Beef Puns
1. What do you call a cow who works out? Beefcake!
2. Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot roast.
3. Why don’t cows ever have any money? Because farmers milk them dry!
4. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
5. What do you call a magic cow? A Beefwitch!
6. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
7. What do you call a cow that just gave birth? De-calf-inated.
8. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
9. What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
10. Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was an udder disaster!
Beef One-Liners
11. I went to the butcher and grabbed him by the shoulder. He said “Sir, you’re pressing your luck.”
12. My friend told me he didn’t understand beef stew. I told him it’s a meal that’s made for simpletons.
13. I ordered a hamburger with no beef. The waiter said, “You mean a bun?” I replied, “No, I mean no beef.”
14. I saw a sign that said “beef tacos” so I ordered one. But it was just a taco filled with beef.
15. I was craving a burger, but the chef said if I want beef I’ll have to pay. That’s how he makes his money, see.
16. I asked the butcher for some good chuck roast. He pointed to an elderly man waiting in line.
17. I saw a cow using an abacus today. I guess it was doing cow-culations.
18. What’s a cow’s favorite martial art? Moo Thai.
19. What did the mama cow say to her calves? “It’s pasture bedtime.”
20. Two cows were arguing in a field. One said, “Am not!” The other said, “Moo are!”
Best Beef Jokes
21. A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. “I can’t stand working with those cows,” he complained to the bartender. “All day long it’s ‘Moo, moo, moo.’ My nerves can’t take it anymore!”
“Wow, you think you have it bad?” the bartender replied. “I have the butcher next door constantly asking me ‘Where’s the beef? Where’s the beef?’ all day long!”
22. A young cowboy went off to college. When he came back after his first semester, his father asked him what subjects he’d taken.
“Well, I took math, history, some science…”
The father interrupted, “No, no, no! I mean what did you take about cows?”
“Um, actually there weren’t any courses specifically about cows,” the son replied.
The father shook his head sadly. “Son, you’ve got a lot to learn about ranching. When you go back, be sure to take more cow courses!”
23. Two cows were talking in the field. One said to the other, “Are you worried about getting mad cow disease?”
The other cow said, “Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? I’m a helicopter.”
24. A rancher was struggling to get his cows into the pen. His wife walked out to see what all the commotion was about. After watching her husband’s futile efforts, she said, “You know, dear, I think it would be easier to herd those cows if you just yelled ‘moo’ really loudly.”
The rancher stopped and looked at his wife. “The cows don’t come to ‘moo’- they come to food.”
25. Why don’t cows ever laugh at jokes? They’ve herd them all before.
26. What did the cow say on a hot summer’s day? “Time to head to the beef beach for a while!”
27. What did the mama cow say to her son when he was sad? “Don’t have a cow, man!”
28. A policeman saw a farmer leading a cow down Main Street. “Hey you can’t lead that cow down the middle of Main Street!”
The farmer replied, “This ain’t just any cow, officer. This is a police cow.”
The cop scoffed. “Police cow? I don’t believe that for a second. What makes it a police cow?”
“It’s udder covers are registered and verifiable.”
29. Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side!
30. What do you call a grumpy cow? Mood-y.
31. Where do cows like to go on weekends? To the moo-vies!
32. Why don’t cows ever have any money? Because farmers milk them dry!