Psychology Puns (12)
- I tried to make a joke about classical conditioning, but I just ended up pavlovian it.
- Freud was asked about his favorite drink. He replied, “I don’t recall any beverage in particular, but I’ve always had an unresolved id tea complex.”
- Did you hear about the new restaurant called Gestalt? Their motto is, “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.”
- I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. You could say I have finally cognitively restructured my thoughts.
- What do you call a psychologist who needs therapy? A patient!
- My friend got her PhD in Jungian psychology. I guess you could say she’s a professional dream analyst.
- I tried to tell my therapist a joke about denial, but she refused to believe me.
- What did the Freudian slip say? “Someone’s got the wrong idea about me!”
- Did you hear about the new psychological thriller movie? It looks Jung and restless.
- Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft? Classical conditioning.
- What do you call two psychologists? A paradox.
- I wanted to tell my counselor a joke about narcissism, but she kept interrupting to talk about herself.
Psychology One-Liners (15)
- I’m not in denial. I’m just selectively psychotic.
- Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
- Do I have issues? Yes, and they’re all back ordered.
- I started taking psychology classes to try to understand myself better. Now I know I’m crazy, I’m just not sure what kind of crazy I am.
- I majored in psychology so I could analyze people. Turns out I overanalyze myself more than anyone else.
- Don’t bother psychoanalyzing me. Even my therapist gave up.
- You know you’re a psychologist when half your conversations are with yourself.
- I practice retail therapy. I go shopping when my life is a mess.
- I used to have an identity crisis, but now I’m not so sure.
- I don’t have a type. I have issues.
- I took an inkblot test. The doctor said I’m obsessed with food. I don’t see it.
- I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
- I told my therapist I have suicidal tendencies. He said I have to start charging more.
- I’m not a bad person. I just have bad personality disorders.
- Do I need therapy? Probably. Do I want therapy? Absolutely not.
Best Psychology Jokes (16)
1. A Freudian psychoanalyst was lecturing when a heckler in the audience kept shouting “SEX! SEX!” The psychoanalyst asked why he felt so compelled to yell about sex. “Because I’m trying to annoy you!” the heckler shouted back. “Good answer” said the shrink. “Now, what is the clinical term we use for enjoyment in annoying others?” The heckler smiled slyly and said “Schadenfreude”. The psychoanalyst nodded approvingly. “Good, good. Now why are you experiencing schadenfreude at this precise moment?” The heckler thought for a minute then said “I must secretly feel inadequate and hostile.” The psychoanalyst said “Excellent! You seem to have a firm grasp on the clinical issues we’ve discussed in this lecture. I’d like to invite you to join our professional association.” The heckler shouted angrily “SCREW YOU!” To which the psychoanalyst replied, “Perfect!”
2. What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash? You get what you f**king deserve! Sorry, I got carried away. Too much Joker movie analysis in my classes this week.
3. My therapist told me I have trouble interpreting social cues. I said “Really? I had no idea!” He said yes, that’s exactly the problem.
4. I told my therapist about my suicidal ideation. He told me I obviously had low self-esteem and negative core beliefs about myself. I said, “No, I just have a realistic understanding of my own worthlessness and the pointlessness of existence.” He nodded and said, “Hmm, interesting perspective.”
5. How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
6. What’s the difference between a low self-esteem girl and a narcissist? The narcissist thinks “I’m so hot” when looking in the mirror, while the girl with low self-esteem thinks “I’m so not.”
7. I was telling my therapist about my chronic nightmares and he fell asleep! I guess my problems just aren’t very interesting.
8. I told my therapist I thought I might be OCD because I obsess over tiny details. He said “That’s not what OCD is.” I said, “Oh sorry, you’re right. I stand corrected.” He said “No problem.” I said, “But isn’t needing to stand corrected itself a form of obsessing over tiny details?” He said “Hmm, that’s an interesting observation.”
9. What’s the difference between a neurotic and a psychotic? The neurotic builds castles in the sky. The psychotic lives in them.
10. My therapist told me I was suffering from loss aversion bias. I refused to accept it.
11. A psychologist is giving a lecture about psychoanalysis to a large audience, when a beautiful woman wearing a tight mini skirt walks right in front of him. He stops mid-sentence and watches her walk all the way across the room, turning his head as she passes him by. When she exits the other side of the room, the psychologist snaps out of it and quickly turns back to the audience. “I’m sorry, where was I?” he asks. “You were at the point where you were still looking at the woman’s assets” someone shouts from the back row. “Ah yes,” replies the psychologist. “As I was saying, psychoanalysis clearly demonstrates…”
12. My psychologist told me I have OCD. I don’t think so, but just to be safe I’ve been counting my steps wherever I go and tapping door handles exactly 4 times before opening them. Oh, and I keep having to wash my hands because I don’t remember if I washed them an even number of times. But yeah, I’m sure I don’t really have OCD.
13. I told my counselor, “My life is all drama.” She responded, “Have you considered that you surround yourself with chaos to distract from painful repressed emotions?” I said, “Wow thanks, I’m cured now!” She said, “Unfortunately psychological issues can’t be resolved that easily. This is likely to be a lifelong journey of gradual improvement through insight and hard work.” I said, “Oh okay nevermind, things are hopeless.” She put her head in her hands and sighed.
14. What’s the difference between a psychologist and a neurologist? A neurologist pays more attention to your EEG, whereas a psychologist pays more attention to your BS.
15. I said to my therapist, “My wife thinks I’m passive aggressive.” He said, “I wonder why she would think that?” I said, “Yeah, me too, it’s so rude of her.”
16. How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis. I mean LADDER! One to hold the LADDER.