Period Puns (25)
- I was going to make a period joke, but I decided to pass.
- The period at the end of a sentence isn’t always the crappiest period of the month.
- My period is like an unwelcome guest who arrives unexpectedly and overstays their welcome.
- Getting your period is a bloody mess. It’s like a crime scene in your pants.
- I hate it when my period sneaks up on me. It really catches me off guard.
- When I get my period, I feel like I’m being punished for not getting pregnant.
- My period came a week early. It really threw off my cycle!
- Having cramps makes me crabby. Dealing with periods can be a beach.
- I was feeling sad on my period, but my friend cheered me up. She’s such a tampon!
- My period arrived unexpectedly while I was wearing white pants. Talk about a red flag!
- Getting your first period marks the end of childhood naivety. It’s basically a bloody wake up call.
- When I’m on my period, my patience wears thin. I have little tolerance for crap.
- My period turned my white sheets red. It was a bloody mess.
- I hope my future daughter inherits my polite and mild periods rather than her dad’s angry ones.
- My period was extremely heavy this month. It was practically monsooning!
- I was relieved when my pregnancy test came back negative. At least I’m not bloody pregnant!
- When I’m on my period, I just want to curl up with a heating pad and hibernate like a bear.
- Getting your first period is a rite of passage. It means you’re blossoming into a menstrual woman.
- My period is so frustrating. It comes and goes as it bloody pleases.
- I wish we could normalize periods in conversation. The stigma really cramps my style.
- When I start my period, I’m basically on a bloody rollercoaster for the next few days.
- My period arrived today so I’m premenstrual. I just hope I don’t have premenstrual dysphoric disorder!
- Getting your first period is sobering. Childhood innocence straight down the drain.
Period One-Liners (20)
- Waddling to the bathroom with a wad of toilet paper between my legs.
- Why am I crying at this cat video?
- Checking the calendar to see if blood day is approaching.
- Popping ibuprofen like candy.
- Mother Nature is punishing me again.
- Wearing black pants for the next 5-7 days.
- Curled into a ball, cramps are no joke.
- Do these chocolate stains look like blood?
- Panic because I’m not pregnant but still no period.
- How many pads do I need for a 3-day camping trip?
- The bathroom looks like a murder scene.
- Sorry, can’t swim today, I’m on the rag.
- I NEED chocolate or I’ll kill someone.
- PMS is no excuse for murder, said no jury ever.
- Are you on your period or just naturally irritable?
- Do cramps hurt worse than contractions?
- I only get two days warning before the Red Sea flows.
- How to stop a crime scene in my pants?
- Shoving toilet paper in my underwear at work.
- Googling if I can still get pregnant on my period.
Best Period Jokes (40)
41. My first period was like the elevator scene from The Shining, except it was coming from my underwear. I was so confused and terrified.
42. I wish I could enjoy a drama-free period like the ones in TV commercials, where women smile blissfully as they frolic in white pants.
43. My super heavy flow this month has me channeling Carrie at the prom. Let’s just say my bathroom looks like a crime scene.
44. Me before my period: I feel fine! Maybe I’ll get it early and it won’t be bad at all this month! Me on day 1: Welp, never mind, my organs are trying to exit through my vagina.
45. List of period essentials: Extra underwear, chocolate, pain meds, fuzzy blanket, Netflix, and social isolation until the bloodbath ends.
46. Roses are red, violets are blue, surprise! Blood is red and so are you!
47. Why is period stigma still a thing? Bleeding out of your vagina is natural, nothing to be ashamed of. Hand me that chocolate and mind your business.
48. Doctor: Your cramps and heavy bleeding may indicate fibroids or endometriosis. Me: Or it’s just a really crappy period?
49. Me normally: I love white clothing! Period me: Do you have this dress in black? And maybe in a larger size that disguises bloated stomachs?
50. Shout out to Mother Nature for making me so emotional once a month that I weep over insurance commercials about elderly couples holding hands.
51. Why are tampon applicators so freaking loud? I’m trying to be discreet over here!
52. My first period began in the middle of a school spelling bee. As I stood on stage in my white dress making a red Rorschach painting, I spelled out M-O-R-T-I-F-I-E-D.
53. Getting your first period is a milestone for every girl. Nothing says “welcome to womanhood” like bleeding on your favorite pair of underwear.
54. Why is every period product commercial full of dancing women wearing white pants? Let’s normalize periods as they really are – messy and uncomfortable.
55. Aunt Flo: *arrives* Me: Welp, another month where I’m not pregnant! *wipes tear away* My uterus: Maybe next month.
56. When I used to teach sex ed, I told students that menstruation is “The White Pants Visitor.” Because when it comes knocking, you won’t be wearing white pants for a while.
57. Do you think male lawmakers would try regulating periods if men were the ones who bled monthly from their genitals?
58. My period is like an unwanted guest who comes over unannounced, eats all my food, stains my furniture, and takes a week to finally leave.
59. If men had periods, tampons would be free, new pain meds would already exist, and monthly “manstruation” parades would be a thing.
60. The stages of my period: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance that I’ll be wearing black for the next week.
61. Me normally: I feel bloated after one slice of pizza. Period me: I ate an entire pizza in one sitting and I’m still starving, pass the donuts!
62. Shout out to all my sisters synchronizing cycles and collectively weeping at sappy commercials once a month.
63. Do you think male Congressmen have to pass a test proving they can insert a menstrual cup before regulating periods?
64. My heating pad is the only thing keeping me sane during my period. I’d marry it if I could.
65. Period haikus I wrote while crying over puppy videos: Blood moon rising / Uterus shedding its lining / Someone hand me chocolate.
66. Things I envy about my husband when I’m menstruating: 1. He stands up to pee 2. No bleeding from orifices 3. Ibuprofen actually works for him 4. He can have sex without pain 5. His hormones don’t turn him into a lunatic once a month.
67. If men got periods, we’d have a week off of work each month for “manstrual leave” and dudes would be like, “Yeah bro, I’m pregaming tonight for my manstruation party tomorrow, gonna be sick!”
68. Me before my period: I feel great, got so much energy! Life is beautiful! Me 24 hours later: *wrapped in a blanket burrito sobbing over life insurance commercials* Why am I like this??
69. Roses are red, here’s something true, I bled through my tampon, and now my dress is too.
70. Things that don’t mix with periods: White pants, tight dresses, heavy lifting, swimming, sex, working out, basically functioning like a normal human being.
71. Got my period during a camping trip. I fought a bear for tampons and won.
72. If I run out of chocolate on my period, be warned that things may turn ugly quickly. Hangry doesn’t even begin to describe it.
73. I wish my period was an actual visitor so I could be like, “Listen Flo, I know we agreed on 5 days but this 7-day stay is unacceptable. Please leave.”
74. Can we all agree that periods are the absolute worst? Let’s riot against womankind’s monthly suffering. Who’s with me?
75. When a man says, “Periods can’t be that bad,” I want to go Carrie on them and be like, “It’s a horror movie in my pants and no pain meds help!”
76. Yay, I’m bleeding, cramping, and emotional! *Sobs into heating pad* Just another fabulous day of my period.
77. Roses are red, my face is too, I sit on the toilet, just to pee a few.
78. I take Midol for the pain, but there’s no pill strong enough to contain the period-induced existential dread I feel when watching ASPCA commercials.
79. If men had periods, we’d all get a week off work each month. Men would compare menstrual flow, cramp intensity, and emotional lability.
80. My period each month: Surprise! I’m here again to ruin your plans, mental health, and underwear. Cramps and tears for all!
81. Funny how Congress thinks it can legislate women’s periods when most of them clearly don’t even know how they work. Maybe we should make laws regulating penile function.
82. Oh look, it’s 4am and I’m still awake with horrible cramps. Excuse me while I angrily eat this tube of cookie dough.
83. My period is here so please stay away unless you have chocolate, a heating pad, or pain meds. Hormonal monster within has been activated.
84. Do guys even realize what a nightmare periods are? The endless bleeding, pain meds that don’t work, and crying over puppy commercials? Just hellish.
85. Greeting card ideas: Sorry about the lack of grandchildren, your uterus is still punishing you monthly! Stay strong you menstruating queen!