Bible Puns (15)
1. I Noah guy who can help me understand the ark story. He’s a real animal expert!
2. Reading the begats is so boring. I guess you could call them the be-GATS-me sections of the Bible.
3. I wanted to read about Jericho but I got walls blocked. Guess I’ll have to Joshua ’round them.
4. Moses told Pharaoh to let his people go but Pharaoh was in de-Nile.
5. The Israelites worshipped a golden calf but it turned out to be a bad idea in Heifer-sight.
6. David fought Goliath with just a slingshot. I guess you could say he hit a Philistine out of the park!
7. Samson was a strong guy but he had one weakness – he could never resist a cutting remark from Delilah.
8. Jesus turned water into wine but the guests were skeptical until they saw the proof of the wine.
9. The Last Supper wasn’t much of a feast – it was more of a fast food establishment.
10. Judas betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. I guess you could say he was a sell-out disciple.
11. Peter denied Jesus three times – I guess you could say he really Peter’d out.
12. Paul wrote a lot of letters to early churches. He was a real epistle propagator.
13. Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the 10 Commandments but dropped one – it was a tablet lost.
14. Samson killed 1000 Philistines with a donkey’s jawbone. Talk about being an ass-kicker!
15. Building the Tower of Babel was a bad idea in hindsight – they should have known it would end in babble-on.
Bible One-Liners (15)
16. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
17. Noah was outstanding in his field.
18. The Israelites were caught between Iraq and a Red Sea place.
19. Adam bit the forbidden fruit and man was he fried!
20. Moses tells the Israelites, “The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.”
21. In the Beginning there was the Word. But by the third day God said, “Let there be light!”
22. Then again, Lot’s wife was told not to look back, and she became a pillar of salt.
23. Methuselah lived to be 969 years old . . . but who called him when it was his birthday?
24. Noah brought two of each living creature onto the ark, but he probably had only a vague idea of what he was getting into.
25. Moses said to the children of Israel, “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land.” Nearly 400 years later, Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, light up a camel, this is the promised land.”
26. They say Moses was meek, but look what he did to the guy who said “Made our Minerals.”
27. Did Eve ever have a date with Adam? Nope, just an apple.
28. Cain slew Abel to see if he was Abel.
29. Moses came down from the mount with a glow, but he covered up what little he did show.
30. Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the snake. And the snake didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Best Bible Jokes (25)
31. A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
32. A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”
33. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
34. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
35. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. One nun had written a note, “Take only one, God is watching.” Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A little boy wrote his own note, “Take all you want, God is watching the apples.”
36. A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
37. A pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf. He told his assistant that he wasn’t feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him. He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one. An angel looked at God and said “I know that you are all-knowing and all-powerful, but come on? Do you really think that was fair? He should be punished.” God nodded in agreement. The pastor approached the tee for the 2nd hole. Another huge gust carried his ball straight into the hole. Again, the angel pleaded with God to punish the pastor. God shook his head no and said “Who’s he going to tell?”
38. After church one Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.” “That’s okay with us, but what made you decide to be a minister?” “Well,” the boy replied, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.”
39. A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this crap!?”
40. At Sunday School, the children were learning how God created human beings. Adam was made from dust, Eve from Adam’s rib, and so on. Later in the week, a small girl was playing with her mother when she said: “Mommy, Mommy, guess how little girls are made! We are made from Blue Ribbon baking powder and buttermilk, and little boys are made from snails and snails and puppy dog tails!!!”
41. A little girl talked to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”. The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.
42. A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.”
43. A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
44. A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied. “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
45. Q: Why was the baby ant confused? A: Because all of his uncles were ants.
46. Q: Where did Noah keep his bees? A: In the ark hives!
47. Q: Who was the fastest runner in the Bible? A: Adam, because he was first in the human race!
48. Q: Why did the whale swallow Jonah? A: It wanted a prophet on its stomach!
49. Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A: Ruthless.
50. Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
51. Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A: Your mother ate us out of house and home.
52. Q: Which Bible character had no parents? A: Joshua, son of Nun (None).
53. Q: Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark? A: Because Noah was standing on the deck.
54. Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A: Samson. He brought the house down.
55. Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A: Ruthless.
