Atlas Puns
1. I heard Atlas was feeling overworked and stressed. I guess the weight of the world was really bearing down on him.
2. Atlas tried picking up yoga but just couldn’t seem to find his center while holding up the world.
3. Atlas decided to go to the chiropractor, but it was impossible for the doc to give adjustments when Atlas had the whole world on his shoulders!
4. Atlas was feeling sore after a long day of celestial labor. He said to me, “Man, I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders – literally!”
5. Atlas went to the gym to try and strengthen his back and shoulder muscles. But it’s hard to properly work out when you’re doing reps with the entire planet!
6. I told Atlas, “Hey man, you look exhausted. Maybe you should take a load off!” Atlas just shrugged – tough to rest easy with the world on your back!
7. Atlas walked into a fortuneteller’s shop and asked what his future held. The psychic took one look and said, “Pretty cloudy – with a 100% chance of back pain.”
8. Atlas decided to book a massage to relieve some tension, but the masseuse took one look at his rock-burdened frame and said, “Uh, I don’t think I can work out those knots…”
9. Atlas went to the doctor about his chronic back pain. The doc took an x-ray and said, “Yep, just as I suspected – it’s the weight of the world crushing down on you.”
10. Atlas went hiking up a mountain but got tired halfway up. I said “Don’t give up now, you’re so close to the summit!” Atlas groaned, “Easy for you to say, you’re not carrying the weight of the world here!”
11. I saw Atlas with a huge globe balanced across his shoulders and asked what he was doing. He said, “Just doing some strength training – you know, deadlifts and shoulder presses…”
12. Atlas walked into a therapist’s office and said, “Doc, I’m feeling completely overwhelmed by the huge burden I’m carrying.” The therapist replied, “Yes, having the whole world on your shoulders must be incredibly stressful.”
Atlas One-Liners
13. Atlas always skipped leg day – he got plenty of lower body training just from standing up with the planet on his back!
14. They say “the sky’s the limit” – unless you’re Atlas, then your limit is literally the entire celestial sphere!
15. Atlas tried to play mini-golf but kept getting penalized for “grounding his celestial sphere” in the turf.
16. Atlas went stargazing but got frustrated because the stars he wanted to see were always behind the planet he was carrying.
17. Atlas entered a strongman competition but was disqualified for using an unauthorized weight – the Earth!
18. Atlas never has to work his core – just holding up the globe gives him a wicked six-pack!
19. Atlas always declines invites saying, “Wish I could make it, but I have a prior earth-gagement I can’t move.”
20. Atlas avoids beaches – one grain of sand gets in his eye and it’s game over for the world!
21. Atlas has the ultimate home gym – his set of dumbbells is the Earth and Moon!
22. Atlas knows all the best scenic outlooks – when you carry the world on your shoulders, every view is a vista!
Best Atlas Jokes
23. One day Atlas complained to Zeus saying, “I’m exhausted! Carrying the celestial spheres day in and day out is killing my back!”
Zeus replied, “Hey, if you don’t like it, you can take it up with me!”
Atlas groaned, “Great, one more thing I have to take up…”
24. Atlas was chilling on the couch watching TV after a long day of cosmic labor.
His wife came in and said, “Hey hun, could you take out the trash please?”
Atlas wearily got up, picked up the garbage bag and staggered slowly out the door, mumbling “the weight of the world’s not enough, now I gotta do chores too…”
25. Atlas was complaining about his nonstop burden to his friend Hercules one day.
Hercules, feeling sympathetic, said “Hey buddy, tell you what – why don’t you take a break for a bit? I’ll hold up the heavens for you while you rest.”
Atlas gratefully handed over the celestial sphere and laid down in the soft grass. Ahhhh sweet relief!
A couple hours later Hercules said, “Hey Atlas my man, I gotta get going. Time to take this world back.”
But Atlas pretended to snore loudly. Hercules smiled and shook his head – even heroes get duped now and then!
26. One day Zeus summoned Atlas and said, “Listen, we need to talk about getting you some help with your whole ‘carrying the heavens’ thing. It’s just not reasonable for one man to bear that burden alone. Let’s get you an assistant!”
Atlas grumbled, “Oh sure, now you tell me, after aeons of solo celestial suffering!”
Zeus replied, “Okay drama king, relax. I’m hiring Hermes to help you out. He’s strong, reliable, has good upper back strength…”
Atlas said, “Oh so you’re saddling me with the messenger boy? What’s he gonna do, deliver me from my agony? I need someone who can actually shoulder some of the literal weight of the spheres, not just the metaphorical!”
But a week later Atlas had to admit – having Hermes around really eased the load. Two pairs of shoulders were definitely better than one when it came to bearing the heavens!
27. One day Atlas’s daughter Helle came home crying from school.
“What’s wrong sweetie?” Atlas asked.
“The kids at school keep making fun of me because of my dad’s job,” she said. “Timmy even said I should go live in Antarctica with the other social outcasts!”
Atlas shook his head angrily. “Now listen here – you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your old man’s work may be obscure, but it’s important. I mean, imagine if I stopped supporting the celestial spheres! Complete chaos. So keep your head high, and remember – not everyone can be tasked with carrying the weight of the world like your pops!”
Helle smiled through teary eyes and gave her dad a big hug (though she had to crane her neck a bit to reach around the globe perched on his shoulders).
28. One evening Atlas’s wife Aethra said, “Honey, let’s go out stargazing tonight. I’ll make us a romantic picnic dinner, we’ll recline in the meadow and gaze at the heavenly spheres…doesn’t that sound lovely?”
Atlas grimaced, “Eh, I dunno darling. Kinda feels like just more work to me.”
Aethra pleaded, “Oh come now dear, surely you can appreciate the celestial spheres’ beauty, even if you do carry their burden daily?”
“I suppose you’re right,” Atlas sighed. “Some wine and time with my love would do me good.”
That night, for the first time in eons, Atlas saw the twinkling cosmos as more than a wearying weight – but as wondrous works of art.
29. One day Atlas’s son Hyas came home from adventuring and said, “Father, I met the most fascinating man today! His name is Copernicus and he had the craziest ideas about the motion of the celestial spheres!”
Atlas chuckled, “Oh yes, I’ve heard of old Copernicus. Very clever mortal – but completely mistaken! He goes on about the Earth orbiting the Sun, when it’s plain as day that the whole cosmos revolves around our planet. Why, I have the celestial sphere right here on my shoulders – you can’t get a better vantage point than that!”
Hyas nodded, “Yes father, I supposed you’re right. Still, interesting food for thought!”
Little did Atlas know, Copernicus’ wild theories would soon shake the heavens and reshape mankind’s place in the cosmos. The Titan’s burden was destined to feel much lighter in centuries to come!
30. One morning Atlas woke up with searing pain in his shoulders and back. Oh no, had his endurance finally failed after so many eons holding up the sky?
He struggled to get up, every muscle screaming in agony. This was it – the celestial spheres would come crashing down!
But as Atlas slowly shuffled to the window holding his back, he saw the problem – overnight, some rascal had stacked boulders atop the globe on his shoulders, like adding extra plates to a strongman’s barbell.
Atlas bellowed in rage. “Alright, who’s the wise guy? Hermes? Prometheus? When I get my hands on you…”
The gods chuckled from Mount Olympus. Even immortal Titans weren’t immune to a good old fashioned prank now and then!
More Atlas Jokes
31. Why did Atlas have a bad crick in his neck?
Because he was always stuck looking up at the world!
32. How did Atlas prepare for shoulder day at the gym?
He didn’t have to – he was already pressing the Earth!
33. What’s Atlas’s favorite constellation?
The Little Dipper – anything bigger might tip off his world-globe!
34. Why was Atlas always grumpy and sore in the mornings?
He got up on the wrong side of the planet!
35. Why did Atlas keep a globe in every room of his house?
So he’d feel at home wherever he was!
36. How does Atlas relax on his days off?
By taking a nice long soak in a hot tub…of lava! As a Titan, fire feels like a spa day!
37. What’s Atlas’s ideal vacation spot?
Anywhere flat. He avoids mountains – too risky for his delicate celestial cargo!
38. How does Atlas prepare for a big move?
Lots of shoulder stretches and warmup lifts. Don’t want to pull a muscle holding up the world!
39. Why did Atlas make a lousy quarterback?
He did great with overhead passes but always got sacked by the weight of the world!
40. Why was Atlas so good at holding difficult yoga poses?
After you’ve supported the heavens for eons, downward dog is a breeze!
41. Why didn’t Atlas ever win any strongman competitions?
All the events were too easy after pressing the Earth day in and day out!
42. Why was Atlas always sweating, even in cold weather?
Hey, you try carrying the thermal mass of an entire planet and see if you don’t work up a sweat!
43. How did Atlas know it was time to do laundry?
When the celestial spheres started smelling celestial!
44. Why did Atlas make a great geology professor?
He had plenty of firsthand experience with Earth’s crust!
45. How did Atlas get in shape for his celestial assignment?
Lots of overhead presses – starting with dumbbells, then small boulders, then minor planets like Pluto, working his way up!
46. Why was Atlas still ripped even after retiring from holding up the world?
After training with a planet for so long, even light dumbbells provided a killer workout!
47. Why did Atlas make a great astronomer?
He had the best seat in the house to observe the heavens!
48. How did Atlas like to relax after a long day on celestial duty?
By getting crushed under the weight of giant boulders – it felt light as a feather compared to the planet!
49. Why did Atlas make a great meteorologist?
He could personally monitor all the Earth’s atmospheric conditions from pole to pole!
50. Why was Atlas the ultimate absent-minded professor?
He literally always had his head in the clouds!
51. How did Atlas train for his first strongman competition after retiring from cosmic duty?
He started small – with pickup trucks and buses, working his way up to locomotives and ocean liners before tackling mountains and small moons. After holding the Earth for eons, it took a while before anything felt heavy!
52. Why did Atlas make an ideal personal trainer?
Because he wouldn’t let you shrug anything off – not even the weight of the world!