Bed Puns
1. I tried to make my bed this morning but it kept fighting me. You could say it was uncooperative.
2. My friend was bragging about his new Sleep Number bed, but I wasn’t impressed. It sounded like a bunch of mattress propaganda to me.
3. I spilled coffee on my bed sheets this morning. Talk about a caffeinated sleeping environment.
4. My cat loves to sleep in my bed. I guess you could say she’s feline fine under the covers.
5. I was thinking of redecorating my bedroom with a racing car theme. I decided to sleep on it first before making any bed decisions.
6. I tried to sneak into bed without waking my wife last night. Unfortunately, I tripped and fell which led to some unplanned bedlam.
7. My friend bought one of those Craftmatic adjustable beds that lets you set customized sleeping positions. He said it was the best purchase he ever made, but to me it just seemed like a lot of bed hype.
8. I just got an adjustable bed frame that lets me choose between zero gravity and anti-snore positions. My sleep has reached new bedtitudes!
9. Did you hear about the insomniac whose mattress caught on fire? It was an unfortunate case of bed combustion.
10. I tried to take a mid-day nap but my kids’ loud play prevented me from getting to bedEasy.
11. I stubbed my toe on the bed frame last night. There was a noticeable lack of bedside manner.
12. I decided to install a chandelier above my bed. Let’s just say things are looking uplighting.
Bed One-Liners
13. I guess you could say I’m in bed with the mafia… my cat is named Mafia and she sleeps on my pillow.
14. Just found out the hard way that eating spicy wings in bed wasn’t my brightest idea.
15. Always awkward when you accidentally call your Uber driver to pick you up from “home” but you’re at a hotel.
16. Woke up with my sheets wrapped so tight around me I felt like a taquito.
17. Nothing like waking up refreshed after sleeping like a log all night.
18. My Fitbit thought I was doing strenuous activity last night, but nope – just tossing and turning as usual.
19. Had a dream my mattress was filled with jelly beans last night. Woke up starving!
20. Meeting people in hostel rooms is cool until you have to pretend to go to sleep at 8pm because you’re tired.
21. Just got woken up at 3am by my cat attacking my toes under the blanket. He’s lucky he’s cute.
22. Waking up on a weekend refreshed and ready to sleep in? False alarm – it’s Monday.
Best Bed Jokes
23. I was feeling restless last night so I changed my bedtime routine. I counted sheep, drank warm milk, did breathing exercises – nothing worked. Finally I just sheepishly admitted defeat and got up to watch TV.
24. My wife and I purchased a memory foam mattress a few weeks ago. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. It feels like sleeping on a giant hug, which would be nice if it didn’t make me miss actually being hugged.
25. I’ve been having recurring nightmares about being trapped in a mattress store lately. The good news is I can sleep easy knowing they’re just dreams and I’ll wake up soon. The TempurPedic pressure will eventually lift.
26. Doctor: “How’s your sleep been lately?” Patient: “Terrible. I keep having dreams where I’m falling into a pit of pillows.” Doctor: “Hmm, sounds like you’re suffering from lack of plummet-tude.”
27. My wife and I recently stayed at a hotel that claimed to have “luxury bedding”. But in the middle of the night, the mattress collapsed right down the center, which was really uncomfortable. I complained about the dip to the manager and he apologized. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.
28. I just got back from a weekend away and my cat is angrily ignoring me. I tried explaining that the hotel mattress wasn’t as comfy as her fur, but she’s not having any of my meowtress excuses.
29. I’m thinking of taking up competitive mattress trampolining as a hobby. It’s an up and coming sport with lots of bounce potential. My friend keeps telling me it’ll never take off, but I think he’s just resistant to change. You’ve gotta be open to new bedgins.
30. Why did the mattress store keep failing fire safety inspections? It had improper flame retardance.
31. Did you hear about the ghost who refused to get out of bed one morning? He said he was feeling a little translucent that day.
32. I woke up groggy after an all-nighter and made myself a cup of coffee. To my surprise, instead of drinking it I ended up just dumping it straight onto my bed. I guess my brain was still asleep, even if my body wasn’t.
33. I bumped into my friend Gary yesterday and noticed he had dark circles under his eyes. When I asked if he was getting enough sleep he said, “Not really, my mattress is lumpy and uncomfortable. To be honest, it’s a nightmare.” Poor Gary is clearly going through a rough patch right now. Hopefully he can get his restless nights sorted soon!
34. Doctor: “How’s your insomnia going?”
Patient: “Bad. I tried counting sheep last night and only got up to two.”
Doctor: “Only two??”
Patient: “Yeah, they jumped over the bed and ran away as soon as I started counting.”
35. Why was the mattress so cheap? It was on sale!
36. I had a dream last night that I was floating on a mattress down a river. When I woke up I was annoyed to realize it was just a matter of time before bed went downstream.
37. Did you hear about the psychic who can predict your dreams? She’s a real mind bedder!
38. I’m so exhausted. I tried to take a nap but my bed was shaking too much to sleep. Turns out one of the legs had fallen off and the whole thing became unhinged. Really rattled me to the core!
39. I’ll never forget the look on my wife’s face when she caught me cheating on her with another woman in our bed. To be fair, that large pizza deserved my undivided attention.
40. Why was the little ghost so sad? He kept having nightmares on his bed sheet!
41. My wife threatened to leave me unless I stopped acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
42. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name!
43. I entered my schnauzer in a cuteness competition but sadly she didn’t win. She was robbed I tell you, robbed!
44. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!
45. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
46. My horse’s name is Mayo. Mayo Neighs.
47. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
48. Parallel lines have so much in common but it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
49. If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe!
50. Becoming a vegetarian is one big missed steak.
51. Be kind to your dentist. They have fillings too.
52. What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
53. I’m reading a great book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
54. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
55. A termite walks into a bar and asks if the bar has any wood. The barman says “Nope, we don’t cater to termites here.” The termite replies “Oh okay, that’s understandable. No hard feelings!” and walks out.
56. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
57. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!
58. Why should you never trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
59. What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
60. England doesn’t have a kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool.
61. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
62. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!