Jewish Puns
1. I was going to make a joke about the High Holidays, but I decided to atone for it instead.
2. Did you hear about the new Jewish dating app? It’s called Shadchan Meet.
3. What do you call someone who converts to Judaism just for the jokes? A pun-vert.
4. Why do Jewish mothers make great comedians? Because they always get good schtick from their families.
5. What do you call a sleepy rabbi? A napping Jew!
6. What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer? Ash!
7. What do you call cheese that’s made in Israel? Kosher Dill!
8. Why did the observant Jew win the self-help seminar? He followed all the challahs.
9. What do you call a Jewish holiday that falls on Shabbat? A double matza brei.
10. Why was the Jewish man’s ice cream always kosher? He used a hechsher machine.
Jewish One-Liners
11. I tried to explain a Jewish joke to my Buddhist friend, but he didn’t get the punchline until everything that mattered didn’t.
12. I spent six months in Israel last year. It’s a great place to visit, just don’t order the supersalad.
13. My friend got offended when I made a Jewish joke. But don’t worry, he’ll get over it. We Jews have thick skin.
14. I recently found out I’m 0.2% Jewish. Looks like I’ll be telling 20% more Jewish jokes from now on!
15. Did you hear about the new Jewish-themed restaurant called Mitzvah Food? Their motto is “We catered the Last Supper!”
16. What do Jewish mothers and the mob have in common? They both use guilt to get what they want.
17. I took a Jewish friend to an Italian restaurant, but he kept asking where the milk and meat were separated. C’mon man, indulge a little!
18. My family tried to arrange a Jewish wedding for me but I said “No thanks, I’ll just get married when someone challahs at me.”
19. When I found a dead moth in my matzah ball soup, the waiter said “Don’t worry sir, it’s certainly kosher now!”
20. Did you hear about the new Netflix series about the Jewish warrior? It’s called “Game of Loans.”
Best Jewish Jokes
21. Moshe was sitting in synagogue one day when he noticed his friend Hershel was completely wrapped up in his tallis fast asleep.
“Hershel!”, Moshe whispered loudly. “You can’t sleep here!”
“Shhh I’m not sleeping!”, whispered Hershel from under the tallis, “I’m pretending to be an esrog so I can get shaken!”
22. One day a Jewish man was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.
“Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”
Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
23. A Jewish man was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon an old lamp wedged in the sand. He picked it up and gave it a rub. To his surprise, a genie appeared and granted him one wish.
The man thought for a moment and said, “You know, I’ve always wanted to visit Hawaii but I get seasick very easily on boats. Could you build a bridge from California to Hawaii so I could just drive there?”
The genie was stunned. “That’s impossible, even for a genie! The ocean is far too wide. Pick something else you would like.”
The man thought again and then replied, “Okay, I’ve always wanted to understand women. Can you explain them to me?”
The genie responded, “So you want a bridge with two lanes or four?”
24. One winter morning, a Jewish man was reluctantly shoveling his front sidewalk. He looked up and saw an old lady from the neighborhood approaching. She was carrying a covered dish. As she walked up, she slipped on some ice and the dish flew out of her hands, spilling its contents all over the man’s sidewalk.
“Oy vey,” the man shouted impatiently. “What in heaven’s name are you doing bringing food outside in the winter? And now you’ve ruined my clean sidewalk!”
“I’m so sorry, but it’s just a little kugel I baked for you to be nice,” the lady said apologetically.
The man’s face softened and he said kindly, “Sweet lady, you really shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble just for me.”
The lady looked at him quizzically and replied, “It was no trouble at all. I made it yesterday!”
25. A Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.”
26. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow “oyyy.”
The second takes a deep breath as she sits down and lets out a long exasperated “oyyyy.”
The third woman takes a deep breath as she sits down and says, mostly to herself, “Girls, I thought we agreed we weren’t going to talk about our children.”
27. A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he gets a call from his son.
“Dad I need your advice. I’ve fallen in love with a Christian girl over here, and I want to marry her.”
The father is shocked and says, “This can never work. Think of the children. You’re coming home, we’ll find you a nice Jewish girl.”
After a long discussion, the son finally convinces him this is the real thing. So they discuss it and eventually the father says, “Look, if you really love her and this isn’t a passing thing, then you have my blessing.”
The son is thrilled and says, “Dad you’re the greatest! Just one thing – how can I ever thank you for being so understanding and willing to let me marry a Christian?”
The father says, “Just marry a Christian girl.”
28. A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The Jewish man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.””What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”
The Italian man answered, “My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and my dog turned on her and killed her also.”
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked, “Can I borrow the dog?”
The Italian man replied, “Get in line.”
29. Once there were two Jewish guys, Sol and Abe, who lived in a remote shtetl in Russia. For years and years, all during their childhood and into adulthood, they prayed every day at the wailing wall for the fighting between the Jews and Arabs in Israel to end.
One day, Sol got fed up. “It’s not working, Abe. We’ve been praying every day for years and there’s still violence in the Middle East. I don’t think God is listening.”
But Abe had unshakable faith. “Don’t worry, Sol. God is listening. He just can’t understand our accents.”
30. A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”
The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”
The rabbi is overjoyed. “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
He hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on.
The priest asks, “Aren’t you going to have any?”
The rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll wait for the police.”
31. A Jewish man, Sid, was sitting at a bar, minding his own business when a woman comes up and slaps him right across the face.
“Ow! What was that for?!” Sid exclaims.
The woman replies, “That was for what your people did to my people over 6,000 years ago in Egypt.”
Sid looks at her and says, “Well, that seems hardly fair. I don’t even know you.”
The woman sits down next to Sid and says, “Okay, I apologize. Let me buy you a drink to make it up to you.”
Sid accepts and asks the bartender for another drink. A few minutes later, the woman slaps Sid again!
“What was THAT for?!” Sid angrily asks.
“That was for sinking the Titanic!” says the woman.
Sid is stunned. “Lady, the Titanic sank in 1912. That was over 100 years ago! What does that have to do with me?!”
The woman replies, “Oh, I’m sorry. I just assumed you were older.”
32. A Jewish man is shipwrecked on a small isolated island. For over 10 years he lives alone, surviving on coconuts, fish and crabs. Then one day, a gorgeous woman in a wet suit arrives on a surfboard.
She says to him, “Hi there! How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
The man says, “Ten years!” She gives him a cigarette and he lights up happily.
She then says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink?”
He says, “Ten years!” She gives him a bottle of his favorite schnapps and he cracks it open, taking a long grateful sip.
“And how long has it been since you played around?” she asks seductively.
The man looks at her and replies, “You mean….?”
She nods fetchingly. “Uh huh.”
And he answers, “Oy, what a life!!”
33. Little old Jewish man Moshe was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Moshe: What is that? What is that?! Don’t say “What is that?” say “Who is that?” That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker’s paradise!
The Customs agent laughed and let him through. Arriving at Tel Aviv airport, he was stopped by a custom’s official, who also found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Moshe: What is that? What is that?! Don’t say “What is that?” say “Who is that?” That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he made me wait for this day!
The custom’s official laughed and let him through.
When he arrived at his family’s house in Jerusalem, his cousin saw him unpack the bust.
Cousin: Who is that?
Moshe: Who is that? Who is that?! Don’t say “Who is that?” say “What is that?” That, my friend, is ten pounds of gold!
34. A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the condominium. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ”
The grandmother replied, “What . . . you coming empty handed?”
35. What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
36. The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
“This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
37. Why don’t Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
38. Solly comes home from work one day and finds Miriam, his wife, in tears. “What’s wrong?” he asks.
“Oh, Solly,” she wails. “I’ve been called up for jury service!”