Succulent Puns
1. What do you call a sleepy succulent? A nap-tus!
2. Why was the succulent plant so popular at the party? It was the life of the cactus!
3. How does a succulent stay connected? Through its wifi-ber!
4. What did the succulent say when it was time for bed? Aloe vera tired!
5. Why don’t succulents like rodeos? They’re afraid of getting lassoed!
6. How do succulents pay their bills? With aloe-mony!
7. Why do succulents make good lawyers? They know how to root out the truth!
8. What’s a succulent’s favorite candy? Jelly beans…because they’re succu-lent!
9. How did the succulent win the race? It made a prickly sprint to the finish!
10. Why don’t succulents need to call Uber? They already have cactus!
Succulent One-Liners
11. My succulent is so dramatic…it’s a real drama-llama!
12. I entered my succulent in a beauty pageant but it didn’t win…it lacks chloro-phyl!
13. Ever since getting a succulent I feel like I’m constantly walking on egg-shells.
14. My succulent is such a couch potato, it just succu-laze around all day.
15. I caught my succulent cheating on me with another plant…I guess it found grass that was greener.
16. My succulent identifies as a cactus but it just doesn’t have the prickly personality.
17. I told my succulent to get a job but it said it didn’t have the credentials. No chloro-phyl, no work!
18. My succulent is rebelling against me by blasting heavy metal music all day. I think it’s going through its emo phase.
19. I wanted to take my succulent on vacation but it said it would rather just stay-cation.
20. My succulent is such a bad houseplant, it keeps cactus-ing trouble!
Best Succulent Jokes
21. Last week my succulent Carlos was looking a little droopy so I took him to the plant doctor. The doctor examined Carlos for a few minutes before looking up grimly. “I’m afraid your succulent is suffering from severe dehydration,” he said. “If he doesn’t get water soon, I’m afraid he won’t make it.” I clutched Carlos close to my chest and sobbed, begging the doctor to save him. The doctor shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but the only cure for dehydration is water and you haven’t given Carlos any in weeks. He just can’t survive like this.” I glared at the doctor angrily. “What kind of quack are you?” I shouted. “Everyone knows succulents like Carlos don’t need much water to survive!” I dramatically snatched up my succulent and stormed out, muttering about finding a new plant doctor.
22. I was excited to show my friend Evelyn my new pet succulent, Steve. When she came over, I proudly presented Steve in his new ceramic pot. “Wow,” Evelyn said, giving Steve a puzzled look. “You know succulents are plants, right?” I rolled my eyes. “Of course I know that!” I said defensively. “But Steve is different.” I leaned in and whispered loudly, “He can talk.” Evelyn raised her eyebrows. “Oh really?” she said. Just then, I pushed Steve towards her and made him say in a high-pitched voice, “Hi Evelyn, I’m Steve! It’s nice to meet you!” Evelyn burst out laughing. “You’re crazy!” she said, shaking her head. I gasped dramatically. “Don’t listen to her, Steve,” I said, petting his leaves. “I believe in you.” Steve just sat there silently. Evelyn patted my shoulder. “Maybe get some more sleep,” she suggested as she saw herself out. I just shrugged. I knew me and Steve would show her someday.
23. I was browsing at a local nursery when I came across a particularly grumpy looking succulent. “Hey little guy, why the long leaves?” I asked playfully. The succulent turned away, unamused by my joke. Just then, his friend leaned over and whispered loudly, “Don’t mind him, he’s been a little prickly ever since the cactus he had a crush on started dating a snake plant. He’s convinced they have no chemistry.” I nodded sympathetically. The grumpy succulent crossed his leaves and glared. “She’s just going to end up getting hurt. Everyone knows cacti and snake plants don’t mix well.” He shook his head. “I tried to warn her but she won’t listen. Now I’m destined to be aloe vera-lonely forever!” He looked so downcast that I had to buy him just to cheer him up. Maybe my other succulents could help him get over his broken leaf!
24. I was heading into the botanical gardens when I spotted a miserable looking succulent sitting by itself next to the path. Concerned, I approached it and asked what was wrong. The little succulent looked up at me with teary eyes. “All the other plants ignore me and say I’m too boring. They only want to play with the pretty flowers.” Sniffling, he continued, “I try to remind them that succulents have unique qualities, but they just laugh and call me prickly.” Kneeling down, I picked up the depressed succulent and gave him a pep talk. “Don’t listen to those bullies. Succulents like you have so much to offer! You can thrive in hot, dry climates while delicate flowers wilt. You’re the perfect low maintenance plant. And who cares if you aren’t flashy and colorful? Your simple, subtle beauty is enough.” The succulent’s expression brightened a little. “You really think so?” he asked. “I know so!” I replied. Feeling encouraged, the little succulent held his leaves up high as I carried him into the gardens, where hopefully he would find some nicer plant friends.
25. Stuart the succulent had always dreamed of entering the annual county plant show and finally winning that coveted blue ribbon. But Stuart had a secret – he didn’t actually have any impressive flowers or interesting colors like all the previous plant winners. He was just, well, a plain old green succulent. The day of the show arrived and Stuart looked around at the dazzling roses and exquisite orchids, feeling hopelessly outclassed. He reluctantly took his spot on the exhibition table, sure he had no chance. The judges carefully inspected each plant, scribbling down notes and nodding. Finally, they reached Stuart. “What an elegant simplicity,” one judge said, observing Stuart’s neatly arranged leaves. “And so resilient and low maintenance,” the other added appreciatively. The judges smiled at Stuart and awarded him…the coveted blue ribbon! Stuart beamed, realizing you don’t have to be the brightest or the flashiest to be beautiful and worthy.
26. Sheryl was browsing the plant nursery, looking for some new greenery to liven up her apartment. As she wandered through the succulent section, one particularly adorable plant caught her eye. The little succulent had chubby leaves clustered together like a rosette and an endearing lopsided tilt to it. “You’re so cute!” Sheryl exclaimed, picking it up. She inspected the tag. “Cece the succulent, huh? I think I’ll call you Celia instead. It’s nicer.” The newly christened Celia seemed to beam at her new name. Sheryl brought Celia home, making sure to give her the perfect sunny spot by the window. She even sang Celia soothing folk songs while watering her once a week. A few weeks later, all of Celia’s leaves suddenly fell off, leaving just a stem. Sheryl gasped. “Celia! What happened?” She frantically checked the soil, drainage and sunlight. Everything seemed right. Finally, she noticed the tag. “Oops, my bad, Cece is a hibiscus, not a succulent. She probably hated my neglect!” Sheryl sheepishly went back to the nursery for a proper succulent this time.
27. I decided to join a local succulent club to make friends who shared my spiky leafed plant obsession. At the first meeting, I was surprised to see the leader, Ronald, had no succulents at all in his home. In fact, every plant was a fern, orchid or other moisture loving variety. As Ronald droned on about proper soil pH for succulents, I raised my hand. “Ronald, if you don’t actually have any succulents, why did you start a succulent club?” Ronald blushed bright red as the other members murmured to each other awkwardly. “Well..uh…I just admire succulent gardens so much and..wanted to learn more,” he stammered unconvincingly. Just then, a woman named Marisol stood up with an angry glare. “Ronald, did you just make up this whole succulent charade to meet vulnerable single ladies?” The room gasped. Ronald started sweating. “N-no, I would never–” Marisol cut him off. “Save it. Ladies, let’s start our own club and leave this pathetic fake succulent lover behind.” We grabbed our purses and marched out indignantly as Ronald begged us not to go. He just couldn’t trick us thorny women!