked open the door, just enough to make out a stash of old blankets on the floor. Why were they being hidden? “Odd that’s how grandma is storing those,” he thought as he carefully closed the door. Many years later when cleaning out her house after she passed, we opened the closet to discover some beautiful antique rugs on the floor underneath the blankets, perfectly preserved.
When my daughter’s goldfish died, she wanted to give it funeral and bury it in the backyard garden. I tried dissuading her by suggesting we flush the fish down the toilet. She howled, “Noooo Brownie needs a carpet burial!” Puzzled, I asked what she meant by that. “You know, wrap Brownie up in a little carpet square and put him in the ground.” I had to explain she meant an actual burial, not a “carpet” burial, but I was proud she made up her own creative version of the word!
Our living room rug is literally held together by double sided carpet tape. The edges are frayed, the nap is matted in areas, and mysterious stains have discolored over time. It’s seen better days, but I can’t bear to replace this old friend. Too many memories woven into the threads – Elmer, our beloved old basset hound use to happily wag his tail, perfectly flicking dust tufts into the air. My toddlers’ tentative first steps, gripping the rug for balance. And my husband, down on one knee as he proposed to me, framed by its floral edges.
I always wanted an accent rug to add visual interest to my open concept living space. My husband surprised me on my birthday with a long rectangular package propped up in the corner with a big bow on it. I tore off the paper excitedly only to discover…an actual corner. Just the corner square of a trellis patterned area rug. Perplexed, I read the note taped on which said “Just getting you started! Let me know if you want the rest of the rug at some point!”
When my wife and I bought our current house, one downside was the wall-to-wall bedroom carpeting covering beautiful hardwood floors. We have been meaning to rip it out for ages but haven’t found time. Meanwhile I’ve gotten use to finding Cheerios, crumbs, and occasional mystery debris in the shag fibers. I gently tease her this filthy carpet really ties the room together…like a crumb-catcher rug.
The rental carpets were a lost cause, but Amanda didn’t have the budget to replace them yet. The stains and musty smell lingered no matter how much she scrubbed. A creative DIYer, Amanda came up with a stylish solution. She purchased a large jute area rug with a bold Moroccan tile pattern, then placed four smaller geometric print rugs layered on top. The mismatched patchwork completely hid the icky base carpet. When her design savvy friend dropped by, Amanda waited excitedly for the compliments to roll in about her carpets pulled together decor scheme!
When our daughter Leah turned thirteen, she decided pink was no longer her favorite color. We spent hundreds of dollars redecorating her bedroom to fit her new boho-chic style vision. Six months later, she announced she was into neon colors. Out came the paint samples as Leah flipped through shades of screaming green, orange, and yellow for her updated color palette. As we prepped to paint yet again, I started dreading whatever brightly colored rug she would likely want next to tie her latest scheme together. Sure enough, Leah begged for a custom rainbow shag carpet “like a beautiful rainbow landed in my room!” I tried suggesting we work with the neutral tan carpet already there, but Leah insisted it wasn’t colorful enough to pull her decor together anymore.
We inherited my Aunt Lilly’s old house and have been working hard to clean it out and fix it up. In the living room, we pulled up a corner of the burnt orange and brown floral carpet that looked straight out of the 1970s. Underneath we were surprised to see a beautiful hardwood floor in good condition. How amazing to uncover these hidden gems after being concealed under tacky carpet for decades! We eagerly ripped out the rest of the old carpet and had nice visions of refinishing the reclaimed floors. As we carried out scraps to the dumpster, my mom smiled and said dreamily, “You know, now we’ll finally be able to get some neutral Berber carpeting in here to really pull this outdated wood paneling room together!”
