I was late to work because my bus went the wrong wey. The driver clearly missed a turn.
My friend got a job as a bus driver, but he quit after a week. I guess he realized it just wasn’t his route.
I saw a bus driver sporting some fancy new shoes. I asked him where he got them from, and he said “Sneakers O’Toole’s bus shoe emporium.”
Did you hear about the angry bus driver who drove his passengers nuts? He was always blowing his top and flipping out.
My kid wants to be a bus driver when he grows up. I told him it’s a big responsibility driving all those passengers, but he says he can handle it. That boy has some real drive.
I saw a bus filled with musicians driving down the road. I guess it was a bandwagon.
Did you hear about the bus driver who got fired for bad behavior? His boss gave him the axle.
My friend drives the short bus at our school. You could say it’s his mini van.
I saw a bus load of police officers today. It was a cop wagon.
I’d say that bus driver has all his passengers under control. He’s a real wrangler.
Bus One-Liners
I was going to tell a joke about the bus, but it wouldn’t fit on one line.
That bus driver really earned his daily bread loafing around.
My first time riding the bus was an experience I’ll never forget or remember.
The band bus broke down, but the tuba player kept us entertained by beat-boxing.
I saw a school bus drop off a single child today – I guess you could call it a one-kid wagon.
Riding the city bus always feels like a sauna on wheels.
Bus brakes screeching may be the worst sound known to man.
That bus hit every pothole on my street – my spine will never be the same.
The city bus: Where strangers become best friends for 15 minutes.
Bus windows are perfect for spying on pedestrians.
Best Bus Jokes
An eager young pastor got on a city bus and struck up a conversation with the driver, who mentioned he went to a different church. Excited to meet someone from his denomination, the pastor said, “Oh really? Which bus stop do you get off at?”
A tourist visiting a city takes a seat on a bus next to a nun. He’s very curious about her life, so he says, “Excuse me sister, but can you tell me about the restrictions in your order?” The nun replies, “Well, we can’t smoke, drink, curse, or fraternize with men.” The man nods and says, “I see. Have you ever considered taking the bus?”
A bus with many noisy children was chugging along an old country road when it came to a crossroads. The bus driver stopped and asked a farmer, “Should I go left or right to get to Coldwater?” The farmer thought for a minute and said, “It doesn’t really matter – either road will get you there.” Surprised, the bus driver replied, “Well how can both roads lead to Coldwater? Surely one must be the right way?” “Not really,” said the farmer. “You’re on my hay wagon.”
One day at a bus stop, a woman who was waiting for the bus was knitting a sweater for her husband while passing the time. A man gets on the bus and starts insulting her crocheting skills. He says, “That has got to be the ugliest sweater I have ever seen! It’s hideous!” Embarrassed, the woman collects her things and gets off the bus. Once the bus drives off, the man sits back down and chuckles. A lady passenger looks at him disapprovingly and says, “That wasn’t very nice of you to embarrass her like that when she was minding her own business.” The man laughs and says, “Oh don’t worry, that wasn’t my stop – I’m still on the bus!”
A desperate looking man ran up to a bus driver heading out on his route and begged him for a ride. The driver asked him why he needed a ride so badly. The man explained, “My wife ran off with the man next door, and when I went after them, my car wouldn’t start. So please let me on your bus!” The driver let the man on and a few minutes later the bus approached a bus stop with three women waiting. The man jumped up excitedly and said, “There she is! Let me off right now!” But the driver wouldn’t open the door, saying “Calm down! We don’t even know if that’s your wife.” The man insisted it was her. So the driver stopped the bus and watched as the distraught husband ran up to a blonde woman on the bus stop bench and threw his arms around her. As the other passengers craned their necks to see what would happen next, the man planted a big kiss right on the woman’s lips while she tried pushing him away. At that moment the man’s actual wife came running from the store behind the bus stop yelling, “Sam! Get your hands off of that poor lady!” The bus passengers erupted in laughter at the scene.
A woman gets on a public bus that has some empty seats. She sits down and places her shopping bags on the seats around her. A few stops later, a man gets on the bus and says politely, “Excuse me ma’am, could I sit there please?” Motioning to the shopping bags on the seat. The woman arrogantly responds, “Can’t you see I’m saving these seats for my friends?” Annoyed by her rude behavior, the man finds a place to stand. At the next stop, a second man gets on and says to the woman, “Ma’am, may I have one of the seats you’re saving?” She replies nastily, “Can’t you tell these seats are for my friends? Find somewhere else to sit!” At the third stop, yet another man gets on the bus. He walks over to the woman and says, “Good afternoon, my dear. How are you today?” The woman answers, “Just fine thank you.” The man then picks up the woman’s shopping bags, places them on her lap, and sits down.
A police officer gets on a city bus and starts checking passenger’s tickets. He approaches an elderly woman and asks to see her ticket. The woman frantically searches her purse but can’t find it. She starts crying, “I had my ticket this morning, I don’t know where it went! Please don’t fine me, I’m just a poor old lady!” The officer tells her to calm down and asks a few questions. She explains she is on her way home from volunteering at the children’s hospital. The officer smiles, pats her shoulder, and says, “It’s alright ma’am, mistakes happen. I’m sure we can sort this out.” Relieved, the old woman thanks him as he moves on. A few minutes later the woman is seen whispering something to the man sitting next to her. The officer’s suspicions are raised, so when he finishes checking tickets he walks back over to the elderly woman. He leans down close to her and says softly, “Ma’am, I know you found the ticket. Now hand it over before I escort you off this bus.” Flustered at being caught, the old lady pulls the crumpled ticket out of her purse and hands it to him shamefacedly. The officer takes the ticket and says in a booming voice, “Folks, this woman is a perfect example of why we need police checking bus tickets. She was trying to get a free ride!” The other passengers start scolding the elderly woman for taking advantage of the system.
One morning, a bus driver was just starting his route when he saw a blonde woman trying to cross the street. He stopped the bus and called out “Come on, hurry up and get on!” The woman ran across the street and got on the bus, thanking the driver. “No problem miss, have a seat” he said kindly. But as soon as she sat down, the driver suddenly slammed on the brakes and the blonde slid down the aisle. Furious, she marched up to the driver and demanded “Hey! What was that all about?” The driver chuckled and said “Oh I’m sorry, I just realized I’ve picked up the wrong blonde!”
A businessman boards a city bus and sits down. At the next stop, a loud and aggressive man gets on and sits next to the businessman. The rude man starts making crude remarks and cursing up a storm, causing the nearby passengers to feel very uncomfortable. After a few minutes, the businessman gets up, walks over to the foul-mouthed passenger and says politely – “Sir, you seem to be very stressed. If you’d like, I’d be happy to give you a short course in anger management and effective communication techniques that can help relieve stress.” Surprised, the man accepts the offer. For the rest of the bus ride, the businessman calmly explains psychological concepts and leads breathing exercises. By the end of the lecture, the rude passenger is completely relaxed and apologetic about his behavior. As they part ways, the businessman says “Remember, stress comes from holding in emotions. Let things out in a productive manner and have a nice day!” The other passengers smile in appreciation.
A bus driver is picking up passengers on his route when he stops to let a frail, elderly woman onboard. As she’s climbing the steps, he notices she’s moving very slowly. Worried that she won’t be able to make it up, the bus driver gets out of his seat to help her. But suddenly, two men from the back of the bus hurriedly get up and swoop in on either side of the woman. They link arms with her and aggressively force her up the stairs and down the aisle to the back seat. Shocked at their rudeness, the driver yells “Hey! What do you two think you’re doing?” One of the men shouts back, “Don’t worry about it, this is our stop anyways.” And with that, both men shove the frail old woman out the emergency exit door and jump off the moving bus after her. The bus driver slams on the brakes, calls 911, and races to help the woman who is laying on the sidewalk crying in pain. The police swiftly arrive and arrest the two men. Later on, the grateful elderly woman hugs the bus driver and thanks him for saving her from those thugs who were trying to rob her.
