Australia Puns (12)
1. I heard a new restaurant opened up in Sydney that serves food inspired by different countries. It’s called Global Cuisine Down Under.
2. My friend got lost while hiking in the Outback. I told him not to worry because everything will be all Koala.
3. I entered a pun contest in Perth but sadly, no pun in ten did.
4. Did you hear about the shrimp that moved to Australia and became a professional boxer? They called him the Prawn Pacquiao.
5. Why don’t spiders stick to toilet seats in Australia? Because they’re always down under!
6. Why did the kangaroo leave the party early? He had to get to hop.
7. Why are Australians so good at hula hooping? They’ve had lots of practice keeping their Hoops Down Under.
8. Did you hear about the boomerang competition in Brisbane? It went back and forth for hours.
9. Why did the koala get kicked out of school? He kept koalafying the tests.
10. The Great Barrier Reef asked the coral: “Want to catch a movie tonight?” The coral replied “Sorry, but I’m not reef-y yet.”
11. Why are Australians always healthy? Because they get their daily vitamins and mate.
12. I wanted to experience fine dining in Australia, but the only restaurant I could find served Outback Steak.
Australia One-Liners (15)
13. I threw a boomerang a few years ago and now I live in constant fear.
14. Kangaroo Court? No, that’s just how they settle disputes down under.
15. They call it the outback because it’s way out back of where everyone else lives.
16. Be careful if you visit the Great Barrier Reef, there are coral snakes everywhere!
17. Forget Shrimp on the Barbie, how about BBQ Crocodile?
18. In Australia, you don’t need a criminal lawyer, just a criminal parrot.
19. Australia: Where even the cute animals can kill you.
20. Australia is just Texas if it were an island.
21. In Australia, men put shrimp on the barbie. In Soviet Russia, barbie puts you on the shrimp!
22. Q: How do you circumcise a redneck? A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
23. Everything in Australia seems upside down to the rest of the world.
24. If Australians find fossil fuels, they’re coal discoveries!
25. A dingo ate my baby! And my picnic basket. And my hat. They’re a menace!
26. G’day mate! Let’s put another shrimp on the barbie!
27. In Australia, you can find kangaroos, koalas, and deadly spiders – it’s the land down under and overkill!
Best Australia Jokes (8)
28. One day an Aussie was enjoying a beer at the pub when a tourist came up and asked him to describe Australia in one word. The Aussie said, “Mate.” The tourist asked him to describe Australia in two words. “Not mate,” he replied.
29. An American tourist was driving through the Australian outback when he saw a farmer having sex with a sheep. He was horrified and went to the local police station to report it. “No worries, mate,” said the sergeant. “We get that all the time. Tell you what – if you can recite the alphabet backwards in under ten seconds, I’ll arrest the farmer.” The tourist gave it his best shot but failed miserably. As he was walking out, he saw the sergeant heading out in a hurry. “Hey, where are you going?” asked the tourist. “I’m off to arrest that farmer!” replied the sergeant. “I thought I had to recite the alphabet backwards first?” The sergeant grinned and said “That’s right, mate. Did you think I could do it?”
30. An Australian man was stranded in the bush and was preparing to die. He wrote out his will and left all his earthly possessions to his two best friends – Bruce and Bill – half to each of them. Then he died. The next day, the article about his will was read in the newspaper. It said that he had left half his belongings to his best mate Bruce and the other half to his best mate Bilbo.
31. A tourist in Australia goes to the washroom and starts taking a pee. He notices a tiny, tiny man in the urinal next to him. The tiny man just stands there staring at the tourist’s penis. The tourist finishes and starts to leave when the little man cries out in a squeaky voice “You call THAT a penis? Ha! I’ve seen bigger things hanging off a budgie!” The tourist zips up and storms out but then returns to the urinal. He whips it out again and shouts “Yeah, well what about this then?” And the tiny man says “Oooh, look at the huge brain on you!”
32. An Aussie guy is drinking in a bar in Texas when a local says to him, “You call that a knife? This is a knife!” and pulls out a dagger, laying it on the table. The Aussie says, “That’s not a knife, mate. This is a knife!” and lays an even bigger blade next to it. As the local stares in amazement, a cowboy comes up and says “You call that a knife?” Before the Aussie can reply, the cowboy slices the table in two with a gigantic machete and says, “That’s a knife!” A short silence follows. The Aussie then says “Fair dinkum, mate! But I can’t be trumped on this: that’s not a knife,” and nods to the Texan’s belt buckle.
33. An Aussie guy named JimBob is getting married. His cousin Darryl says “Crikey JimBob, how will ye’ know if she’s a virgin?” JimBob says “Darryl my boy, if it’s red rooster one day and featherless the next, she ain’t no virgin.”
34. Why are koalas so dirty? They don’t have any koalafications.
35. Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
36. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
37. I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
