Stone Puns
- What do you call a crazy rock? A psycho-path!
- Why was the rock climber so tired? They took the stone steps.
- Why do stones make good politicians? They take hard stances.
- What do you call a stone that skips class? A skipping stone!
- Why did the stone get cut from the statue? It just didn’t make the cut.
- Did you hear about the new stone workout craze? It’s called the rolling stone!
- Why did the stone cross the road? To get to the other slide.
- What do you call cheese that’s made from stones? Rock-a-fella!
- Why don’t stones like getting wet? Because they take ages to dry!
- Where do stones go to relax? The spa, to get a rock massage!
Stone One-Liners
- I tried to tell my jewelry some rock jokes, but it didn’t appreciate my geode humor.
- When rocks are sad do they get stoned?
- What happens to naughty rocks? They get gravelly voices from all the yelling.
- Why did the rock star feel depressed? They hit rock bottom.
- My friend couldn’t believe I spent so much on a rock, but for me diamonds aren’t shale-ter!
- What do you call someone who studies rocks? A geology geek.
- Why was the archaeologist so excited? They hit stone-age paydirt!
- Did you hear about the new fashion trend called crystalline couture? It rocks!
- Why do stones make the best therapists? They know how to get to the rock bottom of your problems.
- What happens when two rocks get in a fight? It’s a stone cold war.
Best Stone Jokes
- One day a man walked into an enchanting cave and discovered piles of sparkling stones everywhere. He excitedly stuffed his pockets full of the prettiest ones and rushed home to show his wife. But when he pulled them out, she screamed “Those aren’t diamonds, they’re just rocks!” Moral of the story? Don’t take things for granite.
- A woman went to a gem shopping channel to buy a beautiful diamond necklace being shown on TV. She quickly ordered one and excitedly waited for it to arrive. When the mail came, she eagerly opened the package only to find a cheap plastic necklace with fake little stones on it. Furious, she called up the channel and yelled “These aren’t real diamonds, they’re just tacky plastic stones!” The salesperson paused and replied “I’m very sorry ma’am. But in our defense, we never claimed it was a diamond necklace. We just said it would make you look ‘stone’ cold gorgeous.”
- A husband wanted to buy his wife something special for their anniversary so he went to the jewelry store to look at diamonds. As he was browsing, he spotted a stunning 4 carat diamond ring. He asked the jeweler how much it was, and almost fainted when he heard the price. On his way home, he stopped by the hardware store and bought a bag of gravel. He proudly presented it to his wife and said, “Honey, I got you diamonds this year for our anniversary!” She rolled her eyes and said “Nice try, but I’m not falling for that.” He smiled and said “No really, look closer” and pulled out the massive 4 carat diamond ring. Now she was the one about to faint. Moral of the story? Diamonds in the rough look like gravel at first.
- A proud rock collector had amassed an impressive collection of rare and exotic stones over his lifetime. As he got older, he worried about what would happen to them after he died. He had no family or friends interested in inheriting the stones. One day he had an idea – he could donate them to the local museum! He packed up all the stones and drove over to donate them. However, upon seeing the ramshackle nature of the run-down museum, he changed his mind. Moral of the story? Rare stones don’t belong in a rubble exhibit.
- A young boy was traveling with his parents overseas when they stopped in a small village. The boy saw an old man sitting under a tree, carving small figurines out of stone. He was fascinated and asked the man how he made such beautiful art from plain rocks. The old man smiled and said “I see within every stone a hidden figure waiting to emerge.” Years later, the boy grew up to be a renowned sculptor, bringing to life stunning stone figures thanks to the wisdom he gained that day.
- A mineralogist was exploring a remote mountain range when he came across a cave entrance. Venturing inside, he couldn’t believe his eyes – the cave was filled with massive crystals and sparkling gems beyond his wildest dreams. He started chiseling out the largest crystals to take home. Suddenly, there was a loud rumbling noise and the cave started violently shaking. The mineralogist had accidentally triggered an earthquake by removing the giant stones that were structurally integral to the cave. He ran out just in time as the entire cave collapsed behind him. Moral of the story? Some stones are better left untouched.
- While visiting the ruins of an ancient temple, a tourist saw an old monk meditating nearby. In front of the monk was a large stone slab engraved with some chiseled symbols. Curious, he asked the monk what the strange markings meant. The monk replied “This stone tablet is over 2000 years old. The engravings contain an ancient message of wisdom that has been passed down in this temple through every generation. However, the meaning has been lost to the ages as nobody now understands the ancient language.” The tourist looked closer at the markings and said “Oh I get it – this says ‘Wet Floor.'”
- A wealthy man decided to commission an elaborate stone sculpture to decorate the gardens of his mansion. He hired three master sculptors and set them to the task, paying them handsomely for their work. The first sculptor chiseled an exquisite figure out of granite. The second sculpted a mesmerizing tableau out of onyx. The third simply disappeared with the pile of stones given to him. The wealthy man only cared about getting something for his money, not art for art’s sake. Moral of the story? Don’t take someone for granite if you pay them in advance.
- Tom was a mineral collector who prided himself on his rare specimens. At a convention, he met Fred, who claimed to own a one-of-a-kind stone. Tom scoffed and said it was probably just an ordinary rock. Insulted, Fred produced the stone – it was a breathtaking blue geode, the likes of which Tom had never seen. Ashamed, Tom tried to buy the geode from Fred, pulling out his checkbook and offering any price. But Fred refused to sell. Moral of the story? Don’t take stones for granite until you’ve seen them yourself.
- Tim was hiking through the mountains when he came across a sheer cliff face. He noticed a sparkling vein of crystals running through the rock. Overcome with greed, he got a pickaxe and hacked away at the crystals until they came loose. Too late he realized this vital rock vein was supporting the entire cliff…which was now collapsing right on top of him! Moral of the story? If something looks too precious, just take pictures – leave the stones be.
Stone Puns
- What kind of stone loves to start arguments? The insti-gator rock!
- Why did the rock band break up? Creative dwayne-bouldering.
- How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
- Did you hear about the wedding between two rocks? It was a real stone-binding ceremony!
- What do you call a stone who works as a therapist? A rock doctor!
- Why are precious stones so proud of themselves? They’re gem-nius!
- What’s a rock’s favorite musical genre? Hard rock!
- Why do rocks make great cops? They stay firm under pressure.
- How did the stone win the lawsuit? The evidence was concrete.
- What kind of art does a rock like best? Pet-graffiti.
Stone One-Liners
- I ordered a stone pizza but it was rock hard!
- Don’t take your friend for granite – appreciation rocks!
- My geology professor kept droning on about rocks – his lectures were sedimentary.
- If rocks could talk, they’d probably complain about how stoned they are.
- When I told puns at the geology conference, I got a very stony reaction.
- Rocks may be hard-headed, but they also have a soft side.
- I entered my stone in an art competition but it got dis-qualified.
- Getting philosophical with rocks can really ground you.
- Pet rocks make great listeners because they take nothing for granite.
- My friend got mad when I called his gem collection “stone cold crazy.”
Best Stone Jokes
- An avid geologist traveled through the mountains collecting samples of exotic rocks to add to his collection. He came across a deep ravine and carefully made his way down to a pile of shimmering blue stones at the bottom. As he stuffed his backpack with the rare stones, the pile began to move. The “rocks” turned out to be a camouflaged clan of trolls, who angrily chased the geologist out of their den. He escaped with just a few samples and a valuable lesson – not every stone belongs in a collection.
- A gemstone dealer acquired a huge supply of uncut rough stones. Eagerly, she hired the most skilled stone cutter in town to turn them into dazzling jewels she could sell for a fortune. She began to fantasize about the immense wealth coming her way. A week later, the cutter returned with a bag of polished stones. But when she examined them under a loupe, her heart sank. The cutter had ruined them all with his shoddy faceting! Turns out relying on appearances alone doesn’t cut it in the gem trade.
- John loved to hike and rock climb in areas with beautiful geologic formations. One day, while exploring the rocky badlands of South Dakota, he stopped to admire an ancient stone cliff filled with fossils and crystals. As he leaned in to get a closer look at a fossilized ammonite, the ledge under him gave way. John found himself tumbling down the cliff, rolling over sharp rocks that ripped his clothes and skin. When he finally slid to a stop at the bottom, bruised and bleeding, he had a whole new appreciation for taking the physical properties of rocks seriously.
- Mark was visiting a natural history museum and admired the elaborate mineral exhibits. One exhibit had a huge emerald on display. After the museum closed, Mark’s greed got the better of him. He broke into the museum at night to steal the massive emerald. However, just as he lifted the stone off its base, alarms blared and Mark realized too late the “emerald” was a clever fake with pressure sensors. Now his desire for the stone would leave him trapped behind different bars.
- Amanda went on a blind date with a rugged, outdoorsy guy named Matt. For their first date, he took her to go rock climbing. Although nervous, Amanda put her faith in Matt’s expertise. But when a risky overhanging climb went wrong, Amanda found herself dangling helplessly from the rocks, losing strength fast. Looking up to see if Matt could help her, she saw only the bottoms of his shoes rapidly retreating down the trail. The experience left her bruised inside and out…and without any faith left in Matt’s stone-cold character.
- A Martian couple came to Earth for their anniversary and visited a quaint bed and breakfast. The husband wanted to get his wife something special to mark the occasion. When the wife admired a beautiful blue stone paperweight on the owner’s desk, the Martian secretly took it, thinking it would be a unique Martian souvenir. But later that night, there was a knock on their door. The B&B owner angrily demanded the return of her rare and priceless one-of-a-kind meteorite paperweight! The Martians realized too late that sometimes stones are more precious than they appear.
