Scissors Puns
1. I was going to tell you a joke about scissors, but it’s probably best if we just cut it out.
2. Did you hear about the barber who got arrested? He was charged with hair-m robbery and scissor tackle!
3. My friend got me a pair of round-tipped safety scissors for my birthday. Not gonna lie, it was a pretty dull gift.
4. I bought a new pair of left-handed scissors yesterday. They seem pretty all right to me!
5. What kind of scissors do you use to give someone a haircut while they’re sleeping? Snooze clippers!
6. I was playing rock paper scissors with my friend the other day and chose scissors. She chose dynamite. I’m still trying to pick up the pieces of our friendship.
7. Did you hear about the angry scissors? They were absolutely cutting people off left and right!
8. I was cleaning out my desk drawer and found my old pair of dull scissors. Man, those things take me back to when I was a real edge lord.
9. My friend asked to borrow my scissors but I told him no way, I don’t associate with cutthroats.
10. Did you hear about the scissor lift that fell on a construction worker? Don’t worry, he’s going to make it. The doctor said he’s going to pull through!
Scissors One-Liners
11. I’m not saying my scissors are dull, but they couldn’t even cut through tension.
12. My scissors and I have a complicated relationship – sometimes we’re close, sometimes we need space.
13. I was going to run with scissors, but my mom said it was just a phase.
14. I bought my scissors an extra sharpener, but it was just enabling their bad habits.
15. I sent my scissors to finishing school, but they still have a bit of an edge.
16. My scissors and I bonded during quarantine, you could say we really cut it out.
17. I caught my scissors cheating on me with a knife, it cut pretty deep.
18. I wanted to spice up my relationship with my scissors, so I took them salsa dancing.
19. My scissors keep threatening to stab me in the back, our relationship is on edge.
20. My scissors keep ghosting me, I guess I need to cut them out of my life.
Best Scissors Jokes
21. A man walked into a barbershop and asked for a haircut. The barber grabbed his scissors and began working. After a few minutes, he stopped and said, “Sir, you’ll have to take off your hat if you want me to finish this haircut.” The man replied, “I’m sorry, I can’t, this is a very special hat.” The barber was confused but continued cutting the man’s hair while avoiding the hat.
After finishing, the barber said, “Alright, you’re all done.” The man got up and started walking out without paying. Furious, the barber shouted, “Hey, you need to pay!” The man turned around and said, “Oh right, how silly of me to forget.” He reached into his pocket, pulled out a pair of scissors, and snipped the air a few times. “Here’s your payment, a couple of air cuts!” And with that, he turned and darted out the door.
22. Kelly was excited to start her first day of kindergarten. She sat attentively as the teacher explained all the fun things they would do that year. When arts and crafts time came, the teacher gave each student safety scissors to cut shapes out of construction paper. Kelly snipped away happily until she noticed the girl next to her was struggling. The little girl’s scissors were tied together with a plastic zip tie! Kelly quickly helped her classmate cut the tie off. At the end of the day, Kelly told her mom all about her first day. Her mom was puzzled and asked, “Why did that girl’s scissors have a zip tie on them?” Kelly said, “I’m not sure, but I think the teacher did it as a safety scissors test.”
23. Joan loved doing arts and crafts in her free time. One day, while looking for her favorite scissors, she discovered they were completely rusted over and unusable. Disappointed, she decided to go buy a new pair. At the store, she was overwhelmed by the options – so many different sizes, shapes, and colors of scissors! After some time deliberating, Joan finally settled on a cute pair of mini floral printed scissors. She excitedly brought them home and used them to cut construction paper for her next project. But to her frustration, the tiny scissors were too small for most tasks. The flowers were cute, but useless! Joan realized she should have just bought regular-sized scissors. Next time, she would cut back on the cutesy ones.
24. Steve was a notorious scammer and con artist. He would roam around town finding innocent victims to rip off. Today’s ploy was to offer people free haircuts, but he would purposefully do a terrible job. Steve approached an elderly man at the park and said “Hey pal, looks like you could need a trim. I’ll give you quick snip for free.” The old man happily agreed. But instead of using real scissors, Steve pretended to cut his hair with his fingers making snipping sounds. After “finishing,” Steve held out his hand demanding payment. The old man laughed and said, “Nice try buddy, but that was the worst invisible haircut I’ve ever gotten! Now scram before I call the police.” Steve scurried away cursing to himself. He really needed to sharpen his scissor skills if he was going to make it as a scammer.
25. Jenny was so excited to use her new bedazzled scissors for arts and crafts. She decided to make customized Valentines for all her classmates. As she was cutting out pink and red hearts, her scissor blades started chipping and fraying. Turns out those fancy crystals did more damage than decoration! Many of the Valentines ended up looking like they were attacked by a paper shredder. Jenny’s mom tried to fix them with tape and glue, but it was no use. Next time, Jenny decided to just stick with plain old reliable scissors to avoid another glittery mess.
26. Timmy was so proud of himself for learning how to use scissors. One day while his mom was busy, he decided to give himself a haircut. Snip, snip, down went big chunks of his shaggy locks. When his mom came to check on him, she was horrified by his crooked uneven mess of hair. She asked, “Timmy, why did you cut your own hair?” Timmy shrugged and responded, “I just wanted to have a cutting edge style.” His mom tried not to laugh and said, “Next time, please wait for the professionals.” She spent the rest of the afternoon evening out his do into something presentable.
27. Martha was fed up with her dull rattling scissors. No matter what she tried to cut, it was a struggle getting through. Paper, fabric, even food – those old scissors just couldn’t snip anymore. She decided today was the day to get a replacement pair. At the store, Martha was drawn to a flashy golden pair, but ultimately chose a simple sleek black pair. Back home, she eagerly tried them out on some construction paper. Smooth like butter! The blades glided effortlessly with each satisfying snip. Martha was thrilled to have a working pair of scissors again. Her craft room was about to get a whole lot tidier thanks to her new handy tool.
28. Amanda was trying to help her daughter Katie learn to use scissors for the first time. She started Katie off with thick construction paper and safety scissors, but the little girl just couldn’t get the hang of it. Snip after snip went completely astray, leaving the paper full of uneven jagged edges. “Like this sweetie,” Amanda said gently, as she took the scissors and demonstrated. But Katie just could not coordinate the finger movements required. Amanda was worried Katie didn’t have the dexterity yet. She decided to try again in a few months. For now, they would stick to ripping paper instead of proper cutting.
29. Jake the barber was the best scissors wielder in town. His scissor skills were unparalleled, leaving every customer with picture perfect haircuts. But Jake harbored a secret – his scissors were enchanted by a witch to cut flawlessly every time. He lived in fear that someone would discover his cheating scissors. One afternoon, a new customer questioned how Jake managed to cut hair so evenly without looking. At last Jake confessed the truth, expecting anger from the town for his trickery. Instead, they congratulated his admitting his mistake. And from then on, Jake learned to cut honestly using his raw talent alone.
30. Jasmine was super excited to learn her friend Sophia had a coupon for a two-for-one haircut deal at the new salon in town. The girls eagerly rushed over after school and sat down at adjacent stylist stations. “How much do you want taken off?” Jasmine’s stylist asked. “Oh just a trim please, no more than an inch” she replied. But when she saw herself in the mirror at the end, she was shocked to see the stylist had chopped off a foot of her long hair! Jasmine cried while complaining to the manager. She turned to Sophia for consolation, who was also sobbing over her disastrous pixie cut. Those stylists and their scissors clearly could not be trusted!
More Scissors Jokes
31. When I was a kid, I tried to spread butter with a pair of safety scissors. Let’s just say things got pretty messy…I had butter knife skills.
32. My friend bought a pair of left-handed scissors even though he’s right-handed. I asked him why and he said, “They were the only ones on the shelf that weren’t sold out!”
33. I was wrapping Christmas presents with dull scissors – it was such a rip off!
34. What did the angry scissors say to the comb? “You’ve been getting on my last nerve!”
35. I was trying to cut some thick cardboard with my cheap scissors. After 20 minutes I threw them down in frustration and yelled “You just can’t CUT it!”
36. I was excited when I found a pair of scissors inside my Christmas crackers. Turns out it was just a prank – they were fake plastic scissors that didn’t actually cut! Talk about false advertising.
37. I entered my puppy in a show for dogs with the craziest haircuts. I totally would have won if I hadn’t accidentally used my pinking shears instead of regular scissors!
38. I’m no Edward Scissorhands, but I consider myself pretty handy with a pair of scissors and construction paper. Just don’t ask me to sculpt a bush into animal shapes.
39. I was so annoyed when airport security confiscated my sewing scissors but let me keep the tiny 1-inch ones. They really botched their whole scissors profiling system!
40. When I found out scissors need to be sharpened periodically I was totally perplexed. Here I thought they would last forever like knives.
41. I’m convinced my scissors are haunted. Lately they keep disappearing for a couple days then show up in random spots. Spooky!
42. The hotel housekeeper accidentally left a pair of scissors on my nightstand. Let’s just say I gave myself a free haircut that was…interesting, to say the least!
43. I decided to get crafty and make my own envelope opener out of cardboard and duct tape instead of using scissors. It worked great until it fell apart after the first use.
44. My preschooler got a hold of my fabric scissors and snipped a chunk out of our living room curtains. Let’s just say he’s off scissors duty for now.
45. I recently discovered my amazing scissors were accidentally switched with my co-worker’s useless ones. Watch out Claire, I’m coming for my good scissors!
46. Don’t you hate when you’re eagerly cutting wrapping paper and you get one of those folds that jams the scissors? Ugh, instant gift wrapping rage.
47. When I was little I would cut my dolls’ hair with scissors pretending I was a hair stylist. My mom was not thrilled with my salon skills though.
48. The other day a pair of scissors fell out of my backpack right as I walked into an airport security checkpoint line. Let’s just say that caused some momentary panic!
49. My daughter got a hold of my fabric scissors and cut holes in all her shirts trying to give them a “distressed” look. I was distressed alright!
50. I decided to finally Marie Kondo my mess of a junk drawer. Turns out I had 4 pairs of scissors in there that all managed to hide from me!