Steven Seagal Puns
1. Steven Seagal’s movies are so predictable, you can see his plot from a mile away.
2. I heard Steven Seagal is coming out with a new energy drink. It’s called Seagal-Powered.
3. Did you hear about Steven Seagal’s new action movie set in a bakery? It’s called Knead for Speed.
4. Steven Seagal was asked to star in a movie about clocks. He replied, “I’ll pass – I don’t want to be type-casted.”
5. Steven Seagal tried to start his own ride share company, but had to shut it down. Turns out people didn’t want to Get In The Car.
6. Steven Seagal’s family bought him a Fitbit for his birthday. He immediately threw it out – he refuses to be Under Siege from fitness trackers.
7. Steven Seagal hurt his hand while signing autographs for fans. The doctor said it was just a mild Out For Justice sprain.
8. Did you hear Steven Seagal is coming out with his own brand of paper? It’s going to be called Marked For Death Notes.
9. I heard Steven Seagal wants to get into landscaping. His new business will be called Hard To Mow.
10. Steven Seagal tried to start his own airline but it didn’t take off. Turns out no one wanted to fly on Air Force One.
Steven Seagal One-Liners
11. Steven Seagal’s acting is so wooden, his movies should be rated R for violence and PG for performance.
12. Steven Seagal running looks like two tarantulas fighting over a hairball.
13. Steven Seagal doesn’t age, he just gets more ponytails.
14. Steven Seagal’s range as an actor is almost as limited as his range of motion.
15. Steven Seagal doesn’t star in movies anymore, he just stands in front of a camera until someone yells cut.
16. Steven Seagal doesn’t audition for roles anymore, directors just hold up pictures of bad guys until he nods.
17. The only thing worse than Steven Seagal’s acting is his blues guitar playing.
18. Steven Seagal doesn’t run lines with other actors, he just recites them in a monotone until scenes are over.
19. Steven Seagal’s acting coach must have been a cardboard cutout of Clint Eastwood.
20. Steven Seagal has two emotions: squint menacingly and open hand strike.
Best Steven Seagal Jokes
21. Steven Seagal was cast in a movie about classical musicians. He thought he would be playing a pianist, but it turned out his character was a harpsi-chordist. Seagal said “I don’t get it – I’m just here to play the piano.” The director replied “No, you’re here to play the harpsi-chord.” Seagal squinted menacingly and said “I don’t understand.” The director sighed and said “You’re here to play the harpsi-chord.” Seagal stood up, kicked over a table and yelled “I’m just here to play the piano!”
22. Steven Seagal’s agent called him up and said “Steven, I’ve got you a part in the new Star Wars movie!” Seagal said “Oh wow, who am I going to play?” The agent replied “Chewbacca.” Seagal was silent for a full minute and then said “I’ll take it.”
23. Steven Seagal was cast as the romantic lead in a new rom-com. When he got on set, the director said “Alright Steven, in this scene you have to passionately kiss the leading lady.” Seagal slowly turned his head, squinted his eyes, and said “I don’t think so.” The director pleaded “Come on Steven, you have to kiss her, it’s in the script!” Seagal shook his head and said “I just don’t feel it’s necessary.” The director finally gave up and said “Fine, can you at least hug her lightly then?” Seagal thought about it for a minute, let out a long sigh and said “Okay, I guess I can do that.”
24. Steven Seagal’s first leading role was in the movie Hard to Kill. On set, Seagal would only respond to people who called him by his character’s name, Mason Storm. One day a production assistant went up to him and said “Hey Steven, do you want coffee?” Seagal turned around slowly, stared him down and said “The name’s not Steven. It’s Mason Storm.”
25. Steven Seagal was approached by the WWE to appear as a guest referee at Wrestlemania. Vince McMahon said “Just get in the ring, point at the wrestlers, walk around a bit to stay involved in the action, and be prepared to make the three count when needed.” Seagal replied “I will perform my referee duties to the utmost of my abilities and ensure a fair match.” Vince shook his head and said “Eh, good enough.”
26. Steven Seagal was doing an interview on a late night talk show. The host asked “What was it like training the real life CIA agents for your movie Above the Law?” Seagal glared at the host and sternly replied “I cannot confirm nor deny anything related to my work with the CIA.” There was a long, awkward pause, and the host moved onto the next question.
27. The director explained the scene “Okay, Steven – you’re playing a father taking his son to his first day of Little League. I need you to show tenderness and affection.” Steven Seagal nodded and said “I will attempt to evoke the desired paternal qualities.” The director sighed and said “Action!” Seagal put his hand on the boy’s shoulder, squinted into the distance, and said in a flat tone “Play hard, son. Make me proud.” The director yelled “Cut! Could you show a little more warmth this take?” Seagal cracked half a smile and said “I will strive to improve my performance.”
28. Steven Seagal was doing weapons training for a new action movie. The trainer handed him a pistol and Seagal immediately pointed it sideways and fired off two rounds. The trainer ran over shouting “NO, you have to hold the gun properly!” Seagal handed it back and said “My apologies. Please advise correct firearm handling protocol.” The trainer just stared at him blankly until Seagal took the gun again, held it normally, and hit three perfect bullseyes.
29. Steven Seagal was approached by the Discovery Channel to host a nature documentary series. He agreed on one condition – that it only feature the most dangerous animals on the planet. The first episode was two hours of Steven Seagal staring down cobras, cape buffalos, and hippos. The series was not renewed for a second season.
30. The director explained “This is the emotional climax of the movie, where your character cries over the death of his wife.” Steven Seagal nodded stoically. After a few failed takes, the director called for a break. Seagal walked up to him and calmly said “Perhaps we could substitute an alternate non-verbal reaction, such as a poignant stare.” The director thought about it and said “You know what, let’s just cut the scene.”
31. Steven Seagal was cast in a Broadway musical. On opening night, the director went pale as Seagal awkwardly mumbled his way through the ballads and spoke the dialogue in a flat monotone. The next day, every major critic gave scathing reviews, with one simply writing “Seagal’s performance was less entertaining than watching concrete harden.” Ticket sales immediately tanked.
32. The director explained “In this emotional scene, your wife confesses to cheating on you. I need you to break down crying.” Seagal squinted his eyes and calmly replied “An Aikido master feels no pain.” Later the director found Seagal alone backstage softly whispering to himself “Tears are temporary, honor is forever. Tears are temporary, honor is forever.”
33. Steven Seagal was cast in a buddy cop comedy due to his stone-faced straight man persona. When he arrived on set, the director said “Okay Steven, in this scene your partner Andy improvises some zany antics, and you react with exasperation.” Seagal nodded. When Andy went into comedic riffs, Seagal would stare blankly and occasionally mutter “That behavior seems unwise.” The movie was critically panned for its lack of chemistry.
34. The director pulled Seagal aside and said “Look, I need more from you in this scene – can you put a little passion into the lovemaking?” Steven calmly replied “I am proficient in the art of Aikido, not the art of intimacy.” After a painfully awkward scene, the director gave up and told the editors to cut straight to the morning after.
35. Steven Seagal was approached by a major automaker to appear in a Super Bowl commercial. They wanted him to kick open the door of a new sports car, get behind the wheel, and speed off while staring intensely at the camera. Seagal requested two things – a stunt double for the door kick and no actual driving of the vehicle. The commercial bombed.
36. Steven Seagal agreed to a celebrity roast on Comedy Central, but only if the comedians ran all jokes by him beforehand. After reviewing the material, Seagal said he approved the following topics: his ponytail, squinting, questionable martial arts skills, and mumbling line delivery. All other topics were deemed off limits. Needless to say, the roast was not renewed for a second year.
37. Steven Seagal was asked during an interview, “If you could have any other actor’s career, who would you choose?” After staring blankly for 30 seconds, Seagal finally replied, “All paths contain their own difficulties. I seek only to walk my own.” The interviewer blinked and said, “Uh, yeah, next question.”
38. The director said, “This is the big climax where your vigilante character gets revenge! I need you to show rage!” Steven Seagal raised an eyebrow slightly and said, “A true martial artist remains calm under pressure.” The director pleaded, “Come on, give me something! Just throw a chair and yell!” Seagal sighed, then softly tossed a plastic chair and said in a monotone, “My fury cannot be contained.”
39. While shooting a chase scene, the director yelled, “Okay, trip and stumble more to show you’re exhausted!” After multiple failed takes, Seagal came over and calmly stated, “The spiritual energy of a master warrior cannot be depleted so easily.” The director gave up and said, “Forget it, we’ll make it look tiring in editing.”
40. Steven Seagal was approached by a major studio to star in a new action franchise. The producer said, “This role has tons of emotional complexity – your character experiences a staggering loss in Act 1.” Seagal nodded and said, “I will render this multifaceted character to the best of my capabilities.” The studio quietly shelved the project a week later.
41. Steven Seagal was set to receive a lifetime achievement award from the Academy of Motion Pictures. During his acceptance speech, he stared blankly at the audience for a full minute before leaning into the mic and saying, “I extend my deepest gratitude for this prestigious recognition” – then walking off stage.
42. Steven Seagal was asked during an interview, “You’ve made your fame on action films, but is comedy something you’d ever like to try?” Seagal narrowed his eyes slightly and replied, “I am always open to new challenges.” The interviewer smiled and said, “Great, tell us a joke!” Seagal sat silently before responding, “I do not recall any joke at this time.”
43. Steven Seagal agreed to do Dancing with the Stars on one condition: during his performances, the only dance moves he would do are walking slowly and occasional slow-motion high kicks. Despite the simplest routines ever seen on the show, Seagal was still eliminated in the first round.
44. In an acting class, the teacher said: “For this exercise, I need volunteers to portray basic emotions.” All students raised their hand except Steven Seagal, who sat stoically. The teacher said, “Steven, come on, try an emotion!” Seagal slowly looked up and said, “Feelings are fleeting. The only constant is equanimity of spirit.”
45. Steven Seagal was asked to guest judge on America’s Got Talent. His feedback after every act consisted only of a thumbs up or thumbs down gesture. Producers begged him to offer more critiques. He finally said, “Each performer must follow their own path.”
46. Steven Seagal’s agent excitedly called him and said “Steven, I got you the lead role in a new Broadway play!” Seagal replied, “The stage provides an intriguing artistic challenge. What is the character breakdown?” The agent said, “Well, he’s sad in Act 1, happy in Act 2, and angry in Act 3.” Seagal fell silent before replying, “I will consider this carefully.” He declined the role a day later.
47. Steven Seagal was hosting Saturday Night Live for the first time. The cast was nervous about his total lack of comedy background. At read-through, the only note he gave was, “Let us proceed.” During the live show, he delivered every line in a deadpan, emotionless style. The episode was deemed a disaster.
48. Steven Seagal agreed to do a big arena show demonstrating his Aikido skills. The promoter wanted him to put on an exciting performance with lots of flashy moves. Seagal insisted he would only use the most basic, fundamental techniques to show the essence of true Aikido. He was quietly cancelled a week later.
49. Steven Seagal was approached by a major viral video platform to collaborate. They wanted him to film short videos reacting to internet challenges, memes, and other trends. Seagal simply stared at them and said, “Fleeting fads do not interest me.” The meeting ended shortly after.
50. The director needed more intensity from Seagal for an action sequence. He begged him, “Come on, show me some FIRE! Give me a big dynamic performance!” Seagal replied, “The energy of a true Aikido master burns steady like an ember, not with uncontrolled flames.” The editor had to cut most of the scene.
51. While filming a movie scene, the director said, “Walk away from the explosion while loading your machine gun!” After several mundane takes, the director pleaded, “Can you ham it up a bit more?! This is the big payoff!” Seagal stared blankly and replied, “Subtlety is the mark of true mastery.”
52. Steven Seagal was asked to do an interview sharing warm memories from his long career. He sat in silence for 15 minutes before finally saying, “Each moment contains its own significance. To elevate one threatens equanimity.” The interviewer blinked and said, “Okay then, next question.”
53. Steven Seagal was set to receive a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. His entire acceptance speech consisted of staring at the trophy for a long moment before bowing deeply and walking off stage.
54. The director needed some shots of Seagal looking pensively off camera. He shouted, “Okay Steven, in this shot you gaze nobly into the distance contemplating the injustice of society!” Seagal squinted slightly more than usual before replying, “Inner stillness requires no embellishment.”
55. Steven Seagal was asked in an interview “What has been the secret to your long success in Hollywood?” Seagal sat silently, then leaned forward and said “When the iron is hot, strike without hesitation” before slowly leaning back again without further comment. The interviewer blinked and said “Moving on…”
