35 Funny Washer Jokes

Washer Puns

1. I was going to buy a new washer, but I decided to keep the old one. I have a lot of clean laundry with that appliance and didn’t want to throw it out just for the spin cycle.
2. Our washer plays songs while it runs. You could say it has its own built-in sound system so you can listen to music while doing laundry. I guess you could say our washer is a real singer-songwriter!
3. I entered my washer into a strongman competition. Turns out it can clean over ten pounds of dirty clothes in one cycle!
4. Someone broke into my house and stole my washer. The police detective came over and said there were no prints left behind. I said, “Well of course not, it’s a washer. It cleans things!”
5. I was annoyed at my new washer because it was making too much noise. But then I realized I was being unfair—it’s a clean comedian just trying to get some applause.
6. Did you hear about the washer that escaped from the mental asylum? It was declared legally insane after throwing a massive spin cycle!
7. Our old washer started leaking water all over the floor. We tried to get it fixed but the repairman said it was too far gone. I guess you could say it was on its last rinse cycle.
8. When our washer broke down, my wife called the repairman to come take a look. When he got the washer running again, my wife was so happy she gave him a big hug. I guess you could say he saved our marriage from going down the drain!
9. When I bought my new washer, the salesperson tried to upsell me on an extended warranty. But I passed—most warranties end up not covering anything anyway. I decided I could handle any minor fix-it jobs, as long as it didn’t require re-engineering.
10. Did you hear about the angry washer? It battered a load of clothes during the heavy-duty cycle!
11. Our landlord installed a pay-per-use washer in our apartment building laundry room to save money on water bills. You could say she has found a way to capitalize on her assets.
12. My washer loves hosting dinner parties, but it tends to overload the place setting every time. I have to remind it to scale back the guest list!

Washer One-Liners

12. I was going to tell a joke about laundry detergent, but I decided to skip it.
13. My washer is so rough on clothes, it should come with a warning label.
14. My washer shakes so violently during spin cycle, I nicknamed it “Earthquake.”
15. Don’t buy a washer from that company—their appliances have no integrity.
16. I put my phone in my pocket before doing laundry, and now it’s washed up.
17. My new washer has so many bells and whistles, it’s practically an orchestra.
18. Help! My washer keeps making garbled noises like R2D2 whenever I turn it on.
19. Beware of the violent criminal gang that operates out of my laundry room—they call themselves Washer Dryer Unit.
20. I tried to return my used washer to the appliance store. They took one look at me and said, “Sorry, no refunds on washups.”
21. New laundry detergent promises to get clothes their cleanest. What did the old detergent do—leave cookies crumbs on everything?
22. The warrantee on washers should last longer than the warrantee on mattresses. After all, people don’t flip their washers as often.
23. My laundromat has a new motto: “Wash Early, Wash Often.” I think they’re taking this clean thing too far.

Best Washer Jokes

25. Last week my washing machine started making some strange noises and refused to spin properly during the rinse cycle. I did a quick Google search of the model number to see if anyone else had come across the same issue. Turns out, quite a few people had complained their machine also started unwilling to spin after a few years of use.

    The good news was it seemed like an easy fix—the central shaft mechanism had simply become loose over time. I ordered the $15 replacement part and learned how to install it from a YouTube tutorial. Fixed it myself over the weekend and saved $150 bucks! Guess I cleaned up on that appliance repair, heh.

26. Did you hear about the washing machine thief? He was caught red-handed stealing quarters from the laundromat payment slot. Apparently he had thousands of dollars worth of change stuffed into bags in his apartment.

    When questioned by police, he admitted everything: “I started swiping quarters occasionally whenever I did my laundry at the 24-hour washateria. Soon that became a regular habit. Eventually I couldn’t stop—I was addicted to looting the laundromat slots! I must have stolen over $10k in quarters over the past two years! Please, get me into therapy and help me break this terrible addiction!”
27. Why can’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
28. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
29. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
30. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
31. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
32. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
33. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
34. Why can’t a bicycle stand up by itself? It’s two tired.
35. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
36. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
37. Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes? They’d crack each other up.
38. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!
39. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
40. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
41. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
42. A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.
43. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
44. Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
45. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he’s a web designer.
46. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
47. Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
48. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
49. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
50. Last night, someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. How low can you go?
51. I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
52. What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
53. My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
54. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
55. Don’t trust atoms—they make up everything!