Vasectomy Puns (15)
1. What do you call a man who just had a vasectomy? Snip and clip!
2. Why was the man sore after his vasectomy? The doctor really gave his tubes a tying!
3. I asked my friend how his vasectomy went. He said, “It was nuts!”
4. After my vasectomy, the doctor said I’d feel a little discomfort. I think he severely underestimated my vas deferens.
5. I heard vasectomies can cause post-traumatic stress. Talk about testicular fortitude!
6. Why are men always on edge after a vasectomy? Because they lost their vas deferens between fight and flight!
7. The vasectomy wasn’t so bad, but the bill made my vas deferens!
8. My friend got a vasectomy but was scared it would change him. I said, “Don’t worry, you’ll still have the vas deferens!”
9. After my vasectomy I crossed my legs and said, “Looks like that’s the last of my vas deferens!”
10. Vasectomies can be scary, but just remember – no vas, no kids!
11. My doctor told me to wear tight underwear after my vasectomy. But I don’t have the balls to try that!
12. After my vasectomy, my wife said I lost my animal magnetism. But I assured her, I still have my buck personality!
13. I wanted to get a vasectomy, but my doctor said my insurance wouldn’t cover it. Apparently they have a no vas-ectomy clause.
14. After my vasectomy, I asked the doctor if I’d still be fertile. He said, “Vas happenin’!”
15. Getting a vasectomy was nuts, but my doctor promised me it would be a snip!
Vasectomy One-Liners (15)
16. I’m not looking forward to my vasectomy, but I’m trying to look on the bright side – at least I’ll get my vas snipped!
17. They say vasectomies decrease pleasure, but I don’t give a damn – I’m just doing it so I don’t become a dad!
18. I’m nervous about my vasectomy tomorrow – I just hope the doctor doesn’t botch the job and leave my vas deferens!
19. My doctor told me to wear a jockstrap after my vasectomy, but I don’t see how that’s going to ease the pain in my vas deferens.
20. After my vasectomy I’m going to tell people that my vas deferens got severed – they’ll think I’m so educated!
21. I’m not looking forward to my vasectomy. I have a feeling it’s going to be nuts!
22. They say you should freeze two loads before your vasectomy, but I think I’ll pass – I don’t need any keepsakes from my vas deferens!
23. I wanted to get a vasectomy for my birthday, but my wife shut that down real quick – no vas for me!
24. My buddy is nervous about decreased sensation after his vasectomy. But honestly, not having kids is worth losing some feeling in your vas deferens!
25. I’m scared about my vasectomy – what if the doctor messes up my vas deferens!
26. After my vasectomy, me and the wife are going to do it without protection – no vas, no foul!
27. Getting snipped next week – bye bye vas deferens, hello worry free sex!
28. Not looking forward to the vasectomy, but at least I’m getting a no vas guarantee!
29. Vasectomy this Friday – let’s hope this doctor knows how to clip some vas deferens!
30. I wanted to name my vas deferens before they got removed during my vasectomy, but I couldn’t think of any good names!
Best Vasectomy Jokes (27)
31. I was nervous about getting a vasectomy, but then the doctor assured me it was a simple snip-snip procedure. Now my wife is pregnant with triplets! I said, “I thought you were just going to snip!” He said, “I did – snip, snip, snip!”
32. After my vasectomy, I asked the doctor, “Will I still be able to enjoy sex like I used to?” He chuckled and said, “Yes, everything will be working just the same as before, only you won’t have to worry about any accidental pregnancies.” I smiled and said, “Accidental? They were ALL accidental!”
33. I went with my buddy for his vasectomy consultation. The doctor said, “It’s a simple procedure, we’ll just cut and seal the vas deferens tubes.” My friend looked worried and said, “Will I notice any difference after this?” I laughed and said, “Well, one thing’s for sure – your semen will no longer have the vas deferens!”
34. At my vasectomy consultation, the doctor explained how they would locate and cut the vas deferens tubes. I stopped him and said, “Hold on now, before we start cutting anything, let’s just pause and really take a moment to reflect on all that my vas deferens has done for me over the years.”
35. I asked my buddy how his vasectomy went. He shook his head and said, “It was horrible. Right before the procedure, the doctor came in and said ‘Okay, time to start cutting your tubes!’ I got so nervous that my legs slammed shut and I accidentally clocked the doctor right in the face!”
36. I was chatting with a friend who had a vasectomy. He said the worst part was when the doctor started digging around trying to find the vas deferens tubes. I cringed and said, “Ugh, I hate when they root around down there trying to find your tubes!” My friend looked confused and said, “What are you talking about? They go in through the scrotum, they don’t dig around in your butt!”
37. At my vasectomy consultation, the doctor explained how they would locate and cut the vas deferens tubes. I said, “While you’re working down there, could you also give me some abs? And maybe shape up the old vas deferens region? I’d love for it to look like a Greek statue when you’re done.”
38. I went with my friend for his vasectomy. In the waiting room, he was sweating bullets and looked terrified. I laughed and said, “Relax man, this is a simple snip-snip surgery, you’ll be fine.” Later, when I went to pick him up, he was crying and shaking. I said, “Dude, what happened?” He whimpered, “You didn’t tell me they were going to cut open my scrotum!”
39. At my vasectomy, the doctor kept calling the vas deferens tubes “spermatical cords.” After the third time, I finally corrected him and said, “Don’t you mean vas deferens?” He gave me a blank stare and said, “Son, that’s the scientific term. These here are your spermatical cords and I gotta cut ’em.”
40. I was waiting with my friend before his vasectomy. He looked nervous so I tried to keep his mind off things. “Just think,” I said, “after this, you’ll never have to worry about accidental pregnancies ever again.” He turned pale and said, “Accidental pregnancies? Are you saying my kids were accidents!?”
41. I couldn’t decide whether or not to get a vasectomy. On the one hand, the thought of someone slicing open my scrotum made me cringe. But on the other hand, I kinda wanted to see what my vas deferens looked like.
42. I asked my buddy what it felt like right after his vasectomy. He grimaced and said, “Imagine getting kicked in the nuts really hard, and then that pain just never goes away.” I winced and said, “Jeez man, maybe you should have gone with a different birth control option!”
43. At my vasectomy consultation, the doctor kept referring to my “semen highways.” After the third time, I had to ask, “Don’t you mean vas deferens?” He chuckled and said, “Son, I may be a doctor, but I never did learn the scientific names for the baby batter transport tubes.”
44. My doctor told me to wear two pairs of underwear after my vasectomy to keep everything supported. But when I woke up from surgery, I saw he had put me in a pair of granny panties and a jock strap. Sometimes you just have to trust the medical expertise.
45. I asked my buddy if he was nervous about his vasectomy. He laughed and said, “Nah, once they cut the vas deferens tubes, I’ll shoot nothing but blanks down there!” I cleared my throat awkwardly and said, “Yeah, that’s not exactly how it works…”
46. My doctor kept referring to my “sperm poles” when discussing my vasectomy. I finally corrected him and said, “I think the word you’re looking for is vas deferens.” He replied “Tomayto, tomahto – either way, I’m still whacking your baby batter tubes.”
47. I was waiting with my friend before his vasectomy. You could tell he was terrified. I tried to reassure him, “It’s just a simple snip, over in 5 minutes.” Later, I saw him after the surgery bawling his eyes out in pain. I guess when it comes to vasectomies, there’s no such thing as ‘just a snip!’
48. At my vasectomy consultation, the doctor kept referring to my “semen cyclinders.” After the 5th time, I had to speak up. “Don’t you mean vas deferens?” He chuckled patronizingly and said “Of course, of course…but let’s not get caught up in technical terms. The important thing is I’ll be sealing your baby gravy tubes shut!”
49. My buddy wouldn’t stop complaining about his vasectomy. “Dude, they literally cut open your scrotum and mess with your tubes down there. What did you expect it to feel like?? A gentle tickle and a lollipop after?”
50. I asked my doctor if I could watch my own vasectomy procedure. He seemed surprised but agreed to it. Although in retrospect, I think I could have lived without ever witnessing firsthand what the inside of a scrotum looks like.
51. My doctor kept accidentally calling my vas deferens my “semen freeway.” After the 5th time I had to speak up. He chuckled and said, “My apologies, sometimes us country doctors get our wires crossed on the science-y terms.” I replied, “That’s alright, as long as you know which tubes to cut so I stop producing children!”
52. I tried to psych my buddy up before his vasectomy. “Just think – once they cut your tubes, you’ll never have to worry about accidental kids ever again!” He laughed and said, “Accidental? Who said anything about accidental!?” I gulped and quickly changed the subject.
53. I asked my buddy how his vasectomy went. “It was awful,” he said. “Right before they started, the doctor came in and said ‘Alright, time to shred those tubes!’ and made a cutting motion with his hands. I swear I almost passed out right there on the operating table.”
54. My doctor kept referring to my “semen lanes” throughout our vasectomy consultation. At first I corrected him, but eventually I just gave up. As long as he seals the right tubes, he can call them whatever he wants down there!
55. I tried to reassure my nervous friend before his vasectomy. “It’s just a simple snip, over in 5 minutes,” I said. Later, when I saw him bawling after the procedure, I realized there’s nothing simple about getting your scrotum sliced open.
56. I asked my buddy how his vasectomy went. “Terrible,” he said. “Right before starting, the doctor came in and yelled ‘Alright, time to neuter this dog!’ Then he pumped his fist and put on a headband. Let’s just say I didn’t feel very reassured.”
57. My doctor kept calling my vas deferens my “semen highway.” After the 10th time, I finally snapped and said, “Sir, with all due respect, you have got to stop calling it a semen highway!” To which he replied, “Son, you can call ’em what you want, but I’m still blocking your sperm cul-de-sac today.”