New York Puns
1. I heard there’s a new restaurant in New York that serves nothing but puns. Their most popular dish is the “Chicken Parmesan Subway Series.”
2. Did you hear about the comedy club that opened in Times Square? It’s called the “Punch Line.”
3. I was reading the newspaper on the New York City subway when I saw an ad that said “BIG SALE TODAY.” I thought to myself, “Well that’s Times Square.”
4. Did you hear about the new Irish bar that opened in Brooklyn? It’s called “Flushing O’Reilly’s.”
5. I entered a pun contest in New York but sadly no pun in ten did.
6. Did you hear that they fired the groundskeeper at Yankee Stadium? They said he wasn’t keeping up with the Bronx Zoo.
7. I saw an ad for a used car dealership in Queens called “Pre-owned in New York.” Talk about high mileage!
8. The New York Philharmonic was struggling financially so they decided to sell instruments on the black market. Now they’re known for their symphony racket.
9. Did you hear about the new credit card aimed at New York fashionistas? It’s called the Macy’s Charge Card.
10. I accidentally locked my keys inside my apartment so I called a locksmith in Brooklyn. Within minutes a guy showed up and said “Bronx your door open in a jiffy!”
11. What do you call thieves who only steal Louis Vuitton bags in Manhattan? Purse snatchers!
New York One-Liners
12. I asked my real estate agent if an apartment in New York was rent controlled and she said, “Sir, this is New York, nothing here is under control.”
13. They say there’s someone out there for everyone. In New York, there’s about 8 million of them.
14. New York is the city that never sleeps, which is perfect for me because I have insomnia.
15. In New York, even the rats walk faster.
16. They say New York changes you. Must be why my wallet is always empty.
17. Don’t honk your horn in traffic in New York, it’s just how we communicate.
18. In New York, my commute to work doubles as my morning workout.
19. They call New York the Big Apple because the cost of living will take a big bite out of your wallet.
20. New York Pizza: fold, don’t roll.
21. The most unrealistic part of TMNT is that they could afford their sewer lair in New York.
Best New York Jokes
22. Two tourists were driving through New York City. As they were passing through Chinatown, they saw a sign that said “Try Our Chinese Ribs – They’re the Best in the City!” So they pulled over and went into the restaurant. When they sat down, the waiter came over and asked what they’d like to order. “We read your sign outside and we’d like to try some of your Chinese ribs,” said one of the tourists. The waiter shook his head. “I’m very sorry, but we are all out of Chinese ribs right now.” The tourists were disappointed. As they were leaving, they passed a homeless man near the restaurant, who was holding a sign that read “I’m Hungry and Homeless, Please Help.” One of the tourists had an idea. He walked over and gave the homeless man $20 and said, “Would you do me a favor? Go into that Chinese restaurant and order their famous Chinese ribs.” The homeless man gratefully took the money and went inside. 15 minutes later, he came back out. The tourists were amazed and asked what happened. The homeless man said, “Well I ordered the ribs, like you asked. But they told me they don’t serve Chinese here.”
23. A family from New York decided to go to Florida for vacation. The husband wanted to rent a sports car to drive around Florida in style, but his wife insisted on taking their own car so they could save money on the rental. After a heated argument, they compromised and rented a regular family car when they arrived in Florida. They embarked on their road trip and eventually pulled up to a toll booth. The husband, still disappointed about not getting the sports car, decided to have a little fun. When he pulled up to the toll booth, he looked over at the toll booth operator and shouted “Beep beep!” Then he drove through without paying. His wife was furious, worried they’d get pulled over or sent a fine in the mail. A week after returning home from vacation, the husband checked the mail and found a letter with the Florida highway patrol on the return address. He nervously opened it, only to find a photograph of their car driving through the toll booth. Under the photo in red ink it said “BEEP BEEP!”
24. A tourist in New York City was marveling at all the skyscrapers, fancy hotels, and luxurious stores. He turned to a native New Yorker and said, “Man, this city is so impressive! The mayor must be one rich guy!” The New Yorker laughed and said, “Yeah, he started out with just one newsstand.”
25. Three friends were bragging about who had the fastest mode of transportation in New York City. “I take the subway every day and I can get from the Upper East Side to downtown Brooklyn in 25 minutes flat,” said the first friend. The second friend scoffed, “That’s nothing. I ride my motorcycle and I can weave between traffic and get from Midtown to Chinatown in 15 minutes.” The third friend just smiled and said, “That’s cute, but I take a cab and my driver can get me anywhere in the city in 5 minutes just by putting on his turn signal.”
26. A tourist was lost in New York City. He stopped a passerby and said “How do I get to Carnegie Hall?” The passerby shrugged and said “Practice.”
27. My friend got a parking ticket in New York even though she swears she fed the meter. When she went to court to dispute it, the judge asked her if she had any evidence to support her claim. She pulled out a photo of the meter with quarters in it and presented it to the judge, but he ruled against her anyway. She was outraged and said “Come on, I’ve got photo evidence right here, clear as day!” The judge just replied, “Lady, this is New York. If your photo evidence doesn’t show a dead body with a knife sticking out of its back, it doesn’t mean anything.”
28. A tourist visited New York and booked a room in a fancy hotel. He unpacked his suitcase and noticed he was missing a shirt. He called down to reception to report it. “I seem to be missing one of my shirts,” he said. The person at reception apologized and said “We’ll send someone up right away to help look for it.” 15 minutes went by and there was a knock at the door. The tourist opened it to find an entire SWAT team geared up with face masks and rifles. “We’re here to help you find your missing shirt, sir!”
29. A man moved from Nebraska to live in New York City. On his first day he walked up Fifth Avenue gazing at all the storefronts, skyscrapers, and hustle and bustle of the big city. Looking up he saw the flashing neon signs and said out loud, “Wait a second, I think I must be on Broadway!” A New Yorker walking past replied without missing a beat: “Nope, you’re still in Nebraska.”
30. A tourist arrived at JFK airport and grabbed a taxi to his Midtown hotel. On the drive there, a car cut them off, someone honked at them from behind, and they almost hit another vehicle that ran a red light. The rides swerved left and right through heavy traffic. By the time they arrived at the hotel, the tourist had white knuckles from gripping the seat so tightly. He said to the cab driver, “Wow, the roads in New York are so dangerous!” The cab driver replied, “Dangerous? You think this is dangerous? You should see me drive when I’m drunk!”
31. A man moved from Alabama to New York City. On his first day he walked around gawking at the skyscrapers, taxis, and chaos of Midtown Manhattan. “This place sure is busy!” he remarked to a stranger on the sidewalk. The stranger replied in a thick New York accent: “Busy? This ain’t busy. You shoulda been here last week, we were swamped!”
32. A Southern couple was visiting New York City for the first time. As they stood in Times Square, dazzled by the bright lights and energy, a homeless man approached them. “Spare some change for a poor old New Yorker down on his luck?” he pleaded. The husband reached in his pocket but his wife stopped him, saying “Now don’t go giving this bum your money. For all we know he could spend it all on booze!” The homeless man hung his head down and said “M’am, in this town, ain’t no one can get drunk on 35 cents.”
33. Three tourists were walking through Central Park. One was from California, one was from Boston, and one was from Texas. As they strolled through the park, they came across several New Yorkers passed out on the lawn, clearly drunk from the previous night. The man from California shook his head disapprovingly and said “What terrible alcoholics!” The man from Boston looked down angrily at the drunk men and cursed “What a bunch of miserable lushes!” The Texan looked at the scene, smiled and said “Look! Free range Yankees!”
34. The manager of the New York Yankees baseball team decided to do something special for fans, so on Opening Day he set up a booth where fans could have 1-minute conversations with the players. The first fan went up to the booth and got to talk to a veteran player. “This is such an honor!” he gushed. “I’ve been a Yankees fan my whole life. I think you guys are going to go all the way this year!” The veteran player smiled politely and said “Well we’ll certainly try our best. It should be an exciting season.” The next fan in line went up and got to talk to one of the young rookie players. “Hey man, you’re my favorite new player!” he said. “You’re so talented, I know you’re going to be a future Hall of Famer and win multiple championships for the Yankees!” The rookie beamed with pride and said “Wow, thanks for the high praise! I’m going to give 110% effort this season.” Finally, the last fan went up to the booth and talked with the Yankees manager. “I don’t mean to alarm you,” the fan whispered, “but I think two of your players are smoking marijuana behind the stadium.”
35. Why don’t New Yorkers drink cappuccinos? Because the foam reminds them of air quality.