Hanukkah Puns
1. What do you call a dreidel made out of bacon? A hanukkebel.
2. Why did the menorah get arrested? It was caught littering.
3. I was going to tell a joke about Hanukkah presents but decided not to gift wrap it.
4. Why couldn’t the Jewish boy play hockey? He kept getting penalty minutes.
5. What do you call someone who can’t keep a secret during Hanukkah? A leaky dreidel.
6. Did you hear about the new smartphone for Hanukkah? It’s called the Menorah Phone X.
7. Why did the golfer have a menorah on the golf course? He wanted to work on his putt-keah skills.
8. Why was the rabbi upset during Hanukkah? He had candle-stickaphobia.
9. Did you hear about the sick menorah? It was feeling a little light-headed.
10. Why do dreidels hate taking tests? They get lots of spinning questions.
11. Why doesn’t anyone want the Hanukkiah’s autograph? It’s impossible to sign your Hebrew name with eight styluses at once.
12. What’s a rabbi’s favorite exercise? Spinning the dreidel.
13. Why couldn’t the kindergartner light the menorah? He wasn’t tall enough for the mitz-vah.
14. Did you hear about the new Netflix series starring Adam Sandler? It’s called The Hanukkah Eight.
15. What do you call a sleepy menorah? A snoozanukah.
Hanukkah One-Liners
16. I’m so good at giving hanukkah gifts, they should call me santa mowitz.
17. This hanukkah I got a sweater – but what I really wanted was a hanukkah hallelujah.
18. I asked my jewish friend if they were ok after slipping on a patch of ice. They said “don’t worry, I hebrew-ke my fall.”
19. I ate so much fried food on hanukkah, my doctor told me I have high cholesteroyle.
20. The hanukkiah needed an electrician to check its wiring because some of the candles weren’t lighting up.
21. I was going to make potato pancakes this Hanukkah, but I didn’t have the right latke-tude.
22. The rabbi’s sermon was so long, we almost ran out of candles on the menorah.
23. I’m thinking of converting to Judaism just for theHanukkah presents.
24. The menorah had a midlife crisis when it turned 40 – it felt ancient compared to all the birthday cake candles.
25. My favorite Hanukkah tradition is eating so many jelly donuts I feel like I’m about to explode into a donut supernova.
26. I played dreidel against a rabbi but he schooled me with his tricky Jewish physics.
27. This Hanukkah season I’m only spinning LOW energy dreidels.
28. Be careful with the Hanukkah candles or you’ll end up with your latkes burnt and your tzimmes fried.
29. Why do Jewish mothers make such small latkes? So they can fit more in the pan, of course!
30. This Hanukkah, I’m really looking forward to lighting the candles, spinning the dreidel, and most of all, avoiding yeast.
Best Hanukkah Jokes
31. Sarah and Rachel were comparing how they celebrate Hanukkah.
Sarah said, “In my house, we light the menorah, say prayers, and then enjoy a nice family dinner.”
Rachel said, “That sounds lovely! In my house we turn off all the lights and set the curtains on fire to celebrate the Festival of Lights.”
32. Moshe was playing dreidel with some friends and it was his turn to spin. The dreidel landed on shin, and Moshe groaned.
His friend Aaron said, “What’s wrong Moshe?”
Moshe replied, “Ugh, I have to put money in but I’m so poor.”
Aaron suggested, “Why don’t you just pretend you landed on hey instead?”
Moshe answered, “You know I can’t do that Aaron, it would Jew-ish!”
33. Rebecca’s family was busy preparing for the first night of Hanukkah. The table was set, the menorah was ready, but the latkes were taking forever to cook.
“Mom!” Rebecca called from the kitchen. “When will the latkes be ready? We’re starving!”
“Patience, darling,” her mom replied. “Good things come to those who wait.”
Rebecca’s dad added, “Yes, and latkes come to those who wait even longer.”
34. Little Ari was very excited for his first Hanukkah. He had learned all about the Maccabees in school and couldn’t wait to celebrate.
On the first night, Ari’s family gathered around the menorah as his dad lit the shammash and the first candle.
“When do we get to open presents?” Ari asked eagerly.
His parents explained Hanukkah was not really about gifts, but Ari wasn’t satisfied.
After the blessings, Ari closed his eyes tight and wished with all his might: “Please bring me lots of presents!”
He opened his eyes expectantly but nothing had appeared. Ari sighed, “The shamash must be broken.”
35. The Goldberg family decided to cut down on Hanukkah festivities this year due to budget constraints.
“Do we really need all these extra decorations?” mom asked while shopping.
“Eight nights is a long celebration,” dad replied. “Let’s just pick two to focus on.”
On the first night, they lit the menorah candles and enjoyed a nice dinner. On the fourth night, they exchanged simple gifts.
“This is perfect,” said Grandpa at the end. “It really feels like Too Little Ukkah this year.”
36. Levi was practicing his dreidel skills, but no matter how many times he spun, the dreidel would only land on gimel.
His friend Saul watched in amazement. “How do you do it? I can never get gimel!”
Levi leaned in and whispered, “I’ll tell you the secret – this dreidel is rigged!”
Saul’s eyes went wide. “You mean it’s fixed?”
“Of course,” Levi said with a wink. “It’s the only way I can fulfill my dreams of being a professional dreidel spinner!”
37. Judah was excited to celebrate his first Hanukkah since converting to Judaism. He had learned all the rituals and couldn’t wait to put them into practice.
On the first night, as Judah was reciting the blessings and getting ready to light the candles, his wife interrupted him.
“Dear, where’s the shammash? You forgot to take it out of the box.”
Judah looked puzzled. “What’s a schmanass?”
His wife laughed. “Oh honey, it looks like you still have more to learn!”
38. At Hebrew school, the teacher announced they would be putting on a Hanukkah play.
“Sarah, you can design the set. Judah, you handle props. And Reuben, you will play Judah Maccabee,” she declared.
Reuben did not look pleased. “But I wanted to play Antiochus!” he whined. “He gets to ride an elephant!”
The teacher explained patiently, “Reuben, Judah Maccabee led the revolt. Antiochus was the enemy.”
Reuben crossed his arms and huffed. “Well, my mom says I should get to play whoever I want.”
39. The Goldberg twins loved pulling pranks on Hanukkah. This year, Benjamin swapped the menorah candles for colorful birthday cake candles.
As the Goldberg family began lighting the candles, they were confused to see flames in vivid blues, greens and pinks.
“Is this some modern Hanukkah tradition?” Grandma asked in surprise.
Just then, Benjamin and his twin sister burst out laughing. “Gotcha!” they exclaimed together.
Though exasperated, even Grandma had to admit it gave the Festival of Lights a whole new meaning.
40. Moshe was visiting his Catholic friend Sean during the Christmas season. He was surprised to see a Christmas tree topped with a Star of David!
“What’s with the Star of David on your tree?” Moshe asked.
“Oh, that’s not a Star of David,” Sean replied. “It’s just two triangles put together.”
Moshe looked closely at the tree topper. “Yeah, I think you’re right. My mistake!”
The next night, Sean went to Moshe’s house and saw a menorah with a Santa Claus figurine in the center.
“Your menorah is so unique!” Sean said. “Is that Santa Claus in the middle?”
Moshe smirked. “Nope, just a fat guy in a red suit.”
More Hilarious Hanukkah Jokes
41. A family sat down to a festive Hanukkah dinner. As everyone filled their plates with brisket, kugel and latkes, Grandpa took a sniff and made a face.
“Oy vey, what’s that terrible smell?” he asked. Everyone at the table took turns smelling the food but couldn’t detect any bad odor.
Finally Grandma sniffed Grandpa and said, “It’s coming from you dear! I think you forgot to shower after the gym.”
The whole family burst out laughing while Grandpa’s face turned bright red. “All right, all right,” he chuckled. “I walked right into that one!”
42. On the eighth night of Hanukkah, the Goldberg family gathered for the lighting of the menorah.
As Grandpa prepared to light the shamash, there was a loud crash from the kitchen. The family rushed in to find their cat had knocked the menorah off the counter.
“Bad kitty!” Grandma scolded. The cat slinked away in shame.
“It’s OK,” said Grandpa. “We may be short a few candles, but I have an idea.”
He arranged eight pickle jars on the counter and put one candle in each. “My DIY menorah!” he declared proudly. The Goldbergs smiled and continued their Hanukkah celebration by the light of Grandpa’s pickle jar menorah.
43. Little Sarah was very confused about the Hanukkah story. “Mommy, if Judah Maccabee fought the bad guys, why don’t we have an army today?” she asked.
Sarah’s mother tried to explain that times had changed. “We celebrate the Maccabees’ victory by rededicating ourselves to God each year.”
But Sarah wasn’t satisfied. “When I grow up, I’m going to start the Jewish army again and get us more presents for Hanukkah!” she declared.
Her mother just smiled and said, “That’s nice dear. Now please go set the table.”
44. The Hebrew school class was preparing for their big Hanukkah play. Rebecca volunteered to be the narrator, while other children got parts as Judah Maccabee, King Antiochus, and more.
But during rehearsal, Rebecca kept forgetting her lines. Each time it was her turn to narrate, she would stand silently, unable to remember the next part.
Finally, the teacher said gently, “Rebecca dear, maybe it would help to write down your lines on notecards.”
Rebecca shook her head defiantly. “The Maccabees didn’t use notecards!”
45. Moshe loved Hanukkah, but he struggled with one tradition – spinning the dreidel. No matter how many times he tried, Moshe could never get the dreidel to spin properly. It would just flop over immediately after he threw it.
“Here, let me show you how,” his sister offered. She gave the dreidel a graceful twist of the wrist, and it spun beautifully on the table.
Moshe tried again but only got the same limp spin as before.
“Don’t feel bad Moshe,” his dad said. “The important thing isn’t how well you play dreidel. It’s that we’re all here together celebrating Hanukkah as a family.”
46. The Goldstein family sat down for a delicious Hanukkah dinner. As everyone enjoyed the latkes, brisket and jelly donuts, they went around sharing what they were thankful for this holiday season.
Grandpa went first. “I’m thankful for family, faith, and a full stomach!” Everyone chuckled as Grandpa patted his belly.
Next it was Grandma’s turn. “I’m grateful for my wonderful grandchildren and for good health all year long.”
The children shared many things they were thankful for – presents, time off school, holiday treats and more.
Finally it was the uncle’s turn. He smiled slyly and said, “I’m thankful I can now fit into my pants after all that food!”
47. Jacob was very upset when he opened his Hanukkah gift from Aunt Ruth. She had given him a lovely sweater, but it was far too big.
“Don’t you like the sweater, Jacob?” Aunt Ruth asked.
“It’s so gigantic!” Jacob exclaimed, holding up the sweater. The arms drooped comically past his hands.
“Oh, that’s because I made it to last you many years so you can grow into it!” Aunt Ruth explained with a smile.
Jacob was still disappointed but tried to grin and bear it. Later, his mother took him aside and whispered, “Don’t worry, we’ll exchange it for a better size.”
Finally Jacob was able to smile for real.
48. The Goldberg family prepared to light the menorah for the 6th night of Hanukkah. Grandma carefully arranged the candles in place for each night so far.
“Wait, something is wrong,” Grandpa said, inspecting the menorah.
“There are only 5 candles lit tonight. Did we forget a night?”
The family tried to figure out what had happened. Suddenly Grandma started laughing.
“Silly me, I accidentally put the shamash back in the menorah box after last night!”
Everyone had a good laugh over Grandma’s absentminded but harmless mistake.
49. Little Rachel stared intently as Grandpa carefully lit each candle on the menorah for the 2nd night of Hanukkah.
When he was done with the blessings and the candles were burning brightly, Rachel asked, “Grandpa, can I lick the menorah now?”
Her parents quickly explained that would be dangerous with real flames.
Rachel’s face fell in disappointment. “But I thought Hanukkah was the festival of licks!” she cried.
It took a few minutes for her family to stop laughing enough to clarify the actual name.
50. The Goldberg family was busy preparing potato latkes for a Hanukkah party. As Grandma carefully fried up latke after latke, the kitchen filled with delicious aromas.
“Everyone out of the kitchen!” Grandma shooshed her hovering children and grandchildren. “You’re distracting me and I’m about to run out of potatoes!”
Just then, Grandpa appeared with two more bag of potatoes under his arms.
“Not to worry my dear, we have plenty of latkes for all our guests!” He gave her a peck on the cheek, and Grandma smiled happily.
51. Judah was very excited for the Hanukkah party at Hebrew school. He had been practicing his dreidel skills for weeks.
But when Judah arrived at the party, his friend Jacob said, “Let’s not play dreidel this year. I brought my new checkers set instead!”
Some other boys agreed it would be more fun to play checkers. Judah was crestfallen that they weren’t going to play the traditional Hanukkah game.
Overhearing this, the teacher came over. “How about we divide into groups – some can play dreidel and others can enjoy checkers,” she suggested.
Judah perked up immediately. Crisis averted!
52. The Goldberg family sat down to enjoy a festive Hanukkah dinner. Grandpa prepared to say the prayers and light the menorah candles.
But before he could start, his young granddaughter Leah spoke up. “Grandpa, can I say the prayer this year?”
Grandpa was surprised but smiled warmly. “Of course you can, my dear!”
Leah proudly recited the Hanukkah blessings, lighting the candles perfectly. Everyone clapped when she was done.
