School Puns
1. I used to hate math, but then I realized decimals have a point.
2. I was struggling in art class until I finally drew the line.
3. My teacher told me to pay attention, so I gave her a quarter.
4. I failed Russian literature. Tolstoy was just too long for me.
5. I got expelled from Bible school for turning water into cola. They caught me red Phosphorused.
6. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
7. I relabeled all the elements on the periodic table. The cops charged me with misdemeanium.
8. I’m reading a great book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
9. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
10. Geometry class is so pointless.
11. I was going to tell a chemistry joke, but I didn’t get a reaction.
12. Algebra was really difficult, but then it clicked.
13. I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite. It was just soda pressing.
School One-Liners
14. My grades are like a newborn baby, drooling, spit up, and barely passing.
15. I’m not saying I hate math, but I’d count the days till summer break.
16. My grades are stellar…if you consider C’s to be stars.
17. School cafeteria food – proof that not everything can be improved with ketchup.
18. My class field trip was cancelled due to lack of interest.
19. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re running about average for a student.
20. School is where you regret not paying attention the first time.
21. The more you study, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why study?
22. Early to bed and early to rise probably means you have homework.
23. I’m not lazy, I’m just selectively active.
24. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it…which would be just fine with me because then I’d have an excuse to skip class.
Best School Jokes
25. Little Johnny was late for school one day, so his teacher asked him why he was tardy. Johnny responded, “Well, I was standing behind this tree watching an elephant.” The teacher said, “An elephant? How does that make you late for school?” Johnny said, “I’m getting there! Then the elephant sneezed and his trunk shot out 12 feet into the air. The snot froze solid and fell to the ground with a thud. I picked it up and have been trying to figure out how an elephant could shoot snot 12 feet into the air!” The teacher said, “That’s disgusting! Well I guess that could make you a little late.” Johnny said, “Wait, I’m not done yet! Then I had to dig a hole with the frozen elephant snot to bury it because I didn’t want to just leave it lying in the street!” The teacher said, “Okay Johnny I get the point, take your seat!”
26. A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about plants and animals. She asked the class, “What does a cow produce?” Little Johnny raised his hand and eagerly said, “Homework!”
27. Little Susie came home from school and said “Mommy, today in Bible class I learned all about how Jesus was betrayed and died on across.” Her mother replied “You mean Jesus died on a cross?” Susie said “That’s what I said, across.” Her mother said “No dear, you must have misunderstood. Jesus died on a cross.” Susie argued back “But that’s what I said! Jesus died on across!” The mother took Susie back to her Bible teacher the next day and told her that Susie insisted Jesus died on an across. The teacher smiled and explained that Susie was pronouncing it correctly, Jesus did indeed die on across. His cross!
28. Little Johnny’s teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Sally said, “My family went to the circus and we were fascinated by the acrobats.” Tommy said, “We learned in science class that light fascinates.” When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he said, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8.”
29. Little Johnny was told by his music teacher that she would teach him a fun song today. She told the class: “Let’s sing a song with a loud voice”. The teacher started singing “Row, row, row your boat gently…” Then she asked Johnny to sing the next line. Johnny happily sang in a loud voice “GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM!” Then he paused and shouted “AAAHHH, MERRILY MERRILY MERRILY MERRILY, LIFE IS BUT A DREAM!”
30. One day the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned to the class and asked, “Who did this?” Little Johnny stood up and replied, “It was me. I can’t tell a lie, I wrote penis on the blackboard.” The teacher yelled, “You get over here and wash that off this instant, and don’t ever do that again!” After Johnny cleaned the blackboard, the teacher nervously continued, “Now then, today we’re going to learn multiplication tables. Who can tell me what 3 times 4 is?” Little Johnny raised his hand and said “twelve.” The teacher said, “Very good, and what is 6 times 4?” Again Johnny replied, “Twenty four.” She continued, “Excellent, and what is 5 times 2?” Once more Johnny answered, “twelve.” Finally the teacher asked, “Now Johnny, tell me, what does the word penis start with?” Johnny said “Um, the capital P?”
31. Little Johnny’s teacher said, “Today we’re going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?” Johnny raised his hand and said “Mas-tur-bate.” Miss Johnson smiled and said, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.” Little Johnny said, “No, Miss Johnson, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”
32. The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said ‘Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?” She saw Little Johnny had his hand up, “Patrick Henry, 1775.” “Very good!” apprised the teacher. “Now, who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth’?” Again, Johnny’s hand went up, “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.” The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you need to know more than Johnny!” Finally, she asked, “Who said, ‘I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country’?” Surprisingly, Johnny did not object. The teacher then bellowed, “Johnny, are you prepared to tell the class who said that?” Johnny succumbed, “Ancient Chinese Proverb?”
33. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun had written a note saying, “Take only one apple please – God is watching.” Further along the lunch line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One of the boys had written a note, “Take all you want – God is watching the apples.”
34. On their first day at a new school, Little Johnny’s teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word “definitely” in a sentence. Little Mary raised her hand and said “The sky is definitely blue.” Then Little Bobby said “The leaves are definitely green.” Little Johnny raised his hand and said “My butt is definitely itchy.”
35. Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone, and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?” “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone?” “No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking!”
36. One day a new student named Chandu transferred to Johnny’s high school. Since Chandu wore a big feather earring, all the boys started calling him “Little Miss Feathers.” Chandu didn’t like the nickname, so he went to the principal’s office and made a complaint. The principal called Johnny into the office and explained, “We need to be understanding of others here, Johnny. Chandu is upset because the boys keep calling him Little Miss Feathers.” Johnny looked at the principal and said, “Sorry sir, but I thought calling him ‘Chandrew’ might be offensive too.”
37. The teacher asked the class to use the word “beans” in a sentence. “My dad grows beans in his garden,” said Little Mary. “I love green beans,” said Little Johnny. The teacher prompted him, “Can you use the word beans in a more imaginative way?” Johnny thought for a moment and said, “Yesterday I came home and saw my sister watching Netflix, so I told her to close her beangs and do her homework.”
38. Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the legs and rump of each animal. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before bidding on them.” Johnny looked worried and said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom…”
39. A pirate walked into a class and sat down. The teacher asked, “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate replied, “Arrr it drives me nuts!”
40. Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Six.” Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven!” Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!” Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Best School Jokes Continued
41. One day, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned to the class and asked, “Who did this?” Little Sammy stood up and stated proudly, “Me miss, I did.” The teacher with a surprised look on her face asked him to come to the front of the class. The teacher said “You see class, Sammy has shown great initiative in coming forward and admitting he did this. However, since he has shown poor judgment in writing this on the board, he must be punished. Sammy, I want you to go to the bathroom and wash this off, and promise never to do anything like this again.” Sammy went to the bathroom and returned a few minutes later. The board was clean and the teacher was happy. She told Sammy “Now Sammy, I must ask you one more thing. Did you learn anything from this?” Sammy looked up at her and said “Well now I know how hard it is to wash off marker when it is written in permanent ink!”
42. Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how much money would you have?” Little Johnny: “One dollar.” Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.” Little Johnny: “You don’t know my father.”
43. Teacher: “Why are you late?” Little Johnny: “Because of the sign.” Teacher: “What sign?” Little Johnny: “The one that says ‘School Ahead, Go Slow.'”
44. Teacher: “What’s the chemical formula for water?” Little Johnny: “HIJKLMNO” Teacher: “What on Earth are you talking about?” Little Johnny: “Yesterday you said it’s H to O!”
45. One day, Little Johnny’s teacher asked the class to bring a clear plastic bag and fill it with dirt. The next day the teacher asked each student to explain what they had learned from this activity. First a girl said when she looked at the dirt closely, she noticed how everything in nature is important. Then a boy said he learned that even though dirt looks ugly, it is still part of the earth. Finally Little Johnny stood up and the teacher asked him what he learned from the bag of dirt. Johnny said, “Well, I learned that if you have a teacher that is too lazy to read the science book, you can just bring in a bag full of topsoil and tell her it’s a freakin’ ecosystem!”
46. Teacher: “Can anyone tell me what the Golden Rule is?” Little Jane: “Do unto otters as you would have them do unto you.”
47. Teacher: “If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?” Little Johnny: “That’s not fair! You answered the easy ones and left me with the hard one!”
48. Teacher: “Johnny, can you tell me what happens to animals during the winter?” Little Johnny: “Well, they hibernate.” Teacher: “Could you explain what hibernating is?” Little Johnny: “It’s kind of like if you sleep with a girl and she doesn’t wake up for nine months.”
49. Teacher: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?” Little Louie: “Because George still had the axe in his hand!”
50. A teacher asked her class, “What is sex?” Johnny got up and said: “Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation where a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination to increase the population of the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?”
51. Teacher: “Who was the greatest inventor?” Little Johnny: “Thomas Edison. He invented the light bulb.” Little Susie: “I think it was Benjamin Franklin. He discovered electricity.” Little Johnny: “I still think it was Edison. He invented the light bulb so we could see in the dark.” Susie: “But Franklin discovered the electricity that powers light bulbs!” Johnny: “Sure, but without Edison’s light bulb, we would have to do science experiments in the dark!”
52. Teacher: “Jonny, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have 10 years ago.” Jonny: “Me!”
53. Teacher: “Glen, why do you always get so dirty?” Glen: “Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.”
54. Teacher: “Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.'” Millie: “I is the…” Teacher: “No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’ ” Millie: “All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'”
55. Teacher: “Lucy, what do sheep give us?” Lucy: “Wool!” Teacher: “Sally, what do chickens give us?” Sally: “Eggs!” Teacher: “Harry, what do pigs give us?” Harry: “Homework!”
56. Teacher: “What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?” Student: “I don’t know and I don’t care!”
57. Teacher: “Children, if I saw 9 birds sitting on a fence and I shot one, how many birds would be left?” Little Sally: “None, the gunshot would scare them all away.” Teacher: “The answer is 8, but I like your thinking.”
58. Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?” Teacher: “Not right now, Johnny. Wait until I’m finished teaching the lesson. Do you think you can hold it?” Little Johnny: “Well, I really need to go poo, but I guess I could probably hold my pee for a little while longer!”
59. Teacher: “Who has a question? How about you, Johnny?” Little Johnny: “Not me. I can’t think