Alcohol Puns (10)
1. I tried making whiskey using grapes, but it came out pretty wine.
2. The bartender asked if I wanted my beer in a frozen mug. I told him, “No, just beer it to me!”
3. Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to brew beer in his kitchen but brewed whiskey instead? The whole thing was distilling.
4. I entered my homemade beer in a competition but sadly didn’t win. I guess it needed more hops.
5. I was going to tell a vodka joke but decided not to because it didn’t have enough spirit.
6. What do you call someone who takes care of alcoholics? A wineo!
7. A hydrogen atom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.”
8. What do you call a drunk wizard? A whiskey wizard!
9. Did you hear about the shy and timid bottle of beer? He lacked hoppiness.
10. I entered a competition for home-brewed beer but didn’t win. I guess it needed more hops.
Alcohol One-Liners (10)
11. I was wondering why the beer was getting bigger, then it hit me.
12. Beer: Helping ugly people get laid since 3000 BC.
13. Save water – drink beer!
14. Beer mixed with tears: sadness on the rocks.
15. Beer: because one glass floor isn’t enough.
16. Today’s agenda: 1. Have a beer. 2. Repeat step 1.
17. Beer – the reason I get up every afternoon.
18. Alcohol: the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.
19. Dancing + Drinking = Stumbling
20. Beer before liquor, you’ll get drunk quicker. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.
Best Alcohol Jokes (30)
21. A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down on the bar, when he hears a high-pitched voice say, “Hey mister! Nice beer you got there!” He looks around confused but doesn’t see anything, so he takes another sip of beer. The voice says again, “Hey mister! I’m down here!” The man looks down and sees a frog sitting at his feet. The frog says, “Hey mister, if you kiss me I’ll turn into a beautiful princess!” The man looks at the frog for a moment before picking it up and putting it in his pocket. The frog yells, “Hey, what are you doing? I said you could kiss me!” The man replies, “Yeah I heard you, but I’m an alcoholic with talking hallucinations, not a necrophiliac!”
22. A cop pulls a guy over and suspects he’s been drinking. The cop asks the man, “Have you been drinking tonight sir?” The man replies, “Why yes officer, I’ve had a few drinks. In fact, I had one beer before I picked my wife up from church.” The cop says, “Oh really? And where is your wife now?” The man looks at his watch and says, “Probably about halfway home by now.”
23. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink with an extra $10 the man gave to the bartender. “Thanks,” said the bemused customer, “but why the extra $10?” The drunk replied “’cause my wife ran off with a cop seven years ago, and I thought you were him.”
24. A guy sits down at a bar and orders drink after drink. “Is everything okay, pal?” the bartender asks. “My wife left me for my best friend,” the guy says miserably. “Hey man, I’m sorry,” says the bartender. “If it makes you feel any better, the same thing happened to me a few years ago. It hurt at the time, but I eventually got over it.” The drunk shakes his head. “Nah, I’m starting to kind of miss him.”
25. A completely drunk man comes home late at night. He lurches through the doorway and runs right into his wife, knocking her down. They pick themselves up without a word. The man stumbles into the bedroom, slips off his shoes, and crashes onto the bed. Thirty seconds later, the wife limps into the room. She glares at him silently for a full minute, then yells, “ASSHOLE!” The drunk bolts upright in bed and screams, “WHAT?? YOU’VE BEEN TALKING TO MY MOTHER AGAIN??”
26. A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator and puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and says, “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my you-know-whats inside. He’ll close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my package unscathed. If he bites it off, I’ll pay for all your drinks for the rest of the night. So, who’s first?” The bar is silent, when a tiny little woman at the end of the bar volunteers. The man opens the alligator’s mouth, drops his pants, and places his privates inside. The alligator closes his mouth. After a tense minute, the alligator opens up, and the man reaches in and pulls out his unharmed manhood.
The crowd cheers wildly, and the man collects money for the drinks from everybody in the establishment. They all congratulate the woman. She’s sitting there with a microphone. “Bravo, miss!” they compliment. “You’ve got some pair of balls on you!” The woman replies, “Did you see the size of his? Why the hell would I put mine in there too!?”
27. A man and his wife go to a bar with their friends Pete and Jane. The man has a few too many drinks and loses his wife while going to the bathroom. He starts wandering around looking for her with no luck. He stumbles back to Pete and says “Hey Pete, have you seen my wife? I seem to have lost her.” Pete looks at the man with concern and says “No I haven’t, but my wife Jane went missing a while ago too.” The man thinks for a second and says “That’s odd – wait I think I just figured it out. Our wives must have switched places, your Jane is now my wife and my wife is now your Jane.” Pete looks even more concerned now and says “<man’s name>, I have some bad news for you – we don’t know anybody named Jane.”
28. A man rushes into a bar and orders 4 double shots of whiskey. The bartender pours and lines them up, and the man drinks them as fast as possible. He slams the last one down and says “Well that takes care of the first four, now for the other four!” The bartender looks confused and says “I’m sorry, did you want more?” The man replies “Oh I’m sorry, perhaps I should explain. You see, I have 8 brothers. And today is the day our father died 7 years ago.
29. A cop sees a drunken man intently crawling on the ground under a streetlight and asks him, “Sir, what are you looking for?” The drunk replies, “I lost my house keys.” The cop looks puzzled. “Then why are you searching here if you lost your keys over there?” The drunk points a shaking finger and says, “The light is better over here.”
30. A very drunk man staggers into an upscale bar full of businessmen and plops down on a bar stool. He points at the man sitting next to him and shouts, “Bartender! Buy that man a drink!” The bartender pours the drink and hands it to the startled man. The drunk then says, “And buy one for everyone here on me!” The bartender pours drinks for the whole bar. Bemused, the man next to him says, “Thank you for the drink, but why the show of generosity?” The drunk leans over and says in a loud whisper, “Today is my very first day as a tax auditor for the IRS, and this is my way of celebrating.”
31. A guy walks into a bar absolutely hammered drunk, barely makes it onto the barstool, slurs to the bartender, “I’ll have a beer!” The bartender shakes his head, pours a glass of water and sets it in front of the guy. The drunk glares at it for a minute, picks up the water and dumps it on the floor, slurring angrily again, “I said I wanted a beer!” Bartender dumps out two more glasses of water, drunk dumps them out too. Finally the bartender fills it a fourth time and says forcefully “NOW drink it and don’t waste my time again!” The drunk shrinks a little at the bartender’s tone, squeaks out an “Okay.” He takes a tiny sip and immediately falls off the stool passed out cold. The bartender peers down at his unconscious form and deadpans, “That’s four dollars.”
32. A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. After taking the shot, he shakes his head in disappointment and loudly exclaims, “All bars serve terrible whiskey shots these days!” The bartender looks offended and replies, “Hey! That’s a top shelf whiskey you just drank. It’s the best in this part of town.” The man laughs and says, “I’m just messing with you. But it did help prove my point that when I drink, it makes every bar have terrible shots.”
33. A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me six shots of vodka.” The bartender lines them up and watches the man down them all quickly. He signals for another round and the bartender obliges. After slamming these back, he says, “Ok, give me 6 rum shots this time.” The bartender is hesitant but serves up the rum shots, which the man also rapidly consumes. “Alright,” the man says, “6 gin shots now.” At this point the bartender has had enough. He tells the man, “Look buddy, I think you’ve had enough for one night. Why don’t you call a cab?” The man looks at the bartender in bewilderment and says, “Why would I need a cab? Tonight I’m the designated decoy!”
34. A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he notices the man eyeing him curiously. “Anything wrong?” the bartender asks. “Well, to be honest, I couldn’t help noticing that when you set down my beer, your balls clinked against the glass,” the man replies. The bartender is taken aback – he wasn’t expecting such a personal observation from a customer. But not wanting to seem out of sorts, he calmly responds, “Oh that. They’re made of brass. I had them crafted special a few years ago. Here, feel em!” He lifts himself onto the bar so the man can examine his special, custom-made brass balls. The man reaches out and cups them in his hands. Then he gives them a little tap with his fingers. “Wow, those are really something!” he remarks. Just then, a man cries out from the other end of the bar, “Hey! Quit playing with the bartender’s balls, will ya?? Some of us are trying to drink in peace!”
35. A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender is surprised since he’s never served a horse before but serves him a beer anyway. The horse drinks it and quietly leaves. The same thing happens every night for 2 weeks straight – the horse comes in every night and orders one beer then leaves without saying a word. Finally after 2 weeks the bartender’s curiosity gets the best of him. He says, “You know, I don’t mean to pry but I’m curious – why do you come here every night and only order one beer?” The horse replies, “I’m an alcoholic trying to quit.”
36. A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 7 shots of whiskey. The bartender does so, and the guy downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and says to the bartender, “I bet you $50 I can bite my own eye.” The bartender, thinking it’s impossible, agrees to the bet. The guy pops out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender angrily gives the man his $50. The guy then says, “I bet you another $50 I can bite my other eye.” Thinking the guy can’t possibly have two glass eyes, the bartender accepts. The man bites his other eye and the bartender, now knowing he’s been had, gives the man his $50. Then the guy says, “Thanks! Now I have the money to pay for my drinks. I’ll take 7 more shots please!”
37. A man walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sits down next to another man and sets the ducks in front of him. The other man looks confused, so the man with the ducks says, “Watch this!” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. He holds the flame under the butt of one of the ducks, and it begins jumping up and down. “Hot hot hot hot hot!” The duck quacks. He moves the lighter over to the next duck. “Hot hot hot hot hot!” It also jumps around quacking. Then he takes the lighter to the last duck, but this time that duck jumps up, grabs the lighter in its mouth, and flies out an open window. The man calmly pulls another lighter out of his pocket, lights a cigarette, and takes a long drag. “Yeah,” he says, “that third one’s a little retarded.”
38. A man walks into a bar and orders a double martini. As the bartender sets it down, the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny piano player. He sets them down on the bar, and the piano player starts playing tunes on the tiny piano. “That’s amazing!” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?” The man replies, “There’s this antique shop with a magic genie lamp, and he granted me one wish. My wish was that I could have a tiny piano player who would perform anywhere I wanted.” The bartender says, “That’s fantastic! Can I make a wish too?” The man says, “Sure, I actually got three wishes. Here’s the lamp.” So the bartender rubs the lamp, and the genie appears. “I wish I had a million bucks!” says the bartender. Instantly the bar is filled with a million quacking ducks. “What the heck!?” the bartender exclaims. “Why didn’t I get the million bucks?” The piano player looks up from his piano and says, “You think I really wanted a 12-inch pianist?”
39. A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. “Wow, you must have had a rough day,” the bartender comments. The guy replies, “You have no idea! First, my alarm didn’t go off so I was late to work. The boss chewed me out for that. Then when I walked to my car, I found a parking ticket on it. Got to work and had back to back meetings which lasted right through lunch. Then my computer froze up and I got almost nothing done all afternoon. Left work only to get stuck in traffic for an hour. Got home and slipped on the front steps, bruising my leg. And on top of all that, when I opened the mail I got a notice from the IRS saying I’m being audited!” The bartender looks up and says, “There’s just one thing I don’t understand – why did you have to have a triple scotch if you’ve had such a bad day?” The guy snarls “What? You think I come here to celebrate!?”
40. A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender pours it and hands it over. As the man reaches for the shot glass, a tiny voice comes from inside his shirt pocket, “Don’t drink that! It’ll just make things worse!” The man looks around confused, not seeing where the voice came from. He shrugs and downs the shot anyway. The tiny voice again yells, “I told you not to do that! Have me out instead!” Bewildered, the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small green frog. “Was…was that you talking?” the man asks. The frog nods vigorously. “Yes! Listen, you don’t need that whiskey. Let’s get out of this place and figure out your life.” Amazed and speechless, the man puts the frog back in his pocket and walks out of the bar, leaving his drink behind. The bartender watches in astonishment and shouts, “Hey! Aren’t you gonna finish that?” The man shakes his head and says, “Nah, apparently I’m coming to my senses and getting my act together.”
41. A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of their finest single malt scotch. The bartender pours him the drink, and the man picks up the shot. As he’s about to drink it, the bartender yells, “Hey man, don’t drink that!” Confused, the man looks up and says, “Why not? You just poured it.” The bartender replies, “Yeah but it’s expired liquor. I haven’t replaced the 5-year-old scotch on the shelf yet.” The man laughs and says, “Well in that case…” and he downs the shot in one gulp. The bartender looks surprised and asks, “Wow, don’t you care that was old liquor?” “Nope,” the man grins, “Nothing gets
