Vegetable Puns
1. What do you call an unhappy pea? Miserable.
2. Why was the cucumber depressed? Because it was in a pickle.
3. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.
4. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
5. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
6. I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
7. Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? Because they’re fungi.
8. What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese.
9. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
10. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.
Vegetable One-Liners
11. I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
12. I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
13. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
14. My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
15. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
16. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
17. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
18. When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
19. My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
20. Mom: “How do I look?”
Me: “With your eyes.”
Best Vegetable Jokes
21. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
22. What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
23. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
24. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
25. I invented a new word! Plagiarism!
26. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
27. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
28. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
29. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
30. Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.
31. Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve noble gases in here.” He doesn’t react.
32. Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
33. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
34. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up? It was two tired.
35. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
36. What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
37. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
38. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
39. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
40. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!
41. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody nose.
42. I’m glad I know sign language. It’s pretty handy.
43. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
44. I’m terrified of elevators. I’m taking steps to avoid them.
45. The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
46. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
47. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
48. If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner for a bit. They’re normally around 90 degrees.
49. How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
50. I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
51. I lost my mood ring today. I’m not sure how I feel about that.