Candy Puns
1. What do you call a sad piece of candy? A blue M&M.
2. Why was the gum cross? It was chewed out.
3. What do you call a snake that loves candy? A snickers snake.
4. Why did the candy corn get married in June? Because it was the sweetest month!
5. What did the chocolate bar say when it got a promotion? I went from plane to King Size!
6. Why do peanut M&Ms feel safe? They’re surrounded by nuts.
7. Why couldn’t the gummy worm go to school? It was feeling coiled.
8. Why did the lollipop cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken.
9. What do you call a dentist who loves candy? A sugar daddy.
10. Why are Oreos like the galaxy? They’re both filled with dark matter.
11. What do you call a sad Skittle? A blueberry.
12. Why was the Jelly Belly so flexible? It did a lot of stretches.
13. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
14. Why did the Twizzlers get sent to their rooms? They were being too twisty.
15. What did the Hershey’s Kiss say when it got married? I got Hershey’d away!
Candy One-Liners
16. I got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W’s.
17. My dentist told me to avoid sweets, so I’m staying away from him.
18. Candy corn: the only vegetable that dessert lovers will eat.
19. The candy thief was caught red licorice.
20. Why do optometrists make the best candy? They have an eye for chocolate.
21. Getting paid in chocolate seems like a dream job until you get a cavity.
22. I was going to tell a joke about Reese’s Pieces, but they peanut butter cup it.
23. Lifesavers: for when you need to look minty fresh after eating candy.
24. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
25. Candy floss: proud sponsor of the cavity club.
Best Candy Jokes
26. A man walked into a candy shop looking very upset. The owner asked him what was wrong, and the man said “I’ve been having a really tough day. My car broke down, my boss yelled at me, and I just found out my wife is leaving me.”
The owner replied “That’s awful, I’m so sorry to hear that. Here, have some chocolate, it always makes me feel better.” The man ate the chocolate and immediately started smiling and laughing.
The owner was confused and asked “Why are you suddenly so happy?” The man said “Because I finally found a candy that tastes like crap!”
27. A father was taking his young daughter trick or treating for the first time. They came to the first house and rang the doorbell. A man dressed as Dracula opened the door and the little girl immediately started crying.
The father apologized and said they would skip this house. As they walked away, Dracula called after them “Don’t be scared little girl, I don’t suck blood, only boiled sweets!” This made the little girl cry even more.
The father leaned down to comfort her and said “Don’t worry honey, he can’t get his fangs into those hard candies.”
28. A woman got on a bus holding a bag full of candy. The bus driver said “That’s an awful lot of sweets you got there.”
The woman replied “Yes, I’m bringing them to my grandchildren.”
The driver said “Well I love candies too and have never seen such a big bag. Could I please have one?”
The woman thinking he was being nice said ok and let him take a candy.
This repeated at every stop with the driver asking for more and more candy until the bag was empty.
Finally the woman got to her stop and turned to leave. The driver called out “Ma’am you are too kind, is there anything I can do for you?”
She looked at him and said “Yes, next time tell me to get off at the first stop!”
29. A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. The officer said “Do you know how fast you were going?”
The man replied “No officer, I was too busy trying to eat this giant lollipop to look at my speed.”
The officer was surprised and said “Let me see that lollipop.” After inspecting it he said “This lollipop is way too big to be eating while driving.”
The man grabbed the lollipop back and exclaimed “If I want your opinion, I’ll scrape it off my window!”
30. A tourist visiting a small town stopped at the local candy store. He bought a huge bag of gummy bears.
The owner said “Those gummy bears are really popular.”
The tourist said “Well, I’m going camping for a week and I need something chewy to snack on.”
He left the store and headed into the forest. A week later, he returned, looking thin and haggard.
The owner asked what had happened.
The tourist said “Those gummy bears you sold me? Total lie. Not one was gummy, and not one was a bear.”
31. A man was sitting on a park bench eating bag after bag of candy. A police officer noticed and walked over saying “Sir, that much candy is unhealthy. You really should cut back.”
The man replied “Well officer, I’ve tried to stop eating it so many times, but I’m just addicted to chocolate.”
The officer said “Addicted?! There’s no such thing. Eating chocolate is a choice.”
The man said “Ok, well I choose to eat more when you’re gone.”
The officer shook his head and walked away. The man continued enjoying his candy without guilt.
32. Two kids were arguing over who would get the last candy bar. Their mom came in and settled things by eating it herself. When the kids protested, she said “There’s no use crying over spilled milk.”
One kid said “But mom, it was a candy bar, not milk!”
She nodded and replied “Oh right, my bad. Well in that case, keep crying, I don’t care.”
Candy Puns
33. Why are chocolate chip cookies so optimistic? They’re always looking on the bright side.
34. Want to hear a construction joke? Nah, I’m still working on it.
35. Why was the jellybean nervous? It was about to take its Candy Exam!
36. Why didn’t the banana snore? It didn’t want to wake up the rest of the bunch!
37. How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch!
38. What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry!
39. Why did the kid throw his clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly!
40. How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it!
41. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!
42. Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
43. How do you make a lemon drop? Just let it fall!
44. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
45. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field!
46. Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Candy One-Liners
47. I tried melting gummy bears as a kid. Boy, that got me into a sticky situation.
48. Candy corn is the only vegetable you’ll find in my house.
49. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
50. Why do optometrists make the best candy? They have an eye for chocolate.
51. Getting paid in chocolate seems like a dream job until you get a cavity.
52. I got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W’s.
53. My dentist told me to avoid sweets, so I’m staying away from him.
54. The candy thief was caught red licorice.
55. Lifesavers: for when you need to look minty fresh after eating candy.
56. Candy floss: proud sponsor of the cavity club.
Best Candy Jokes
57. A man walked into a candy shop looking very upset. The owner asked him what was wrong, and the man said “I’ve been having a really tough day. My car broke down, my boss yelled at me, and I just found out my wife is leaving me.”
The owner replied “That’s awful, I’m so sorry to hear that. Here, have some chocolate, it always makes me feel better.” The man ate the chocolate and immediately started smiling and laughing.
The owner was confused and asked “Why are you suddenly so happy?” The man said “Because I finally found a candy that tastes like crap!”
58. A father was taking his young daughter trick or treating for the first time. They came to the first house and rang the doorbell. A man dressed as Dracula opened the door and the little girl immediately started crying.
The father apologized and said they would skip this house. As they walked away, Dracula called after them “Don’t be scared little girl, I don’t suck blood, only boiled sweets!” This made the little girl cry even more.
The father leaned down to comfort her and said “Don’t worry honey, he can’t get his fangs into those hard candies.”
59. A woman got on a bus holding a bag full of candy. The bus driver said “That’s an awful lot of sweets you got there.”
The woman replied “Yes, I’m bringing them to my grandchildren.”
The driver said “Well I love candies too and have never seen such a big bag. Could I please have one?”
The woman thinking he was being nice said ok and let him take a candy.
This repeated at every stop with the driver asking for more and more candy until the bag was empty.
Finally the woman got to her stop and turned to leave. The driver called out “Ma’am you are too kind, is there anything I can do for you?”
She looked at him and said “Yes, next time tell me to get off at the first stop!”
60. A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. The officer said “Do you know how fast you were going?”
The man replied “No officer, I was too busy trying to eat this giant lollipop to look at my speed.”
The officer was surprised and said “Let me see that lollipop.” After inspecting it he said “This lollipop is way too big to be eating while driving.”
The man grabbed the lollipop back and exclaimed “If I want your opinion, I’ll scrape it off my window!”
61. A tourist visiting a small town stopped at the local candy store. He bought a huge bag of gummy bears.
The owner said “Those gummy bears are really popular.”
The tourist said “Well, I’m going camping for a week and I need something chewy to snack on.”
He left the store and headed into the forest. A week later, he returned, looking thin and haggard.
The owner asked what had happened.
The tourist said “Those gummy bears you sold me? Total lie. Not one was gummy, and not one was a bear.”
62. A man was sitting on a park bench eating bag after bag of candy. A police officer noticed and walked over saying “Sir, that much candy is unhealthy. You really should cut back.”
The man replied “Well officer, I’ve tried to stop eating it so many times, but I’m just addicted to chocolate.”
The officer said “Addicted?! There’s no such thing. Eating chocolate is a choice.”
The man said “Ok, well I choose to eat more when you’re gone.”
The officer shook his head and walked away. The man continued enjoying his candy without guilt.
63. Two kids were arguing over who would get the last candy bar. Their mom came in and settled things by eating it herself. When the kids protested, she said “There’s no use crying over spilled milk.”
One kid said “But mom, it was a candy bar, not milk!”
She nodded and replied “Oh right, my bad. Well in that case, keep crying, I don’t care.”
64. A man walked into a candy store and asked for a chocolate bar. The clerk said, “Sorry, we’re all out.” The man was shocked and said, “How can you be a candy store with no chocolate?!” The clerk just shrugged and said, “Beats me, I just started working here.”
