James Bond Puns (10)
1. I was feeling a little under the weather, so I drank some martinis and now I’m feeling shaken, not stirred!
2. Did you hear about the new James Bond movie set in Italy? It’s called From Russia with Lasagna.
3. Why does James Bond eat so many eggs? Because he likes everything scrambled.
4. What do you call James Bond in a jacuzzi? Bubble-oh-seven.
5. James Bond walked into a bar and ordered a martini. The bartender asked, “Shaken or stirred?” Bond replied, “Do I look like I have time to get shaken or stirred?”
6. Why does James Bond hate ordering appetizers? Because he thinks sharing food is odd, job.
7. What do you call James Bond’s trip to the pet store? Licence to Kibble.
8. Did you hear about the new James Bond movie set in a bakery? It’s called From Russia with Loaves.
9. Why did James Bond bring prunes on his mission? For his daily double-oh-seven regularity.
10. What do you call James Bond in a hurry? 008.
James Bond One-Liners (10)
11. The name’s Bond. James Bond. Licensed to chill.
12. My name is Bond. James Bond. I’ll take a martini, shaken not stirred, with a twist.
13. Do I look like I give a flying feather? I’m Bond. James Bond.
14. Call me Bond. James Bond. Could I get that drink on the rocks?
15. Bond’s the name. James Bond. I’ll take a dirty vodka martini, extra olives.
16. I’m Bond. James Bond. Vodka martini, straight up, very dry, lots of olives, shaken not stirred.
17. The name is Bond. James Bond. I’ll take a Vesper Martini, three measures of Gordon’s, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet, shaken over ice, with a thin slice of lemon peel.
18. It’s Bond. James Bond. Make my martini a double, will you?
19. I’m Bond, James Bond. Go heavy on the gin for that martini.
20. My name’s Bond, James Bond. Can I get that martini with Tito’s vodka instead?
Best James Bond Jokes (12)
21. James Bond walked into a bar and took a seat next to a very attractive woman. He looked over at her and said, “Do I make you horny?” She looked him up and down and replied, “No, but you make me feel mildly amused.”
22. James Bond was invited to dinner with the Queen of England. During the meal, he asked her, “Your Majesty, do you have any idea what it’s like to be thought of as the most beautiful woman in England?” She smiled and said, “Why, no, Mr. Bond, I don’t. But I’d imagine it must be much like being thought of as the most powerful man in England.”
23. James Bond went out for lunch and ordered a martini. After drinking it, he noticed a little pieces of olive floating in the glass. He called over the bartender and said, “Excuse me, do you expect me to swallow this or chew it first?”
24. James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive blonde woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” Bond replies, “No, I just wanted to know what time it was when I saw the most beautiful woman in the world.”
25. James Bond is attending a formal dinner party with some friends. The waiter comes by to take drink orders. Bond says, “I’ll have a martini, shaken not stirred.” His friend says, “I’ll take a Manhattan.” The third friend says, “I’ll just have some moscato.” Bond looks incredulous and says, “Shaken AND stirred? That seems excessive!”
26. James Bond is on a new mission in Las Vegas and needs to gamble at the roulette table in order to get closer to the villain. He walks up to the table and bets all his chips on black. The ball lands on red. Bond shrugs and says, “It looks like I’m already in the red with this mission.”
27. James Bond is playing poker in Monte Carlo against Le Chiffre, the sinister private banker funding terrorists. After Le Chiffre wins yet another big hand, Bond quips, “If you’re trying to unsettle me, you’ll have to do better than smiling and sweating slightly.”
28. James Bond is tied up in the villain’s lair. The lead henchman laughs and says, “Well, Mr. Bond, this is an unexpected twist, isn’t it? Any last requests before you die?” Bond replies, “Why yes, could you scratch my nose? It’s really itching right now.”
29. James Bond is dared to do 7 shots in a row at the bar. After he finishes, he triumphantly slams down the last glass and announces, “My name is Bond…James B-Bllaaauugghhh!” before vomiting all over the floor.
30. James Bond wakes up in his hotel room to find a beautiful woman lying next to him under the sheets. He turns to her and slyly says, “So, do I need to renew my auto insurance or not?”
31. James Bond is tied to a pipe while the villain explains his evil plans for taking over the world. The villain concludes his monologue by saying, “And now, Mr. Bond, you will die!” Bond replies sarcastically, “Gee, that sounds fantastic. But first, could I maybe use the restroom? This pipe is digging into my bladder something fierce.”
32. James Bond bursts into the casino, walks straight through the high stakes poker game, grabs the martini out of a customer’s hand, chugs it, then places the glass back on the table. “Sorry chap, MI6 business. Carry on.”