Chess Puns (10)
- I wanted to make a chess pun, but I was afraid it would just end in checkmate.
- What do you call a chess game between garden vegetables? Squash vs. kale mate.
- Why are castles the rudest chess pieces? They’re always rook-ing others.
- Did you hear about the chess grandmaster who got caught cheating? He was using ille-gal openings.
- My friend was obsessed with chess but had no one to play with. I told him to just play with himself to get a feel for the game.
- I entered my dog in a chess tournament, but he kept eating the pieces. I guess I should have realized that would happen when I taught him to play paw-n takes pawn.
- What did the chess master say when his opponent took his queen? “You won’t get a rook and bish-op me like that again!”
- Two chess boards got married. The reception was excellent but the chess-cake was stale.
- What do you call a bunch of chess pieces banging into each other? A rook-us po-kus.
- The queen tried to cut in front of the pawns in the buffet line. The pawns said “No shortcuts to food, your highness!”
Chess One-Liners (10)
- I’m not a great chess player, but I’m pretty good at connecting the dots.
- Chess is easy, just protect the king at all costs like he’s your oversensitive friend.
- I love playing chess – it really exercises my lateral thinking and strategies for castling my king.
- Chess teaches you foresight, hindsight, insight and how to prevent being in checkmate your whole life.
- Chess is a thinking man’s game, which is why I prefer checkers.
- I’m not saying I’m bad at chess, but my king is constantly asking the pawns for protection.
- Chess involves strategy, foresight and hindsight – everything that’s absent from my life.
- I’m decent at chess, although my playing style tends to be chaotic and aggressive – just like my regular personality.
- I love playing chess, because it’s the only place in life where you can be checkmated and it’s completely legal.
- Chess teaches you to strategize, but I still can’t figure out how to castle my king without losing my rook.
Best Chess Jokes (15)
21. I entered a local chess tournament but got eliminated in the first round. Apparently my unconventional opening move of yelling “Yahtzee!” and rolling dice onto the board is not allowed.
22. My chess opponent was trash talking me the whole game. When he put me in checkmate he shouted, “What’s wrong, scared of losing your king?” I replied, “Nope, I’m used to losing authority figures.”
23. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this more interesting!” So we played strip chess. Let’s just say I lost, but in a different way, I totally won.
24. I entered my dog in a chess tournament but it turned out dogs are terrible at chess. He just knocked all the pieces off the board and then peed on it. The judge said it was the worst case of chess piss-conduct he’d ever seen.
25. My chess coach told me I was spending too much time digging holes in the garden and not enough time studying chess strategy. But I told him a bad work-life pawn balance is important too.
26. I love playing chess before a date – it really helps break the ice. Of course my date usually leaves after I pull out the 12×12 giant chess set and make her dress up as a bishop.
27. I was losing badly at chess so I tipped over the board and yelled “Earthquake!” My opponent said “What are you doing??” I said “Oh sorry, I’m from California. I thought the proper response was to make a natural disaster.”
28. I recently achieved the world record for losing the most chess matches consecutively. My father cried tears of joy and said it was the proudest moment of his life. I’m 46 years old.
29. I joined Tinder hoping to find the perfect chess partner. But unfortunately, they only want pawns.
30. My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m obsessed with chess. I told her, “That’s checkmate on our relationship!” She just rolled her eyes and said, “That doesn’t even make sense…”
31. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “This time, we’re playing strip chess. Every time you lose a piece, you take off an item of clothing.” I was doing pretty well at first, but eventually I was down to just my underwear while he still had most of his clothes on. As he loudly declared “Checkmate!” I stood up, took off my underwear, looked him straight in the eye, and said “Looks like I won this game.” He refused to play strip chess with me after that.
32. What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.79, deer nuts are under a buck.
33. Did you hear about the chess player who got arrested for peeing on his opponent’s side of the board? He was charged with Brist-ol fashion displeasure.
34. My girlfriend asked me why I was reading a book about the history of chess openings. I told her it was to brush up on my skills before our big tournament this weekend. She said “You mean our wedding?” Oops.
35. I recently joined Chess Lovers Anonymous to curb my chess addiction. But it turns out it’s just a bunch of people enabling each other to play more chess. Their motto should be “You’ve got a friend in chess.”
