What do you call a countertop that holds back information? A counter-intelligence!
Why was the countertop hired by the baseball team? It was good at catching spills!
I asked my countertop what time it was. It said, “What, you expect me to keep count too?!”
What did the countertop say to the cabinet? “Nice to meet you, I’m the counter part!”
Did you hear about the countertop that entered the limbo contest? It was below the counter!
Our old countertop kept falling apart. I guess you could say it was having a counter breakdown.
I caught my countertop stealing things. Now I have to keep count of everything in the kitchen.
What do you call a countertop that’s also a farm animal? A counter cow!
My new kitchen has a talking countertop. It’s very counter productive.
Our broken countertop led to spilled food everywhere. You could say it really counted us out.
The hardware store has countertops on sale for cheap. You might say they have counter offers!
Countertop One-Liners
I made my countertop out of marble today…it has me counterweighted.
My new countertop came with free counters, I guess you could say it was counter intuitive.
Couldn’t find my keys this morning, turns out my countertop was counterfeiting them!
Tried to get my countertop its own social media account, but it kept getting counter blocked.
Bought my countertop at Ikea today, the instructions were very counter productive.
Couldn’t fall asleep last night with my countertop loudly counting sheep!
Made the mistake of playing hide and seek with my countertop, took forever to counter find it.
Taught my countertop how to dance today, its counterswaying needs some work though.
Got frustrated with my countertop when it couldn’t make up its countermind.
Who knew countertops could be so counter cultural, mine just listens to underground indie music all day.
Went to the circus and saw countertops riding elephants and counter balancing, it was wild!
Baked my famous blueberry pie today but my countertop ate the whole counter mix before I could even pour it.
Best Countertop Jokes
Last week my wife was complaining about how cluttered our countertops were, so I decided to go out and buy some organizational containers to help clean things up. I picked up a nice set with some turntables and slides to better utilize the space. When I got home, I showed my wife and explained how we could arrange everything to keep the counters cleared off. She looked at me like I was crazy and said, “Why don’t we just put things away properly instead of overcomplicating it?” I guess you could say my counter storage solutions completely counter served their purpose!
The other day I was looking for a nice bottle of wine to have with dinner, but when I went into the kitchen I saw the bottle was gone. Then I noticed some red stains around the edges of the countertop near where I left it. I said out loud, “Alright, which one of you counters stole the wine this time?”
I recently had some guests staying over at my place for a few nights. They kept complaining about the guest bedroom countertop being too cluttered with hotel-style toiletries and amenities I had set out. Trying to be a good host, I went ahead and cleared everything off the counters for them. But the next morning they were furious, saying they had no space for their own personal items now. I guess I counter acted too quickly!
My wife and I were looking to renovate our dated kitchen, so we had some contractors come give us quotes to replace the floors and countertops. After getting estimates from a few different companies, we felt pretty overwhelmed with all the options and prices. So I said to my wife, “Honey, be honest… given all these countert options, is this really the counter culture we want to buy into? We have some counter considering to do.”
I recently bought a foreclosed home that had clearly not been maintained well by the previous owners. The countertops were covered in grime and old food stains. As I was scrubbing them down with some heavy duty cleaner, I noticed some weird marks carved into edges. On closer inspection, they turned out to be elaborate tic-tac-toe scoreboards scratched into the surface over time. I thought to myself, well at least I know the counters played games to pass the time!
Last night during dinner prep, my niece asked if she could help out in the kitchen. I said sure and had her stand by the countertop to peel some carrots over the compost bin. A few minutes later, I glanced over and saw a huge pile of perfectly peeled carrots laying on the counter – she had filled the whole bin with peelings already! When I asked her what happened, she said, “Oh sorry, I was too focused on the carrots I counter missed the compost part.”
I recently hired a new kitchen cleaning service recommended by my neighbors. Everything seemed fine at first, but when I got home after their first cleaning I was horrified – my beautiful granite countertops were all duct taped over with plastic drop cloths! There were even strips taped along all the edges and corners. Outraged, I called the company to complain. They apologized profusely and explained that the new trainee they sent to my house tends to “over-counter” when she gets nervous about messing things up.
My wife loves decorating our home and is constantly rearranging things. This week she decided our kitchen countertop appliances like the toaster, coffee maker, and mixer needed to be hidden away when not in use. So she bought coordinated apothecary jars, canisters, and storage bins to tuck everything into. Problem is, now I can never find what I need! The toaster is always counter stashed somewhere new, the mixer is counter sunk in some corner cabinet, etc. I spend half my morning hunting around just trying to make breakfast.
I recently bought my best friend a kitchen mixer and food processor combo for her birthday. I had it beautifully wrapped up on the countertop waiting when she came over later that day. But as soon as she saw it, she burst out crying rather than looking happy. Confused, I asked what was wrong. She explained that she had actually just ordered the exact same mixer online as a gift for HER mom’s birthday next week. So now we both counter copied each other accidentally with the same gift idea. What a crazy coincidence!
My teenage kids are always looking for creative ways to disguise messes rather than actually cleaning them up. The other day I caught my son trying to build a little wall along the countertop out of cereal boxes to block mountain of dirty dishes piled up. When I scolded him and said no barrier was going to counter hide that disaster, he looked at me and said “Can’t blame me for counter acting fast on my feet here!” Gotta give him credit for quick thinking, even if it was ridiculously counter effective.
