Couch Puns
1. I bought a really expensive leather couch last week. It cost a pretty Penny.
2. My new couch is extremely modern and sharp looking. You could say it has a lot of edge.
3. I was feeling drained so I headed straight to my fainting couch to take a nap.
4. The used couch I brought home was full of springs and lumps. It had a lot of cushion miles on it.
5. I decided to reupholster my couch myself to save money. It was a DIY sofa job.
6. I love sitting on my grandma’s antique couch. It always gives me that old familiar feelling.
7. My cat loves to use my couch as a scratching post. She’s always feline it.
8. When my kids jump on the couch, I tell them to stop cushioning around.
9. Sitting on my lumpy couch is like going over speed bumps. It’s a real bumpy ride.
10. I decided to ditch my old ragged couch and buy a nice new leather sectional. It was about couch time.
11. My big plush microfiber couch really ties the whole room together. It brings great decorum.
12. I spilled grape juice on my white couch. Now I’m worried about the wrath of my wife. There will be he couch to pay.
Couch One-Liners
13. This couch is so uncomfortable, it feels like I’m sitting on a bag of rocks.
14. My couch is so old, it belongs in a museum next to dinosaur bones.
15. This scratchy burlap couch is about as comfortable as wearing a potato sack.
16. Sitting on my grandma’s plastic-covered couch is like sliding around on a giant slip n’ slide.
17. Don’t sit there! That’s where my dog likes to lounge when he has fleas.
18. Fair warning—the recliner function on this couch is broken, so don’t pull the lever unless you want a lap full of springs.
19. I found this couch on the curb next to a pile of trash bags. Can you believe someone just threw it out?
20. Watch out for that loose spring—it’ll stab you right in the butt if you sit on it wrong.
21. Sorry, you’ll have to come back later. My couch is currently hosting a family of raccoons.
22. This couch used to be white before the kids and the dog got to it—now it looks like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Best Couch Jokes
23. I was relaxing on my couch when I got a call from my friend. He said, “What are you up to?” I said, “Just chilling on my couch.” He said, “Sounds sofa so good.”
24. My wife walked into the living room and saw our new white couch covered in greasy handprints. She asked who sat on it while eating pizza. I said, “It wasn’t me! I swear it was the couch potato.”
25. I was sitting on my couch watching TV when my wife came storming over. She yelled, “Have you just been sitting here this whole time? Get up and do something productive!” So I got up and sat on the other end of the couch.
26. I recently got a new couch. My dog seems to really love it. He spends all day happily rolling around on it, rubbing his back into the cushions. Then he looks at me with pleading eyes, begging me to take him for a walk so he can come back and roll around on the couch some more.
27. My wife just bought these lovely white decorative pillows for our living room couch. I asked her what they’re for. She said, “They’re just for looks.” So last night I slept on them because they seemed too nice to actually use.
28. I was browsing in a furniture store recently when I spotted a man yelling at one of the couches. He kept saying, “Why won’t you go down to seventy-five bucks already!? Come on, be reasonable!” I don’t think he quite understood how bargaining works.
29. My wife demanded I get off the couch and do something active with my day. I’m pretty sure vigorously searching the couch cushions for lost change doesn’t count as active in her book though.
30. I broke our couch accidentally while doing yoga. My wife asked me, “How do you even break a couch doing yoga?” I said, “I don’t know, I guess I just pushed my downward dog too far.”
31. I came home and saw my wife had put googly eyes on all the couch cushions. When I asked why, she shrugged and said, “I wanted someone to keep me company while you were gone.” Now I feel bad every time I sit down.
32. I was taking a nap on our couch the other day. My wife suddenly yelled, “Look out, there’s a huge bug right next to you!” I freaked out and leapt up only to smack my face straight into the ceiling fan. There was no bug.
33. We recently got new neighbors who always sit out on their porch. The other day I carried our couch out onto the lawn and sat on it, just to assert my dominance as the local crazy couch guy.
34. My wife is obsessed with keeping our white couch looking brand new. I accidentally spilled spaghetti sauce on one of the cushions last night. She still hasn’t noticed though, so I’ve been strategically repositioning throw pillows every time she walks in.
35. We have an L-shaped couch but my husband insists on sitting right next to me every time no matter where I sit. He’s like an overly affectionate cat who needs to be touching me at all times. I think it’s time for separate couches.
36. Recently our couch started wobbling whenever anyone sat on it so I tried to fix it. My wife walked in to find me folding up stacks of post-it notes and shoving them under the couch legs. She should be grateful I’m so handy.
37. My couch has been making strange gurgling noises lately whenever I sit on it. I think I finally found the TV remote I lost 3 months ago lodged deep into its inner mechanisms. We may need to operate.
38. I sat on a piece of chocolate that melted into our new white couch. My wife is still hunting for the brown stain so I’ve strategically placed throw pillows all over, determined to protect the chocolate’s location at all costs.
39. We were snuggling on the couch watching a movie when my husband whispered seductively in my ear, “Wanna take this to the bedroom?” I said, “But we’ll miss the ending, let’s just stay here.” Now he makes me rewatch movies before getting frisky.
40. I came home exhausted and face-planted directly into the couch cushions, only to get a mouthful of crumbs. Turns out my wife had eaten crackers there earlier and failed to properly vacuum. Now I know how the vacuum feels.
41. I was taking a peaceful nap on our couch yesterday when suddenly two little hands grabbed my nose. My 4-year-old shouted “Got your nose!” then ran away giggling. Jokes on her though, she only got a pair of my old man ear hairs.
42. We recently rearranged our living room and I keep walking face first into our newly positioned couch. My wife suggested I should start yelling “PIVOT” every time I enter to avoid collision. I think she just wants me to reenact Friends.
43. Our new couch is extremely modern with sharp angles everywhere. Just last night my wife whacked her knee and said, “Curse you evil couch!” Then we had a very somber discussion weighing style against safety.
44. I came downstairs yesterday and caught my son using a tape measure on our couch. When I asked what he was doing he said, “Just checking if this couch is bouncy enough for optimum jumping potential.” That’s my boy!
45. Our new couch apparently has “self-healing” fabric that miraculously fixes scratches. So I decided to test it by subtly dragging a fork across a cushion. Five minutes later my wife came at me with a butcher knife.
46. I swear our couch is haunted. The other night I woke up to use the bathroom and thought I saw it floating several inches off the floor. Then I remembered the roller skate I left under one of its legs earlier. Mystery solved.
47. We recently reupholstered our living room couch in a nice floral pattern. I didn’t notice until later that day when my friend came over and said, “Wow Scott, I never knew you were into granny chic decor.”
48. I walked in on my wife yelling into the couch cushions the other day. When I asked what she was doing, she looked up embarrassed and said, “I read this is good stress relief.” Now we both come home and scream into the void of pillows.
49. Our new couch apparently has “smart cushions” designed to adapt to each person’s unique contour. I’m pretty sure that’s just a fancy way of saying I flattened this thing into my butt groove within the first week.
50. I came home exhausted after a long day and absentmindedly flopped onto my bed, shoes and all. My wife started lecturing, “Shoes do NOT belong on the furniture!” Then she saw I was in the wrong room and just said, “Eh close enough, you tried.”