Turkey Puns
1. Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!
2. What key won’t open any door? A turkey!
3. Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
4. Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet!
5. What do you get if you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving!
6. What do you call a sleepy turkey? A drowsy gobbler!
7. Why did the turkey cross the road twice? To prove he wasn’t a chicken!
8. Why did the turkey cross the playground? To get to the other slide!
9. What do you call a turkey who’s a fan of classical music? Bach, Bach White!
10. Why don’t you want to be friends with a secretly mean turkey? They talk turkey behind your back!
11. What’s the best dance for a turkey? The turkey trot!
12. Why did the turkey sit on the net? He wanted to be a court jester!
Turkey One-Liners
13. I tried catching fog yesterday but mist.
14. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
15. I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted stairs. He gave me a blank stare.
16. Velcro – what a rip off!
17. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
18. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
19. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
20. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
21. My friend got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
22. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
Best Turkey Jokes
23. A family was getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner. The mom was in the kitchen cooking when she realized she forgot to buy a turkey. She asked her husband to run to the store to pick one up. He came back with a live turkey under his arm. His wife was furious. “How am I supposed to cook that?!” she yelled.
The husband calmly said, “Don’t worry honey, this turkey came with instructions.” He set the turkey down, laid out some tools, and yanked out a feather. The turkey jumped up screaming “OW!” and took off running around the house. The husband chased it into the bathroom and yanked out another feather. The turkey screamed “OUCH!” and ran downstairs. The husband followed, yanked out another feather and the turkey screamed “STOP, THAT HURTS!”
Finally the husband caught the turkey, wrestled it to the ground and yelled “See honey, it came with a built in plucker!”
24. A firefighter was working on Thanksgiving Day. He answered a call about a burning turkey. When he arrived on the scene he told the family, “I’m sorry, but your turkey is a total loss.” To which the family replied, “Well that’s okay, we were going to eat out anyway!”
25. On Thanksgiving Day, little Timmy went up to his grandmother and tugged on her shirt. “Granny, I heard that turkey’s are so stupid that they look up at the rain and drown. Is this true?” he asked. His grandma replied, “No dear, that’s just a myth!”
26. The day before Thanksgiving, a thief snuck into a turkey farm and stole a bunch of turkeys. The farmer noticed the missing turkeys and called the sheriff. When the sheriff arrived and asked what happened, the farmer said, “It looks like a theft of more than fowl play!”
27. A family was having Thanksgiving dinner. The turkey took longer to cook than they expected. When the dad finally sat down to carve it, he stood up immediately saying, “That turkey burnt my knife!” Of course no one believed him, so he tried again and said “That turkey burned my fork!” Still no one believed him. Frustrated, he stuck his hand in and yelled “Ouch, that turkey burned my finger!” His wife rolled her eyes, saying “Oh please, now you’re just hamming it up!”
28. Billy came downstairs crying on Thanksgiving morning. His mom asked what was wrong. Billy whimpered, “We were playing football outside and the turkey next door kicked our ball into the swamp!” His mom stared at him and said, “Sweetie, turkeys can’t kick, they don’t have legs.” Billy cried, “Mom, I swear the turkey picked it up and kicked it with his wing, he has a really strong wing kick!” His mom sighed. Billy would just have to learn the hard way that turkeys can’t kick stuff over fences.
29. A turkey farmer was hauling a truckload of turkeys to the market the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. He stopped at a red light and waited. When the light turned green, the truck didn’t move. The frustrated drivers behind him started honking. The farmer stuck his head out the window and yelled, “Don’t honk at me, I’m just the driver. Talk to those gobblers in the back if you want this truck to move!”
30. On Thanksgiving Day, little Susie bowed her head and said grace before the family began eating. “Dear God, thank you for our yummy turkey roasted golden brown. Thank you for the stuffing, mashed potatoes too, and grandma’s homemade pumpkin pie. Thank you that we can all be here together, especially my baby turkey Tito. Bless his little feathered heart. Amen!” Susie’s parents looked at each other confused, then asked who Tito was. Susie smiled and said, “He’s my pet turkey of course! He lives in the backyard.”
31. A man was picking out a frozen turkey at the grocery store for Thanksgiving. He couldn’t find one big enough for his large family gathering. Finally an employee offered to check the back freezer for a bigger bird. He came back shivering, saying “I found one so huge, it must have been raised on steroids! When it saw me, it jumped off the shelf and punched me right in the face! Then it ran away. That is one angry, giant turkey!”
32. Josh asked his friend Dave, “What are you doing for Thanksgiving this year?” Dave answered, “Nothing special, having dinner with my family as usual. What about you?” Josh replied, “I’m going to have a traditional turkey, with all the fixings. The stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and plenty of gravy. Yum!” Dave raised an eyebrow and said, “So you’re basically having a meal centered around what is essentially a giant chicken?” Josh nodded and said, “Yeah, when you put it that way, it does sound kind of weird.”
33. A group of turkeys were talking before Thanksgiving. One of them said, “I have a bad feeling about tomorrow…” The other turkeys tried to cheer him up, saying “Don’t worry, it will just be a regular day,” and “There’s no need to be anxious.” The doubtful turkey responded, “I know you guys mean well, but I can’t shake this feeling that tomorrow is going to be catastrophic.”
34. On Thanksgiving Day, a grandma was cooking turkey with her grandkids. One of them asked “Why do we eat turkey on Thanksgiving?” The grandma replied “Well on the first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims didn’t have enough food so they had to hunt wild turkeys.” The kid considered this and said “I know turkeys are kind of dumb, but I’ll bet they weren’t smiling on that first Thanksgiving.”
35. A family sat down for Thanksgiving dinner. The dad started carving the turkey when suddenly the turkey jumped up, ripped off its skin costume, and yelled, “You’ll never get me!” Then the turkey ran out of the house at full speed. The family was shocked. The mom remarked, “Wow, I guess that’s why they call it cold turkey!”
36. Tom was enjoying his family’s annual Thanksgiving gathering when his uncle Ron came up to him with a mischievous grin. Ron said “I just stuffed that turkey’s cavity with TNT and set it to explode!” Tom laughed at the absurd joke, but his face quickly changed to horror when Ron pulled out a detonator. Tom shouted “Ron, NO!” But it was too late. Ron pushed the button, and boom – Tom was hit in the face with stuffing.
37. On Thanksgiving morning, Tyler woke up super excited for his grandma’s famous pumpkin pie. He rushed to the kitchen but was devastated to see the burnt pie sitting on the counter. Tyler cried “Noooo, grandma!” His grandma chuckled and said “Don’t worry dear, that was just the leftover pie from last year. I baked you a fresh one already.” Tyler felt relieved and gave his clever grandma a big hug.
38. The day before Thanksgiving, a man went hiking and stumbled upon a flock of turkeys. He was surprised when one of the turkeys walked up to him and said in perfect English, “How do you do, sir? Lovely day for a hike.” The man was amazed. “You can talk!” The turkey ruffled his feathers proudly and said, “Yes indeed, all us turkeys can talk. You humans just never take the time to listen.” The man thought for a moment, then said “If you turkeys are so smart, why do you let us eat you on Thanksgiving?” The turkey’s eyes widened and he gulped “um, excuses me sir, I suddenly remembered I have an important turkey meeting to attend!” And he ran away fast as he could.
39. On Thanksgiving morning, a mom instructed her husband to get a 20 pound turkey from the butcher shop. He came back with a tiny 2 pound bird. The mom said angrily, “This turkey is way too small!” The husband shrugged. “When I told the butcher I wanted a 20 pound turkey, he asked if I wanted a male or female bird. I didn’t know it mattered, so I just said female and I guess that’s why this one is so petite.”
40. Sam was excited to celebrate his first Thanksgiving with his girlfriend Nicole and her family. He wanted to make a good impression, but was worried about all the new traditions. Before the big meal, Nicole elbowed Sam and whispered “Pay attention, my dad always says something before he carves the turkey.” Sam watched and listened as Nicole’s dad stood up and announced “Before I carve this bird, I just want to take a moment to honor it. This noble creature has made the ultimate sacrifice so that we may gather in good health and enjoy this feast.” Sam thought that was a nice, respectful gesture. He made a mental note to compliment Nicole’s dad on his speech if he gets the chance.
41. On Thanksgiving Day, the turkey farmer went out to feed his flock. He wanted to give them an extra treat since this would be their last day on earth. As he scattered corn for the birds to peck at, he sadly said “Enjoy this while you can gals, your goose is cooked come tomorrow.” The turkeys gobbled nervously.
42. A turkey was sitting at the dinner table on Thanksgiving Day, waiting nervously to be served as the main course. As the farmer came over holding a carving knife, the turkey had an idea. He pointed and shouted “Hey, what’s that guy doing to your wife?!” When the farmer turned to look, the turkey jumped up and made a break for the door, sprinting to freedom.
43. A family bought a live turkey to cook for Thanksgiving. Right before they were about to kill it, the daughter adopted it as a pet and gave it a name. On Thanksgiving day, the turkey gobbled nervously as the girl hugged him, saying “Don’t worry Lucky, we would never hurt you because now you’re part of the family!” The parents didn’t have the heart to cook Lucky, so they ordered pizza for their Thanksgiving dinner instead.
