Coffee Puns
1. I like my coffee how I like my mornings: strong, bitter and resentful towards having to be awake.
2. Baristas spell my name wrong on purpose because I always order the most complicated drink on the menu.
3. My coffee order is longer than my resume.
4. Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee. Or afternoon cup. Or evening cup.
5. Coffee and I have a very intim-brew relationship.
6. Coffee is brew-tiful thing.
7. Coffee helps me pour over my problems.
8. Coffee grounds me.
9. Don’t coffee shame me for needing multiple cups a day.
10. I run on caffeine, chaos and cuss words.
11. Coffee is the best bean juice.
12. Coffee keeps me alert, but chocolate keeps me alive.
13. Coffee: my cup runneth over.
14. Coffee is the most important meal of the day.
15. Coffee – the adult version of hot chocolate.
16. Coffee. It does a brewty.
17. Coffee is sweat justice.
18. Coffee. Because weekends start on Thursday.
19. Coffee makes me mocha better person.
20. Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my cup of coffee. Seriously, I will cut you.
Coffee One-Liners
21. I like my coffee how I like my days: dark, endless and impossible to deal with.
22. Coffee keeps me awake long enough to have unrealistic expectations for my day.
23. I don’t have a coffee problem until I’m shaking so bad I can’t get the coffee into my mouth.
24. I drink coffee for your protection.
25. Coffee and naps should come with snooze buttons.
26. Coffee: helping adults feel like functional human beings since 800 A.D.
27. Coffee is the most important meal of the day.
28. Sure, I have a coffee problem: being out of coffee.
29. I only drink coffee at two times a day: when I’m awake.
30. Coffee: my cup runneth over.
31. Coffee keeps me alert, but chocolate keeps me alive.
32. Coffee and I have a very intim-brew relationship.
33. Coffee helps me pour over my problems.
34. Coffee grounds me.
35. Coffee is brew-tiful thing.
36. Coffee is the best bean juice.
37. Coffee does a brewty.
38. Coffee is sweat justice.
39. Coffee makes me mocha better person.
40. Don’t coffee shame me for needing multiple cups a day.
Best Coffee Jokes
41. I was feeling down, so I talked to my barista. They said I should try the new expresso depresso.
42. I told my barista I was stressed about work. They suggested I try de-caffienating. I said “Thanks, I’ll try de-caffeinating my boss.”
43. I asked the barista what beans they used for the house coffee. They said “Starbeans.” I said “Well I’m certainly feeling more energized already.”</ >
44. I went into a coffee shop and asked for a dark roast. The barista said “Sorry, we’re out of dark roast but we have Light Roast Delight, Blonde Roast Surprise, Medium Roast Medley…” I interrupted and said “Wow, you have a lot of roast names just for standard coffee.” The barista replied “What can I say, it helps perk things up around here.”
45. I was ordering a macchiato at the coffee shop when someone yelled out “Make mine a double!” I turned around but didn’t see anyone. Then I realized it was just the espresso talking.
46. I told the barista I wanted something with sugar but without cream. They said “Here’s an americano with two sugars.” I said “Oh sorry, I meant without dairy cream.” The barista said “My mistake sir, here’s your sugarino.”
47. I asked the barista if the muffins were made in-house. They said “No, they were made in the bakery down the street.” I said “Oh, so you out-sourced them?”
48. At the coffee shop, I asked for a triple shot of espresso in a to-go cup. The barista said “Are you sure? That’s a lot of caffeine.” I said “Don’t worry, I have a high tolerance.” But as soon as I took a sip, I started bouncing off the walls. The barista shook their head and said “I tried to warn you about the triple shot espresso but you didn’t listen. I guess I’ll have to drink it myself now.” And they poured it into their own cup and walked away unfazed.
49. I went into a hipster coffee shop and tried to order a basic cup of coffee. The barista gave me a judgemental look and said “We don’t serve *regular* coffee here, we only use fair trade soy organic inverted pour over cold brew from locally roasted beans harvested by monks in the Himalayas.” I said “Oh, my bad. I’ll just take a small …what you said.”
50. I asked the new barista for a regular coffee with cream and sugar. They made it and handed it to me. I took a sip and said “Wow, this is perfect, great job!” The barista smiled proudly and said “Really? It’s my first day on the job.” I said “I can tell – nobody who’s worked here longer than a day would have been able to make a coffee this normal.”
51. Why was the coffee file so upset? Because someone kept roasting it!
52. My friend thinks she’s so sophisticated because she drinks dark roast coffee. I told her, don’t get so Cafe Au Lait about it.
53. Did you hear about the coffee from Jamaica who couldn’t pay his gambling debt? He got roasted by a loan bean shark.
54. My friend got tired of me making constant coffee puns. But I can’t espresso myself any other way.
55. I entered a best barista competition but kept getting foamed. I guess making coffee is latte harder than it looks.
56. I went to get my morning coffee but the cafe was all out. It was truly a depresso day.
57. I caught two baristas arguing about who brewed the best tasting coffee. I told them to just take it espresso and move on.
58. Did you hear about the coffee company who hired a social media influencer? They ended up getting roasted online.
59. Why do espresso makers make such great therapists? Because they really know how to express your feelings.
60. What do you call sad coffee on vacation? Mopey Joe.
61. Why do coffee beans make bad accountants? Because they always lose count when you grind them.
62. How does a coffee pot get to work every day? It commutes.
63. Why was the espresso maker forced to retire early? It was getting tired of the daily grind.
64. Why are Italian coffee makers never nervous? Because they practice daily mindfulness while pulling espresso shots.
65. Why do coffee makers make bad gamblers? Because they always bet on the drip.
66. Did you hear about the coffee bean who worked as a farmhand? He was out standing in his field.
67. What do you call a coffee shop without wifi? Pointless.
68. Why do baristas make great detectives? They know how to crack a cold brew.
69. Why shouldn’t you buy coffee from a kleptomaniac? They always take things literally.
70. Why are coffee shops so energetic? Because they have a lot of buzz.
71. How does a baby coffee table learn to walk? With a little coastering.
72. What’s a coffee addict’s favorite type of rain? A coffee drizzle!
73. Why do coffee beans have trouble keeping secrets? Because they’re always roasting each other!
