House Puns
- I was going to re-shingle my roof, but then I got cold feet.
- Our new smart home is so advanced, it’s practically a PhD in architecture.
- Getting ready to move into a fixer upper house is a renovation in progress.
- The haunted house was in need of an exorcist when strange noises came from the attic.
- While house hunting I saw one with big windows and thought it was very panoramic.
- Our messy home needed a cleaning blitz so it would be presentable.
- We planted bushes in front of our house to give it more curb appeal.
- The abandoned house was full of cobwebs; it had gone to rack and ruin.
- When house hunting, I looked for a place with a nice layout that really flowed.
- After the open house I put in an offer, hoping to seal the deal.
House One-Liners
- My house is so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
- My house is made entirely of balsa wood – so any toddler tantrum could bring it down.
- I just bought a foreclosed house – the previous owners left everything: their hopes, their dreams, even their kids!
- My house is like a dump – which is perfect because I live like trash.
- I don’t actually live in a house – I just stand outside an open window and pretend.
- They say the bathroom is the most dangerous room in the house. I say it’s the grow room.
- I named my home Wi-Fi network “FBI Surveillance Van” – now my entire neighborhood is paranoid.
- My house is made of candy, which sounds nice until you have to fix the gummy bear drywall.
- My house has an East Wing and a West Wing – turns out the blueprint was for the White House.
- My house was built on an ancient burial ground – which would explain the ghastly property taxes.
Best House Jokes
- I was having a conversation with my house the other day. It was very one-sided.
I should really stop drinking alone. - My wife was mad when I spent our entire life savings on an extravagant mansion. But now that I’m sleeping on the couch, the joke’s on her.
- I accidentally burned my house down when I was making toast. I guess I should have read the sign on the toaster that said “Warning: House may get toasted.”
- Did you hear about the haunted house that was rated E for Everyone? It turns out ghosts are actually quite friendly.
- My house is so messy, I tripped over the cat and killed myself. Unfortunately, my ghost also trips over the cat daily.
- I got locked outside of my house, but I wasn’t worried. I knew that with some patience and a big brick, I could find a way back inside.
- My wife asked me to take all the spider webs down outside our house. So I got a step ladder and took down the whole World Wide Web.
- Working from home sounded like a good idea until I realized my house didn’t come with IT support.
- My therapist suggested I redecorate my house to get rid of bad energy. But I don’t believe in feng shui – I think it’s a load of chi.
- I decided to install a security system in my house that electrocutes anyone who breaks in. So far I’ve been shocked 37 times.
House Puns
- Couldn’t afford a new house so I just added another story to mine. You could say it’s now a tall tale.
- Rented a house that used to belong to a magician. Every room is an illusion.
- My new house is still under construction. You could say it’s being erected.
- Couldn’t decide between buying a house or an apartment. Ended up getting a duplex and calling it an apart-home.
- Raccoons got into my house and tore up the place. It was pandamonium.
- My house has a large porch that wraps all the way around it. It’s quite the panoramic view.
- I wanted an open concept house but got something different. There aren’t any walls at all!
- Couldn’t afford a down payment on a house so I just bought an upstairs.
- My house has voice activated lights. I have to yell at them to get them to turn on. Home sweet home!
- Got a good deal on a fixer upper house. Only has minor issues like termites, asbestos, and a portal to hell in the basement.
House One-Liners
- Bought a vacation house that’s one room with a dirt floor – the realtor called it cozy but I call it a hobbit hole.
- My house is made entirely of glass – luckily I have no neighbors so no one can see me on the toilet.
- Just moved into a retirement home – turns out my house throws better parties than I do.
- My house has a rodent problem. They throw great raves in the walls but won’t pay rent.
- Got a tiny house to save money. Now I know what a hamster feels like.
- Moved back in with my parents. Their basement is surprisingly comfortable!
- My house’s decor theme is minimalist. The walls are bare and there’s no furniture – I just sleep on the floor.
- My dream house has a chocolate fountain, bowling alley, and two-story closet. Meanwhile I live in a tool shed.
- Just got an amazing deal on a mansion! The only catch is that the previous owner died inside and still haunts it.
- I downsized to a micro-apartment in NYC. My bedroom is so small I have to go outside to change my mind.
Best House Jokes
- I was having issues with my house’s electrical wiring, so I called my electrician friend over to take a look. He went into the basement, poked around for a few minutes, and came back looking pale. “I’ve located the problem,” he said nervously, “and I think what you have here is a current issue that I’m just not equipped to handle.”
- My wife and I bought our dream home, only to discover termites had eaten most of the wood framing. We tried to get out of the contract, but the seller refused to let us break the deal. Now we’re stuck in a house that’s falling apart at the seams trying to make the best of it. I guess you could say we have a binding agreement.
- I accidentally burned my house down when a candle tipped over and set the curtains on fire while I was away for the weekend. The fire chief said they did everything they could, but the blaze just kept spreading from the drapes to the carpet, to the furniture, until almost nothing was left standing. Now I’m combing through the remains and all I can say is… that escalated quickly.
- When our house kept making strange noises at night, my wife convinced me to call a priest to come inspect it in case of a haunting. He went through all the rooms chanting blessings, sprinkling holy water, and doing rituals for over an hour. After he finished, he came to me demanding payment for an exorcism, but I refused. There was no proof my house was possessed, so technically the service he provided was on spec.
- We bought a foreclosed house at a bargain price, not realizing the angry former owners left surprises behind: holes kicked in walls, torn up floors, shattered windows, and worse. As we’ve worked to fix each disaster we come across, we keep finding more damage. Just yesterday, I opened the attic door only to have hundreds of dead rats rain down on me. At this point, I can say with certainty that this house was not lightly forsaken.
- As a housewarming prank, my friend installed dozens of voice-activated devices all over my new house that yell bizarre things at random times. So now I’ll be eating dinner and a speaker hidden in the bathroom will suddenly scream “Your food is bland!” or I’ll be getting ready to shower when the bedroom closet will announce “Nice outfit, loser!” I’ll admit, it’s been startling at times, but overall it’s just harmless fun. Plus, he said he’ll come remove them all in six months, so what’s the harm?
- We were excited to buy a house with a huge, beautiful backyard, until we realized the lawn was filled with endless hazards: junk buried everywhere that tore up our mower blades, hidden tunnels that caved in underfoot, aggressive fire ant mounds, and more critters than we could count. Every time we step outside it’s a literal minefield. Next time we won’t take the term “fixer-upper” so lightly.
- As a kid I always wanted a treehouse, so when I bought my first house I decided to finally live the dream and build an elaborate treehouse in the big oak in my yard. It took months to complete, but the end result was better than I imagined with multiple rooms, electricity, even wifi. The first time a big storm rolled through, though, it blew the entire thing out of the tree in pieces. Now I remember why I grew up without a treehouse.
- I’m thinking of turning my house into a museum dedicated to myself. I’ll have exhibits on “The History of Me,” “My Childhood and How It Made Me Who I Am,” and “My Favorite Meal for Every Day of the Week.” And of course there will be plenty of gift shop space to buy merchandise with my face on it. It’s going to be me-tastic!
- When my wife said she wanted an open concept home, I took it a little too literally. I knocked down every wall downstairs so now we just have one giant room with the kitchen, dining area, living room, everything flowing together. She’s not thrilled. But she wasn’t specific enough about what “open concept” meant, so really, this mistake is on her.