Weekend Puns
1. I’m really looking forward to the weekend. You could say I’m weekending for it.
2. What do you call someone who is obsessed with weekends? A weekfreak.
3. My friend got fired from his job as a calendar maker. I guess he took too many weekends off.
4. I asked my boss if I could have weekends off. He said, “Of course you can, as long as you don’t work here anymore.”
5. I was going to tell a weekend joke, but I decided to save it for after hours.
6. Did you hear about the angry weekend? It had a case of the Mondays.
7. What did the calendar say to the weekend? Don’t leave me!
8. What do you call a three-day weekend in Ireland? Dublin Fun.
9. Why couldn’t the calendar keep its weekends? It took too many days off.
10. Weekends for me are like rainbows after rain. I can finally see the light.
11. My weekends consist of two Ds: Drinking and Distractions.
12. I asked my magic 8 ball if I would enjoy my weekend. It said, “Ask again on Monday.”
13. What’s a vampire’s favorite part of the weekend? Fangover Saturday.
14. I’m so excited for the weekend I wet my plants.
15. This weekend I’m going to relax so hard I may even start decomposing.
Weekend One-Liners
16. Ah, weekends – when I get to trade rush hour for nap time.
17. The weekend is here. Time to let my brain decompress until Monday stretches it out again.
18. You know it’s going to be a good weekend when you cancel plans to stay home.
19. And on the 7th day, God created brunch and said “This is what weekends are all about.”
20. I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, it’s the weekend.
21. Fridays are great, but Saturdays are for the boys.
22. Every weekend needs an 80s movie marathon.
23. My weekends consist of 3 S’s: Sleep, Snacks and Streaming.
24. The hardest decision on weekends: Brunch or more sleep?
25. You can catch up on sleep during the week so you can stay up late on weekends.
26. A balanced diet on weekends is crucial. An equal amount of snacks and naps.
27. I don’t always do laundry on weekends, but when I do, I sit there and catch up on reality TV for 3 hours.
28. My perfect weekend includes cancelled plans and PJs all day.
29. I run out of clean clothes much faster on weekends.
30. My weekends always seem to consist of naps, Netflix and takeout.
Best Weekend Jokes
31. I was having a great weekend until I saw it was only Tuesday.
32. My friend got so drunk last weekend he thought he traveled back in time. He kept yelling, “I’m in the 90s!” until we realized he was just in the 1990s section of the bar.
33. I was going to tell a time travel joke but you guys didn’t like it.
34. My wife asked me to take her somewhere she’s never been before for the weekend. So I took her to the kitchen.
35. I recently found out I’m not very good at mad libs. But beer tasting and spa weekends really help me unwind from a ruff week!
36. My perfect weekend morning is waking up late, making a big breakfast, then crawling back into bed to eat it while watching cartoons.
37. Nothing ruins a weekend getaway like your funemployed friends calling to see what you’re up to.
38. My friend keep saying her weekend plans fell through. I told her to stop scheduling stuff on quicksand then!
39. I’m pretty excited about this three day weekend coming up. Not excited enough to know what day it is, but excited nonetheless.
40. My aunt was confused about daylight savings time so she showed up to Easter brunch bright and early on Saturday morning.
41. I recently asked Siri how to build a time machine so I could keep reliving my weekend. She said, “I don’t have enough time to explain that.” Clever bot!
42. I just got hired as a professional napper. I only work weekends.
43. My New Year’s resolution was to stop procrastinating. I’m gonna start tomorrow though, it’s the weekend.
44. I don’t mind Mondays. But that’s probably because my weekend starts on Tuesday.
45. My friend keeps saying she needs a vacation from her weekends. I told her that’s called a job!
46. I just found out the movie Back to the Future was supposed to be titled Spaceman Weekend but they figured no one would get it.
47. Someone asked me why I love weekends so much. I said, “They’re a great way to spend two days without making any plans.”
48. My weekends consist of binge watching shows I’ve already seen and eating leftovers.
49. You know you’ve had a good weekend when your facial expression on Sunday closely resembles the emoji with X’s for eyes.
50. I recently bought a groupon for skydiving lessons. Seemed liked a great deal but then I realized they’re only on weekdays. Back to my boring weekends!
51. My weekends always seem so short. I guess that’s just the weakend effect.
52. I’m seriously considering becoming a freelance worker for that sweet flexible schedule. And by flexible I mean weekends off.
53. My perfect weekend includes sitting around in PJs, staying up late, then stressing out Sunday night about the upcoming week.
54. I just found out that stress spelled backwards is desserts. This weekend’s looking up already!
55. My weekends always seem to fly by faster than a NASCAR race. Before I know it I’m back at work wondering what just happened.
56. I recently bought some noise cancelling headphones so I can tune everyone out on weekends and relax. They work great until someone starts poking me to get my attention.
57. This morning I saw a bird chirping outside my window at sunrise. And by bird I mean my alarm clock, and by sunrise I mean the middle of my peaceful weekend slumber.
58. My ideal weekend includes unlimited mimosas, bottomless brunch, mid-afternoon disco naps and junk food for dinner.
59. I’m so excited for tomorrow’s night out that I’m sure I’ll end up cancelling last minute. The weekend introvert struggle is real!
60. My weekend to-do list: Nothing at all. Mission accomplished!
61. Me: *Has big weekend plans*
Also me: *Chooses hoodie and leggings as Saturday daytime outfit*
62. Weekends always go by so fast. Can we just make every day a Saturday? I’ll allow a few Mondays thrown in to get stuff done.
63. I recently took a time management class. It was a total waste… didn’t even teach me how to make weekends last longer.
64. I finally cleaned my apartment this weekend! Granted I just shoved everything into the closet, but progress!
65. My favorite weekend activity is seeing how many episodes of a show I can binge watch before passing out at 3am.
66. You can tell how much I enjoyed a weekend by how many meals I skip on Monday to make up for all the food I ate.
67. I recently bought a hammock to relax in on weekends. Set up time: 3 hours. Actual time spent relaxing: 12 minutes.
68. My perfect weekend consists of books, naps, coffee and avoiding all responsibilities.
69. I just got a tattoo that says “TGIF” on my wrist so I always know when the weekend’s coming up.
70. This weekend’s goals: move as little as possible, stay in PJs, eat all snacks in the pantry, try not to sink into existential despair on Sunday evening.
71. Nothing makes me happier than canceling weekend plans and staying home in sweatpants.
72. My weekend was so relaxing I forgot what day it was at least 3 times.
73. Before weekends I’m always like “yes can’t wait to go out!” But then I get home on Friday and become an immediate homebody.
74. Me on weekends: “I’m gonna get up early and be so productive!”
Also me: Sleeps til noon both days.
75. Weekends go by so fast, we need to figure out how to harness dark matter to slow down time and make them last longer.
76. I got so little sleep this weekend I’m pretty sure I teleported through time to Monday.
77. My plans this weekend consist of avoiding all responsibilities and telling myself “I’ll do it tomorrow.”
78. TGIF – Time Goes Insanely Fast…where did my weekend go?!
79. My weekends are like my bank account, they disappear way faster than I expected.
80. Me on weekends: *sleeps til noon*
Also me on weekdays: “Ugh I’m so tired, I need more sleep!”
81. I just bought a tandem bike to meet new people in my city! I plan on riding it alone in the park this weekend.
82. My ideal weekend: tomorrows that never come, and yesterdays that never go away.
83. I recently took up glassblowing. It’s been great but tough to find open studios that aren’t 9-5 on weekdays!
84. This weekend I plan to have an existential crisis about where all the weekends go and how time moves too fast.
85. I finally have a three day weekend coming up! Not sure what I’ll do with all that free time… probably stress about how fast it’s going by.
