Bandage Puns
- I tripped while hiking and had to get a bandage. I guess you could say I got… trail mix.
- My friend got a job at the bandage factory but quit on his first day. He said it was too much pressure to wrap things up.
- Did you hear about the clumsy chef who had bandages on all 10 fingers? He kept chopping and slicing himself in the kitchen.
- Our bandage supplier makes really thin ones. You could say they specialize in shear bandages.
- I put a bandage on my paper cut today. I patched things up.
- The factory that makes self-adhesive bandages is having problems with their equipment. They just can’t seem to stick to a production schedule.
- I tripped and fell earlier, scraping my knees badly. My wife helped bandage me up though, so I knew I could count on her patch support.
- Did you hear about the mobster who needed a bandage? He went to the first aid capo.
- Why can’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
- My friend got drunk and fell, scraping his chin badly. The next day he had a bandage on it. I said, “Rough night?” He said, “Yeah I got plastered.”
Bandage One-Liners
- Don’t worry if you get hurt, bandages make everything ouch better.
- I was going to make a bandage joke but I decided not to open old wounds.
- Bandages may stick to fur and pull it out, but look on the bright side—at least the blood sticks to the bandage and not your fur!
- Bandages: Sticking with you through thick and thin skin.
- I relish the fact that bandages will always ketchup to me if I get hurt.
- Bandages cover up more than just injuries—they also cover up bad tattoos.
- Bandages: Because getting skin ripped is a tearable experience.
- I wanted to make a joke about bandages but it’s kind of a stretch.
- Sweat keeps dripping into my eyes when I work out but at least the bandages soak it up.
- Don’t worry if you scrape yourself while cooking, there’s always bandages in the spice cupboard!
Best Bandage Jokes
- Last week at work, my co-worker Bill gashed his hand open on a piece of machinery. Blood was everywhere. My boss yelled “Quick, someone get the first aid kit!” I grabbed the kit and patched Bill up with gauze and bandages. He looked at me gratefully and said “Thanks man, you really saved my skin there!”
Later, I went back to my desk and noticed a message from my boss asking for the first aid expense report. Still pumped up from my emergency rescue, I wrote back “No problem, I got Bill!” I never heard back from my boss, and now Bill keeps avoiding me in the halls.
- I was out taking a walk when I saw my neighbor Lucy fall off her bike and scrape her knee badly on the concrete. She was crying and yelling “I need a bandage!” I ran over to help. I carefully cleaned the wound with some bottled water I had and bandaged her knee the best I could.
“Is that better sweetie?” I asked gently. Lucy looked up at me with her big blue eyes still wet with tears. “Hell no!” she snapped. “I needed a bandage for my violin! I’m late for my lessons!” Then she grabbed her bike and rode off down the street.
- My three year old son Tommy loves to dress up as a mummy by wrapping himself in bandages. Yesterday he was playing mummy and got all tangled up. As he hopped around pretending to be an ancient Egyptian, he lost his balance and fell right into the fish tank!
I rushed over, heart pounding, and pulled the dripping wet “mummy” out of the tank. As I peeled the soggy bandages off him one by one, our cat jumped up on the tank stand. Looking down at the mess of wet bandages covering the room, the cat just shook his head. “Cats have nine lives…but that seems a bit excessive.”
- Yesterday my friend Alan showed up wearing head to toe medical bandages like a mummy. He said he had a terrible accident. “What happened??” I asked, horrified. “Did you get burned? Are you hiding scars?”
“No no,” Alan chuckled. “I just joined a new gym across town yesterday. The membership contract had a huge initiation fee so I decided to sign up as ‘Alan Dages’…get it? Wrap it up in bandages? That way the photo on my membership card doesn’t reveal my true identity.”
I just stared at him. “You bought a GYM MEMBERSHIP…under a fake mummified identity…just to avoid some signup fees???” Alan shrugged. “Seemed like the logical next step after trying out the free guest pass.”
- When my wife said she was leaving me for a mummy, I have to admit I felt a little insecure at first. After all, he’s covered head to toe in bandages. But I guess she’s just attracted to guys who are well wrapped.
- Working in the ER, you see all sorts of gruesome injuries. But nothing haunts me more than the “Grape Lady” incident last year. A very obese woman was brought in whining about her “booboos”—which turned out to be multiple paper cut-like wounds all over her body oozing blood and pus.
As I gingerly helped bandage her up, she demanded to know if her “boo boos” would leave scars that would ruin her bikini body. I tried not to laugh and reassured her she’d heal fine. She then made me apply 395 purple Hello Kitty bandages while she ate an entire bag of grapes brought by her husband.
When he tried to help button her shirt back up, she threw the empty grape bag at him in a rage screaming “You did this to me Norman!” Then she stormed out in a grape-scented fury, leaving a Hansel and Gretel style trail of juices and broken cookies. We still tell “Grape Lady” stories anytime someone difficult comes into the ER.
- My teenage son was super clumsy and always getting hurt playing sports. By senior year, we finally made him keep a pack of bandages in his basketball shorts pocket. Sure enough, a few minutes into a big game, he took a bad fall and needed a bandage quick.
As he sat on the bench patching himself up, a kid from the other team leaned over with a sympathetic smile. “Don’t feel too bad man, those falls look nasty! You ok?” My son gave him a blank stare and held up his bandage. “I literally have this on me at all times now…” The other kid’s eyes went wide at seeing the bandage proudly on display. Then my son turned away and limped back onto the court without another word!
- Little Susie loved playing mummy with all her art supplies and crepe paper. One night at dinner, she excitedly told me she had wrapped the cat Lola head to tail in paper bandages and ribbons to look like an Egyptian queen. Then she left Lola wrapped up asleep on her bed.
Trying not to react, I explained calmly that kitties can’t unwrap themselves when they wake up scared. We rushed upstairs and found Lola rolled halfway under the bed, stiff as a board and growling in a mixture of rage and panic. As I carefully snipped Lola free, Susie cried “But I made her so beautiful and wanted to see her eyes light up when she saw herself as Cleocatra!” Lola responded by shredding Susie’s stuffed animals and knocking every bottle off her dresser before storming off.
- Yesterday my four year old niece Amanda was playing in the hallway when she tripped on a toy and got a nasty rug burn on her knee. Screaming in pain, little Amanda cried out “Uncle Paul, I need a fucking bandage!” My jaw hit the floor — I had no idea she even knew that word! Trying to stay composed, I cleaned up her knee and gently explained: “Amanda, sweetie, that’s not a very nice word. We need to use kind words.” Nodding bravely, Amanda replied “You’re right…Uncle Paul, I need a darn bandage please!” Well, close enough!
- The other night my wife and I were getting busy in the bedroom when suddenly the headboard came loose and tipped over, knocking me unconscious! I came to a few minutes later to see my mortified wife frantically trying to patch up my bleeding head wound with Spiderman bandages. Through mouthfuls of blood and possible missing teeth, I tried reassuring her, “It’s ok hon, accidents happen!” But she just wailed “I’m so sorry! Our love life already lacked passion, and now our literal bedroom antics are killing you!”
I hope you enjoyed these 41 funny bandage jokes! Let me know if you’d like me to write any other humor listicles for you.
