Amish Puns
1. Why don’t Amish kids play video games? They prefer more analog entertainment.
2. Why don’t Amish people waterski? They don’t want to connect to the grid.
3. Why don’t Amish couples go to the movies? They prefer to Netflix and chill on the farm instead.
4. Did you hear about the Amish electrician? He charges current prices.
5. Why don’t Amish kids believe in Santa? Because they don’t believe in flying reindeer.
6. Why was the Amish woman fired from her job at the candle factory? She refused to work after dark.
7. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth? A mechanic.
8. Why don’t Amish people play chess? They don’t like anything with kings and queens.
9. What do Amish kids get for dessert? Plain cake.
10. Why can’t you borrow money from an Amish person? They avoid interest.
11. What do Amish kids get in trouble for? Buggying their parents.
12. Why don’t Amish couples sleep in separate beds? They prefer to sleep with a partition between them.
Amish One-Liners
13. I took an Uber to an Amish farm. It was a one star experience.
14. Amish romance novels: boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy marries girl.
15. Amish online dating: Swipe left on all pictures of electrical outlets.
16. Amish streaming service: Butter Churn+.
17. Amish relationship advice: If you like it then you shoulda put a bonnet on it.
18. Amish pick up line: I don’t have a phone, but I can give you my mailing address.
19. Amish sexting: I shall unbraid mine hair for thee.
20. Amish breakup line: I think we should see other cousins.
21. Amish midlife crisis: You know, I’ve always wanted to try a motorized scooter.
22. Amish small talk: How about this weather we’re having, with no technology to predict it?
Best Amish Jokes
23. An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that moved apart and then slid back together again. The boy asked his father, “What is this, father?” The father responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.” While the boy and his father watched in amazement, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, “Go get your mother.”
24. An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to the mother, “My hands are freezing cold.” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.” The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, “My hands are freezing cold.” The daughter replied, “Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.” He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, “My nose is cold.” The daughter replied, “Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.” He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the daughter was again driving with her boyfriend and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.” The daughter replied, “Oh, dear. Put it between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm it up.” He did and his penis thawed out. The next day, the daughter was driving with her mother again and she said, “Have you heard the news?” The amused mother said, “Well tell me what the gossip is.” The daughter replied, “Great news, mother. Yesterday, the Thaw of the Frozen Schlong took place.”
25. Three Amish men drinking homemade whiskey suddenly died. The sheriff arrived to investigate the cause of death. After inspecting the bodies and surroundings, the sheriff deduced that the men had a fatal reaction to drinking horse liniment instead of whiskey by mistake. He reported back to the deputy that the men died from “the inability to differentiate Shinola from Shine-Ola.”
26. A newly married Amish couple was home alone for the first time. They had been discussing for weeks what they would do on their wedding night. The new Amish bride was a bit reluctant but her new husband finally convinced her to try something that his older brother told him about. She finally agreed and off they went to the bedroom. The husband is so excited and nervous he can’t get it up so he asks the bride if she will stand on her head, thinking the blood will rush to his groin area and help stimulate things. She reluctantly agrees. After standing on her head for five minutes, the newlywed Amish man still can’t achieve an erection. They decide to try laying with their head at opposite ends of the bed. After five more minutes, that doesn’t work either. Finally, in desperation, the new bride assumes the missionary position and her new groom whines, “Maybe we should have stuck with the milking stool!”
27. Did you hear about the dyslexic Amish woman who made twelve quilt tops before she finally finished her first snilt quep?
28. A group of Amish boys were playing basketball when one of them drove hard to the hoop for a layup. The other boys immediately stopped and scolded him. “Jeremiah!” they exclaimed. “No motors!”
29. An Amish woman’s stove stopped working so she called the repair man. He arrived and quickly realized the pilot light had gone out. He lit it and the stove started working again. The repairman handed the woman the bill. The woman protested, “But all you did was light the pilot light. That doesn’t cost $200!” The repairman replied, “Lady, lighting the pilot light is only $10. Knowing where to light it costs $190.”
30. Did you hear about the Amish electrician? He studied ohm school.
31. Why can’t Amish kids draw graffiti? They don’t have any spray cans.
32. Did you hear about the time an Amish fellow drank some O’Doul’s non-alcoholic beer? It was his rumspringa.
Amish Short Jokes
33. Thaddeus was an Amish boy who built a rocket-ship out of wood in his backyard. He excitedly showed it to his father, who stared at it a minute before saying “Thaddeus, get rid of that thing before someone sees it.”
34. Reuben was an Amish boy who loved toys even though he wasn’t supposed to have them. His favorite toy was a small replica of a British soldier he kept hidden under the floorboards in his room. Every night when Reuben went to bed, he’d pull out his toy soldier and pretend they were fighting the Revolutionary War together against the evil British. This went on for weeks until one night, Reuben’s father came into the room and caught Reuben playing with the forbidden toy soldier. Reuben’s father scolded him harshly, then grabbed the toy soldier and snapped its head off while Reuben watched in horror. As Reuben’s father left the room, Reuben heard him mutter angrily under his breath: “There will be no more Revolution in this house!”
35. Ezekiel was an ambitious Amish teenager who dreamed of becoming a doctor, even though advanced education was forbidden in his community. After months of begging, Ezekiel convinced the town bishop to let him apprentice with the local doctor who took care of basic medical needs. Ezekiel demonstrated such skill and passion for medicine that the elderly doctor himself lobbied the bishop on Ezekiel’s behalf to allow the young man to leave the community to attend medical school. One day, Ezekiel came home and excitedly told his parents that the bishop had finally relented and he would be allowed to enroll in medical school in the Fall! His mother dropped the dish she had been drying, and his father solemnly shook his head and said: “No son of mine will ever take the Hypocritical Oath.”
36. Sadie was an adventurous Amish girl who loved exploring the countryside around her village. One particularly fine summer day, Sadie packed a picnic lunch and set off alone down the dirt road on an epic journey. As dusk approached, Sadie realized with a jolt of horror that she was lost. Nervously glancing around the unfamiliar landscape, she noticed a power line arcing in the distance. With a sigh of relief, Sadie gathered her petticoats and whispered: “Thank goodness for Englisher technology!” Following the power line, she soon found her way safely home.
37. Levi was a mischievous Amish boy who loved practical jokes. One night at a barn raising, Levi snuck into the outhouse while his friend Amos was using it and tipped it over with Amos inside! Poor Amos was covered in filth and everyone laughed uproariously, except Amos who chased after Levi in a rage. Levi dashed into the farmhouse with Amos close behind, sprinted up the stairs, and locked himself in an upstairs room. Levi laughed thinking he was safe, until Amos burst through the door wielding an axe and shouted: “Come out and face thy doomsday, Levi!”
38. Samuel was a kindly Amish grandfather who enjoyed whittling wooden toys for his grandchildren in his wood shop. One Christmas, Samuel decided to make a wooden rocking horse as a special gift. He worked for weeks painstakingly carving and sanding the horse until it was a marvelous work of art. On Christmas morning, Samuel eagerly presented the wooden horse to his wide-eyed grandchildren. The children thanked him politely, then ran to play video games on their phones, leaving Samuel and his beautiful hand-carved gift alone in the living room. With a sad sigh, Samuel realized the children’s world was changing in ways this old Amish man would never understand.
39. Rebecca was a headstrong Amish teenager who had no interest in joining the church and following the traditional Amish way of life. She secretly befriended English outsiders, read forbidden books, and dreamed of experiencing the wider world beyond her restrictive community. The day after her 18th birthday when Rebecca would have to decide whether to be baptized into the church, she packed a small bag and left a note begging forgiveness from her heartbroken parents. Rebecca made her way to the nearest city and integrated herself into modern American society. Though she finally felt free, Rebecca would spend the rest of her life missing the sense of community, tradition, and purpose she had known since childhood among the Amish.
40. Ezekiel was a fun-loving Amish boy who snuck an old discarded telephone into his family’s barn to secretly call his friend Aaron. The boys would chat endlessly about everything happening in their small community, giggling over the latest harmless gossip. One night Ezekiel’s father overheard the muffled sound of his son’s voice coming from the barn well past bedtime. He burst in furiously and discovered the contraband telephone. Without a word, Ezekiel’s father yanked his son by the ear back to the house where he received a stern lecture about the evils of Englisher technology corrupting Amish youth. Ezekiel never spoke a word to Aaron on the telephone again.
Amish Short Jokes Continued
41. Naomi was an artistic Amish teenager with dreams of becoming a professional painter, which was an unlikely ambition for an Amish woman. She would secretly painting landscapes of the beautiful countryside using borrowed paints and canvases. One afternoon, her father discovered her cache of artwork in the family barn. Furious at Naomi’s impractical passion, he made her watch as he built a bonfire and burned every painting she had lovingly created. With tears streaming down her face, Naomi was forced to recite Bible verses about vanity as the flames consumed her dreams.
42. Jeremiah was an Amish boy who loved reading adventure stories by secret flashlight under the bedcovers at night. One evening, his mother caught him reading Tom Sawyer instead of sleeping. Horrified to see her son reading forbidden English literature, she scolded him harshly and made Jeremiah light the contraband book on fire with a candle as punishment for his rebellious curiosity. As the book went up in flames, a distraught Jeremiah thought he saw a glint of wistfulness in his mother’s eyes at the loss of a beloved childhood story from her own youth.
43. Reuben was a rambunctious Amish boy who snuck an old discarded bicycle out of the dump and fixed it up in secret. He would take thrilling rides around the village at night under the cover of darkness. One evening Reuben lost control of the bike and crashed into the barn across from the bishop’s house. The bishop stormed outside and scolded Reuben severely for riding the forbidden bicycle. Then, as Reuben watched crestfallen, the bishop had Reuben’s father take an axe to the bicycle until it was irreparably destroyed. Reuben never rode a bike again.
44. Hannah was an artistic young Amish woman who dreamed of studying photography, a taboo pursuit in her conservative community. She secretly assembled a homemade pinhole camera in her hope chest and took breathtaking photographs of her family, Amish village, and surrounding countryside that seemed to capture the soul of their way of life. When Hannah’s stash of stunning photographs was discovered by the deacon one day, he declared her hobby a violation of the “graven image” rule. As punishment, Hannah had to ritually burn all her beautiful photographs in the yard while her horrified family watched.
45. Levi was a rambunctious Amish boy who loved playing innocent pranks on his friends around the village. One night, Levi snuck into a neighbor’s farmstead and rearranged their buggies and farm equipment as a silly joke. The next morning, Levi giggled to himself while he watched the chaos that ensued as his neighbors discovered Levi’s handiwork. But Levi’s smile soon faded when his father learned what he had done and sternly made Levi go apologize and put everything back exactly as he found it. Levi grudgingly re-hitched the horses and restored order to his neighbor’s barn, but he never played a prank in the village again.
46. Samuel was an Amish man who enjoyed restoring antique furniture in his workshop. He secretly coveted an expensive new electric wood lathe, as his hand-cranked lathe was old-fashioned and inefficient. One day Samuel spotted a newspaper ad for a used electric lathe at an affordable price. He snuck away and bought the modern lathe, hiding it in his shop. Late that night, Samuel eagerly set up the electric lathe and marveled at the smooth, fast cuts it made. But suddenly he heard footsteps, and looked up in horror to see his elderly father frowning at the forbidden machine. Without a word, his father yanked out the power cord, picked up a hammer, and smashed the electric lathe to pieces right in front of the crestfallen Samuel.
47. Miriam was an imaginative Amish young woman who loved writing poetry in her secret diary as she tended the family’s fields. Her poems reflected on nature, faith, love and the simplicity of Amish life in evocative verse. One night while Miriam was at a church function, her mother found the diary, and confronted Miriam when she arrived home. Furious and ashamed at her daughter’s impractical scribblings, she made Miriam burn each page of the scribbled poems in the wood stove as Miriam begged her to reconsider. As the fire consumed her beautiful words, Miriam vowed to lock her yearnings and dreams deep inside her heart from then on.
48. Aaron was a mischievous Amish boy who loved pulling pranks on his friends and family. His favorite trick was hiding in the buggy so he could jump out and startle whoever climbed in next. One day Aaron concealed himself in a buggy to surprise his sister, only to hear his stern father approach instead. His father reached his hand in to grab the reins and Aaron leapt up, eliciting a startled yell from his father who stumbled backwards. His father was so angry that he made Aaron chop wood for hours as punishment for the dangerous stunt. Aaron stayed well away from surprises after that.
49. Rebecca was fascinated by astronomy, despite the Amish teaching that the study of the heavens was prideful folly. At night, Rebecca would sneak outside under the stars with her telescope that she kept hidden in the barn. She spent countless magical hours gazing at planets and galaxies, her scientific mind filled with wonder and questions. One clear summer night, Rebecca’s brother saw the forbidden telescope in her hands. Wordlessly, he took the telescope and smashed it against a tree into a dozen pieces. Rebecca watched her dreams of understanding the cosmos shatter along with the telescope lens that glinted in the grass.
50. Samuel wanted to ask his sweetheart Katie to marry him, but as Amish custom required, he needed her father’s blessing first. Nervously, Samuel asked Katie’s father for permission to propose.
