68 Funny Hand sanitizer Jokes

Hand Sanitizer Puns (20)

1. I asked my friend if he had any hand sanitizer, he said “Sorry, my hands are clean at the moment!”
2. My hands were looking rough, so I bought some extra smooth hand sanitizer to help soften them up.
3. Did you hear about the germ that was obsessed with hand sanitizer? He had an alcohol problem!
4. I entered my hand sanitizer in a beauty pageant. It won Miss Hygiene!
5. Want to hear a joke about hand sanitizer? Never mind, 99% of you won’t get it.
6. My hand sanitizer started telling dad jokes. It said “I used to be alcohol, but now I’m a gel!”
7. I accidentally bought minty hand sanitizer. Now my hands have a cool, refreshing feeling.
8. We should build a theme park based on hand sanitizer. We could call it “Purell World.”
9. My hand sanitizer is very clingy. It’s always begging me not to leave without it.
10. I’m writing a song about hand sanitizer. It has a killer hook and very catchy choruses.
11. Did you hear about the germaphobe who drank a whole bottle of hand sanitizer? He ended up in the ICU.
12. My hand sanitizer thinks it’s royalty. It calls itself the “Duke of Germ Warfare.”
13. I accidentally bought bacon scented hand sanitizer. Now my hands smell delicious!
14. Did you hear about the new TV show called “CSI: Hand Sanitizer Unit”? It focuses on cleaning up crime scenes.
15. I entered my hand sanitizer into a talent competition. Its specialty was making germs disappear.
16. My hand sanitizer started rapping. Its lyrics were clean but its beats were pretty sick.
17. Did you hear about the hand sanitizer with performance anxiety? It got stage freight.
18. I’m writing an inspirational biography about my hand sanitizer’s journey to destroy germs.
19. My hand sanitizer thinks it can lead an army into battle against germs. It calls itself “General Disinfectant.”

Hand Sanitizer One-Liners (15)

21. My hand sanitizer is so effective, germs take one look at it and run away screaming!
22. I rely on my hand sanitizer to get me out of sticky situations.
23. My hand sanitizer is so strong it makes germs disappear faster than a magician.
24. Germs spread faster than rumors in high school when my hand sanitizer’s not around.
25. My hand sanitizer works so fast, I can almost see the germs jumping off my hands.
26. Need a bouncer for your next germ party? Hire my hand sanitizer.
27. 98.6 degrees? Not on my watch, says my hand sanitizer.
28. My hand sanitizer is germ repellent in a bottle.
29. Germs take one sniff of my hand sanitizer and cry “Mama!”
30. 99 problems but germs ain’t one, thanks to my trusty hand sanitizer.
31. My hand sanitizer doesn’t play around when it comes to annihilating germs.
32. My hand sanitizer puts Mike Tyson’s punch out skills to shame.
33. Germs fear my hand sanitizer more than I fear public restrooms.
34. Call 911, my hand sanitizer just brutally murdered all the germs on my hands!
35. Chuck Norris approved my hand sanitizer as the official germ-killing solution.

Best Hand Sanitizer Jokes (33)

36. Last time I forgot to bring hand sanitizer with me to the public bathroom, people started calling me Germy McGrossHands! Now I never leave home without a little bottle of germ protection.
37. I was running late to work the other day when I realized I forgot hand sanitizer. I turned that car around so fast – no way was I going to face my germaphobic boss with germy paws!
38. My friend bought cranberry scented hand sanitizer which I made fun of… but then I tried it and immediately got hooked. Now my hands smell fruity and germ-free!
39. I’m convinced my hand sanitizer is racist against germs. Anytime they get near it, the hand sanitizer starts shouting “Get off my hands!” and chasing them away.
40. Last time I tried borrowing my sister’s hand sanitizer, she hissed at me like Gollum protecting the One Ring. Now I know better than to get between that girl and her Precious germ killer!
41. Growing up, my parents refused to buy me candy so I used to sneak sips of hand sanitizer when they weren’t looking. To this day I still crave that tingly ethanol aftertaste.
42. When I was little I asked Santa for my own personal bottle of hand sanitizer. Suffice to say I was the least popular kid that year when everyone else got new toys and I got germ protection.
43. My buddy takes his hand sanitizer so seriously he trains with it every day. He calls it “waxing on, waxing off” but I think he just has OCD.
44. I took my hand sanitizer to the county fair last fall and it got so excited about all the germs to kill that it nearly foamed out of its bottle! I had to calm it down before it caused a scene.
45. Last time I tried making hand sanitizer jelly sandwiches my mom grounded me for a week. Apparently “germs are not food” but what does she know about fine cuisine?
46. When I was in college I had a hand sanitizer collection that covered my entire dorm wall. Let’s just say I didn’t get invited on many dates…
47. For April Fool’s Day I replaced my sister’s hand sanitizer with lube. She went the whole day killing 99.9% of germs the fun way!
48. When I was a kid I pretended my hand sanitizer was a laser gun that could evaporate germs. “Pew pew pew!” I’d shout, eliminating all the microscopic bad guys in my path.
49. Last Halloween I dressed up my hand sanitizer as a medieval knight ready for battle. Sir Sanitizes-A-Lot didn’t get as much candy as I hoped.
50. I took my hand sanitizer to a New Year’s Eve party once. By midnight it was so wasted off fumes and germs it could barely stand up straight in its bottle.
51. For my hand sanitizer’s birthday I got it a little bottle of baby wipes to go clubbing with. Those crazy kids partied so hard with all the bathroom germs!
52. When Netflix and Chill is life but germs give you hives, you learn to bring your own personal bottle of “sexy sanitizer” wherever romance awaits!
53. They say too much hand sanitizer can dry out your skin, but I moisturize with the tears of all the germs it brutally annihilates.
54. When the coronavirus pandemic hit, my hand sanitizer finally felt like a star as it got called up from the minor leagues. Its dreams of going pro came true!
55. Sometimes when I’m bored I’ll set up little germ wrestling matches between my different hand sanitizers to see who kills microbes the fastest.
56. My hand sanitizer’s New Year resolution was to cleanse the world of germs once and for all. So far it has sanitized 0.00000000001% of all known surfaces – but it refuses to be discouraged!
57. Last time I was at the county fair, I let my baby cousin eat some cotton candy off hands I just sanitized. His mom yelled at me when his face broke out in hives thanks to “too much efficiency against germs.”
58. When I was in rehab they had to take my hand sanitizer away cause I kept getting drunk off the fumes when no one was looking. Four years sober but I still feel the itch anytime someone sneezes near me.
59. When I first discovered bath and body works seasonal hand sanitizer scents I bought so many fruity bottles my roommates staged an intervention. But winter candy apple kills germs so good!
60. Does my hand sanitizer really kill 99.99% of germs? Let’s just say I’m still waiting to meet that 0.01% brave enough to withstand its lethal power.
61. Last time I took my hand sanitizer to a rave it glowed under black light showing all the germ bloodstains from countless microscopic murders.
62. I rely on my hand sanitizer so much the only pickup line I need at bars is “Hey baby, wanna kill some germs?”
63. When I was unemployed last year, I read my hand sanitizer bottle’s ingredients list so often I could recite that thing like a preacher quoting scripture. Ethanol and isopropyl alcohol will forever be etched into my brain next to John 3:16!
64. Rumor has it Purell hand sanitizer is working on a new formula targeting the most elusive germ of all: Cooties. Playgrounds and elementary schools nationwide eagerly await this development.
65. Last time my friend went abroad, customs confiscated her entire suitcase…full of hand sanitizers. Turns out there’s a limit to how much imported germ-killing liquid you can bring into the country!