Army Puns (10)
1. Why did the soldier bring extra socks to battle? Just in combat boots!
2. Why are army beds so close to the ground? They want you to hit the deck running.
3. Why do soldiers eat their meals in just minutes? They don’t want to be rested.
4. Why do soldiers shine their boots at night? So they can see their reflections in the dark.
5. Why do soldiers wear camouflage? They don’t want to look like sitting ducks.
6. How does the army keep their vehicles clean? They give them all a GI wash.
7. Why do soldiers wear tight helmets? So they don’t lose their heads in battle.
8. Why do soldiers stay up all night when deployed? They heard the early bird gets court martialed.
9. How does the army cut costs? They use infantry rather than cavalry.
10. Why do soldiers eat MREs? Because SOS is Morse code, not food.
Army One-Liners (10)
11. I asked an army officer for the wifi password, he said “WeRangers22”
12. I wanted to join the army, but I didn’t want to get deployed. So I joined the Salvation Army instead.
13. I was going to tell an army joke, but it was too violent.
14. I failed the army vision test because I didn’t C the big E.
15. I heard the army has a great retention program. It’s called reenlistment.
16. Why was the army man assigned to the kitchen? He was good at beating the eggs.
17. I was going to join the army, but the drill sergeant seemed too intense.
18. What do you call an army of babies? An infantry.
19. Why did the army private take his mom to work? He needed a chaperone.
20. How do army doctors practice surgery? On drill patients.
Best Army Jokes (34)
21. A new recruit was on sentry duty at night when he saw a shadowy figure approach his post. “Halt! Who goes there?” he shouted. “Friend!” came the reply. The recruit shouldered his rifle and prepared to fire. “Advance and be recognized!” he yelled. The figure promptly put his hands up and walked into the light. It was the recruit’s commanding officer, who had come to see how his new sentry was doing. He patted the recruit on the back and said, “Everything’s just fine, son. But when someone calls out ‘Friend,’ don’t shoot them—and when someone calls out ‘Enemy,’ don’t invite them to advance!”
22. What do you call an army soldier with no girlfriend? So jaded.
23. Did you hear about the soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? He’s a seasoned veteran.
24. Why did the soldier call his girlfriend “Grenade”? Because one day she’s going to blow up on him.
25. What’s the main problem with being an army drill sergeant? Making up new insults after boot camp graduation.
26. Why was the lazy army private always late to drills? He just needed a little motivation.
27. Did you hear about the army cook who baked a chocolate cake without any chocolate? It was a war crime.
28. Why do army generals wear so many medals on their uniforms? Well they have to earn all those privates somehow.
29. What did one army tent say to the other? Stick with me and I’ll make sure nothing can go under you.
30. Why don’t they allow music in the army? It raises morale too much.
31. Did you hear about the soldier who brought tufts of grass to basic training? His drill sergeant made him do push-ups on the spot, yelling “You can’t bring sod to the army, recruit!”
32. Why don’t army doctors prescribe painkillers very often? They want their patients to suffer like good soldiers.
33. What’s the biggest problem facing the army’s land forces? Avoiding all the air force and navy jokes about them.
34. Why did the army private bring a ladder to drills? He wanted to climb the ranks quickly.
35. What’s the difference between a new army recruit and a veteran? The veteran can interpret all the acronyms.
36. Why was the army base so noisy? All the soldiers kept shooting the breeze.
37. Did you hear about the army chef who cooked his meat too long? His CO said it was well-done.
38. Why do army generals wear their uniforms even when off duty? Just force of habit.
39. Did you hear about the army private who only cleaned half his barracks? His CO made him give the other half a GI mop too.
40. Why are army minefields shaped like squares? Because soldiers like everything in rectangle order.
41. What’s a soldier’s favorite punctuation mark? Camouflage!
42. How do you know if there are army personnel staying at a hotel? The staff is super strict and by the book.
43. Why did the army private get chess lessons? So he could learn new maneuvers.
44. What do you call an army doctor who wants to switch careers? A field medic.
45. Why do army generals wear so much camo? They don’t want to be seen slacking off.
46. What’s an army drill sergeant’s least favorite job? Latrine duty.
47. What do you call someone who gets lost on an army base? Private Wander.
48. Why did the army private stare at canned juice for hours? He was concentrated.
49. What’s the quietest spot on an army base? The library, of course!
50. Why do army generals have schedules full of holes? Because they have lots of staff meetings.
51. What’s an army private’s favorite type of footwear? Combat boots!
52. Why do army platoons stick together? For moral support.
53. What’s brown and black and hides in army trenches? Chocolate soldiers!
54. What’s the first thing new army recruits learn to march in? Single file.
55. Why do army generals bring their own pens to the office? So privates don’t take them.
