Hand Puns
1. I’m not very handy when it comes to DIY projects. I guess you could say I’m all thumbs.
2. My friend got a tattoo of a hand on his hand. I asked him why and he said, “I got it so I’ll always have a handhand.”
3. Did you hear about the thief who stole a shipment of hands? Police are looking for the hand handler.
4. I was feeling extra grateful for my hands today. You could say I was pretty hand-thankful.
5. The palm reader asked to see my hands, but I refused. I didn’t want her to read too much into things.
6. I visited the wax museum and saw a sculpture of two hands shaking. It was a nice hand-to-hand combat scene.
7. I entered the hand model search contest, but didn’t make it past the first round. I guess I don’t have what it hands takes.
8. My friend got hired at the hand sanitizer factory. He says the work is hands-on and he gets to rub elbows with a lot of interesting people.
9. Did you hear about the mobster who broke his hand? He went to the hospital and made them an offer they couldn’t hand refuse.
10. I was going to make a joke about hands, but decided not to. I didn’t want to wave it around too much.
11. Did you hear about the high-end jewelry store that only sells hand accessories? It’s very successful and caters to a hand-selected clientele.
12. I ordered a roast chicken meal, but when it arrived, it was just two roasted hands. I sent it back and told the waiter there had clearly been a hand-out error.
13. Did you hear about the bakery specializing in hand-shaped pastries? Their slogan is “You’re in good hands with us!”
14. Why don’t palms ever get sunburned? Because they’re shady characters.
15. What do you call a second hand on a watch? A hand-me-down.
16. Broken wrists are no handshake for some people.
17. What do you call a hand wearing a glove? An undercover hand.
18. What do you call a germ on your hand? A hand-icap.
19. Did you hear about the new upscale restaurant with a hand washing theme? It caters hand and foot to its guests.
20. Did you hear about the mob boss who cut off people’s hands if they didn’t pay their debts? Police finally caught the loan hand shark.
Hand One-Liners
21. I’m so bad at handwriting analysis that I can’t even read my own handwriting.
22. I was going to make a hand puppet but I didn’t have the hand-eye coordination for it.
23. I entered a handstand competition but didn’t have a leg to stand on.
24. Don’t worry if you have sweaty hands, at least you’ll always have a firm handshake!
25. I’d tell you a joke about hands, but it’s a bit slapstick.
26. I was going to high-five you, but I don’t want to get hands-y.
27. If you have talented hands, never keep them idle.
28. So many hands, so few opportunities for a manicure.
29. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, but nibbling is ok.
30. I’m ambidextrous – I can mess things up equally well with both hands!
31. I was going to start a palm reading business but I didn’t have the hands-on skills.
32. Don’t clap your hands if you have no rhythm. Just do a jazz handwave.
33. I entered a handwriting competition but my cuneiform was rusty.
34. I can wave hello equally well with either hand. I’m amphibidextrous.
35. I was going to high-five you ironically, but my hand was caught in a meme.
36. I was going to start a lucrative career as a hand model but I have ugly cuticles.
37. Call me old-fashioned but I think the left hand should know what the right hand is doing.
38. Do these gloves make my hands look big?
Best Hand Jokes
39. I asked the surgeon if I could keep the skin they removed from my hand. He said, “I’m not sure if you can handle it.”
40. Did you hear about the angry poker player? He lost a hand and went off on a finger-pointing rant.
41. I entered a handstand competition but didn’t place. I felt defeated so I went and sulked in the corner. It was quite the palm-tree pose.
42. Did you hear about the palm reader who went out of business? She didn’t see it coming.
43. Did you hear about the man with a foot fetish who had his feet surgically replaced with hands? Now he has a hand-foot problem.
44. Why are skeleton hands so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
45. My friend got hauled into the police station for stealing a shipment of hands. But it turned out to just be a big misunderhanding.
46. Did you hear about the mobster who broke both his hands? He couldn’t point fingers anymore so his whole operation came crumbling down.
47. I told my date her hands are gorgeous. She said “Oh stop, you’re just hand-some.” Then she grabbed my hands and said “But these are pretty hand-some too.”
48. Did you hear about the special handshake that mobsters use? It’s called the friend of a friend of a hand shake.
49. I was in an arm wrestling match and my opponent said, “Prepare to eat hand!” I said “Oh yeah? You and what army??” Then I looked down and it was just his giant muscular hand.
50. Did you hear about the fight club for hands? Members have to join hands to get in.
51. What do you call someone who studies hands? A palm-ologist.
52. Did you hear about the hand that got famous and let it go to their fingers? They became a real palm celebrity.
53. I entered a handstand competition but got nervous and lost my grip. I went from handstand to understand in seconds flat!
54. What do you call a high five between two left hands? A left-left handed high five.
55. I was going to tell a hand pun but I decided to palm it off until later.
56. Did you hear about the mobster who wore jewelry on every finger? He really liked hand bling.
57. What do you call a declawed cat? An unhandy feline.
58. Did you hear about the handmaid who moonlighted as a palm reader? She worked hands-on jobs.
59. I tried to start a lucrative career as a hand double for movies but turns out I’m not cut hand for the job.
60. What do you call a high-end watch with hands made of gold? A golden hand opportunity.
61. Did you hear about the swindler with fast hands? He made a killing at three card monhand.
62. I was going to make a hand shadow puppet of a duck, but I just didn’t have the hand-eye coordination for it.
63. What do you call a high five between two right hands? A right-right handed high five.
64. What do you call a clap between three hands? A hand-some bunch of applause.
65. Did you hear about the mob boss who cut off pinky fingers if people disappointed him? He ran a real pinky ring.
66. What do you call a dinosaur with big hands? A hand-isaur.
67. Did you hear about the angry hand who wouldn’t come out of his fist? He was curled up in a bit of a hand knot.
68. Did you hear about the mobster who could only communicate by waving his hands around? Police finally caught the sign language ganhandster.
69. Knock knock. Who’s there? Handy. Handy who? Handy me that wrench, these pipes won’t fix themselves!
70. Why don’t eggs need hands? Because they can beat themselves!
71. What do Alexander the Great and I have in common? We both have great hands.
72. Why don’t palms sweat? Because they have dirty hands!
73. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody nose!