Raccoon Puns
1. What do you call a raccoon who always follows the rules? A stickler for raccinettequette.
2. Why don’t raccoons ever win at hide and seek? They’re terrible at playing raccoon and seek.
3. What did the mama raccoon say when her kids wouldn’t calm down? “Settle down you little rascal-coons!”
4. Why shouldn’t you try to race a raccoon? You’ll never be able to outrun a raccelerate.
5. What do you call a raccoon who does karate? A black-belt raccoon-teur.
6. Why don’t raccoons ever pay their taxes on time? They always try to raccoon-vince the IRS for an extension.
7. What do you call a raccoon who loves watching cartoons? An animaniac-coon.
8. Why was the raccoon fired from being a barber? He kept giving every customer a raccoon-tail haircut.
9. What’s a raccoon’s favorite sport? Racquet-ball.
10. How do raccoons keep their fur looking so good? They use raccoon-ditioner.
Raccoon One-Liners
11. I asked my friend how his pet raccoon was doing, he said “Oh, he’s fine, just being his usual rascal self.”
12. My raccoon got into the pantry and made a huge mess, guess he wanted to live up to his reputation as a little bandit.
13. I saw a raccoon trying to wash his food in the creek yesterday, I guess that’s why they’re called “wash bears.”
14. My friend called raccoons “trash pandas” as a joke once, but I think it’s actually a pretty accurate nickname.
15. Raccoons may be cute, but don’t be fooled – they can be vicious little furballs when they want to be.
16. I spotted a raccoon raiding my neighbor’s bird feeder again last night, those furry little thieves just don’t quit!
17. Tried to chase a raccoon out of my yard, but he just glared at me like “make me leave, I dare you.”
18. If raccoons were in charge, the economy would be based on trading shiny objects and leftovers.
19. Raccoons really do wash their food before eating it – I guess hygiene is impawtent to them.
20. Saw a raccoon trying to open a dumpster with his little hands – after a few tries he finally managed to get in.
Best Raccoon Jokes
21. A man was having issues with a family of raccoons that kept breaking into his attic. He called an exterminator, who assured him that he would capture the raccoons humanely. The exterminator came and set up some traps in the attic. That night, the homeowner heard lots of loud banging and scratching noises coming from the attic. Concerned the raccoons were hurt, he went to go check on them. When he climbed up to the attic, he was shocked to find the exterminator dancing around with the raccoons! The homeowner yelled “What are you doing? You were supposed to capture them!” The exterminator replied “I did capture them…I’m just following the next step of releasing them back into the wild!”
22. A raccoon walked into a bar and said to the bartender “I’ll have a beer.” The bartender shrugged, poured the raccoon a beer, and watched bemusedly as he sipped at it. After the raccoon finished his drink, he asked where the restroom was. The bartender pointed to a door in the back. A few minutes later, the raccoon came running out screaming. The bartender asked “What’s wrong?” The raccoon shouted “There’s a bobcat in the bathroom and he tried to eat me!” The bartender laughed and said “Don’t you know the difference between a bobcat and a lynx?”
23. A family returned home from vacation to find that raccoons had gotten into their house while they were gone. The pesky critters had left a huge mess – overturned trash cans, crumbs and dirty paw prints everywhere, even a few unpleasant surprises. As the family surveyed the damage, their toddler said “Aw, the cute raccoons just wanted to have a party!” The mom replied sarcastically, “Yes, a raccoon party does explain the ceiling-high trash piles and raided refrigerator.” The dad added, “At least they were kind enough to redecorate our walls with abstract paw print art!” Even though the mess was awful, the family couldn’t help laughing about the sneaky raccoons and their idea of fun.
24. Brad was excited to go camping in the woods behind his house. On the first night, he was getting ready for bed when he heard noises outside his tent. He nervously peeked out and saw a group of raccoons gathered nearby. Brad shouted “Shoo! Go away!” but the raccoons just stared at him blankly. He crawled back into his sleeping bag, only to feel something brush against his leg. He looked down to see a raccoon nosing around in his tent! Brad leapt up yelling and scared the critter away. But each time Brad started to fall asleep, the raccoons would sneak up and scratch at his tent. By dawn, a very tired Brad packed up camp – he had learned his lesson about camping too close to the raccoon zone!
25. Martha was driving home late one night when a raccoon darted across the road. She slammed on the brakes but was too late – she hit the poor raccoon. Martha got out to check on the animal, but it was clearly dead. She felt awful. Not wanting to just leave the raccoon in the street, Martha went to move its body to the side of the road. As she reached down, the “dead” raccoon suddenly jumped up, hissed at her, and scampered away into the darkness. Martha shrieked in surprise! She had been tricked by a clever raccoon playing possum. From then on, Martha drove extra carefully at night to avoid any more theatrical raccoons.
26. Gary was taking his young niece and nephew for a nature walk in the park. Along the trail, they heard rustling in the bushes. Suddenly, a raccoon poked its little head out! The kids were thrilled to see the adorable critter up close. Gary suggested they toss it some of their trail mix to make friends. As soon as the raccoon saw the food, he scurried right over to them and started grabbing handfuls of nuts and granola. Though cute, the hungry raccoon was a little too comfortable with them. It kept following the group along the trail begging for more snacks. No matter how many times Gary tried to shoo it away, the raccoon persisted. After it tried to crawl into his nephew’s backpack searching for food, Gary had to pick up the kids and make a run for it to escape the food-crazed raccoon!
27. Maggie woke up in the middle of the night to strange noises coming from her kitchen. She tiptoed downstairs only to find a raccoon raiding her pantry! As Maggie watched in shock, the brazen critter opened a box of crackers with its little hands and started munching away. Maggie turned on the light and yelled “Get out!” The raccoon just glared at her and kept eating. Next she tried waving her arms and stomping her feet to scare it, but the raccoon was unbothered. It leisurely finished the crackers, then washed its face like it was in no hurry. Finally Maggie grabbed a broom to chase the lazy bandit outside where it belonged. She made a mental note to start locking her windows before going to bed from now on!
28. Jenny decided to repurpose an old wood shed in her backyard into a cozy hangout spot. She fixed it up beautifully with comfy cushions, twinkly lights, and shelves for books. She was so proud of her DIY project and invited a few friends over to see it. But as soon as Jenny opened the shed door – out scurried a family of raccoons! They had already moved into her new hangout and made themselves at home, evidenced by the torn cushions, half-eaten snacks, and raccoon mom giving her babies baths in Jenny’s decorative birdbath. Jenny realized her cute new raccoon-infested hangout spot would need some major cleaning before it was fit for human habitation again!
29. Paul had read that raccoons are quite intelligent, so he decided to see if he could train the one in his backyard. Paul spent weeks coaxing the raccoon with treats, trying to teach it simple commands. After many failed attempts, the raccoon finally started responding when Paul said “shake.” He was thrilled and wanted to show off the raccoon’s new trick to his wife. But when Paul’s wife came outside, the raccoon suddenly jumped on her head and latched onto her hair! Turns out the raccoon didn’t appreciate being disturbed from its daily routine. Next time Paul had an idea about wildlife training, he decided he’d better think twice before annoying the raccoons.
30. Sami was out trick-or-treating by herself on Halloween night. As she walked down a dimly lit street, she heard leaves rustle behind the bushes next to her. Then suddenly, a dark figure leapt out! Sami screamed and fell backwards, dropping all her candy. As she looked up, she realized it wasn’t a monster but just a little raccoon. It stared at her curiously then waddled over to snatch up the candy she had dropped. Sami started laughing, more from relief than anything else. She told the raccoon “You really got me!” The sly raccoon grabbed the last candy bar and scampered away into the night. Even though her prankster friend made off with half her haul, Sami had to admit the raccoon gave her the best scare of the night.